I want to leave my husband but im worried its the wrong decision.

[5toocoolforschool]

I have been with my husband for about 7 years,married for about 3 and a half.We have 5 children,our oldest is 6 so we had not been together ong when i fell pregnant with him and they just kept coming after that!

Before anyone says,our problems are not to do with the kids,they are fine,they get on well and i enjoy looking after them and they are good sleepers and laid back,so its not the chaos everyone imagines it to be.(my house is messy though!)

Me and dh have always had a strange relationship.He is very anti social,has quite a cutting sense of humour,and is quite self contained.Sometimes i feel like if i didnt speak to him he would never say anything to me,if that makes sense?I am quite bubbly and i like to talk a lot.In the beginning i found his ways quite funny but after a couple of years it started to annoy me.Now i find it unbearable.

He is the least thoughtful person i have ever known.Not once has he ever arranged for us to go anywhere on our own,the few times we have its been me thats arranged a babysitter and decided when and where we will go.He manages to go out to watch football or play snooker with his friends a couple of times a week though.

We dont do anything as a family at weekends,because he says its too stressful taking them all out,even though i manage fine taking them all out on my own every other day of the week.So we end up doing nothing,because he is tired from work.

I know none of this sounds that awful but im tired of living with someone who doesnt seem to care about me.I feel like im invisible.Ive said this to him,ive said i want to split up,not once has he said he doesnt want to because he loves me,but he has said we are not splitting up because of the kids.I have a feeling he just wants me around to bring up the kis,do all his washing and cooking,then once they are old enough he will just split up with me then.

I told him this morning i am going to CAB to get advice on how to move,because he wont talk to me about it.He just looked sad and kissed all kids and went to work.

Part of me knows im doing the right thing,the other part feels really sad,for the kids,and because despite everything he is all i have,i dont have any family really,i only recently got in touch with my dad after not seeing him since i was 5 and my mum....is quite toxic,so i dont see her much.

Rather than going to CAB, maybe both of you need to go to relate?
It doesn't sound like he is good at communicating, and maybe has an old fashioned idea as to what the role of the father in a relationship is (disciplinarian, bread winner).
If that doesn't work, then you've done all you can.

It is always hard to make the break but I think you know in your head that this situation is causing you to be unhappy.

It sounds like he is putting zero effort into the relationship and that just isn't fair or right.

Make sure if he goes. He has regular contact with the children so you get me time.

By you taking these steps he might wise up and make some sort of effort to keep the relationship going.

5 children must be stressful and hard on a relationship so that is probably a factor.

He can find time to pursue his own interests but can't be arsed to spend quality time with his own wife and kids?

He's either got some form of mental impairment or he's a totally selfish arse. You choose.

You simply cannot live with someone like this; its intolerable for you and also teaches the children poor lessons on relationships.

Go to the CAB and use that a start to plan your new life without this man in it. It seems that he sees you as nothing more than a domestic appliance and housekeeper combined. He may even decide to step up and do more once you are fully parted but if he does not choose to then that is his decision ultimately.

He is not all you have, you have five children to consider and their future happiness and welfare certainly trumps any needs he has (which is basically for you to look after him).

Yes relate might be a good idea.Im not sure he would agree to it but at least i would know i tried.

I would makesure he has lots of contact with the kids,i am not form round here but i would stay local so they can still see him lots.

Bitter-i tihnk its the second one but the first one wouldnt surprise me!

You don't need to sacrifice your happinness for your children to this extent. And they sure as hell aren't going to benefit from growing up in an environment where their parents have no love for each other.

Your children will be fine. His only reason for not splitting up is for the children? That's not a marriage, that's a farce.

It sounds like you are two personalities that are polar opposite, and not in a way that can work. It really does sound like you've been able to bumble through and distract yourselves with the children, but you both know deep down that there is no relationship between you two.

I'm sorry but I think you are doing the right thing.

I had a look on the Relate website and spoke to someone on the live chat.It was really helpful.I am going to talk to him about it tonight,if he wont,or if we go and nothing changes then at least i know i gave it my best shot.

Well he doesnt want to try it.

Had another arguement.He is such a prick.I cant live like this anymore.He wont leave.What can i do?I dont have family near.There are too many of us to stay at my friends house.We need to move out (i couldnt afford this place n my own)but how?

Not a massive surprise that he doesn't want to try Relate. At least now you know you offered it.

Also not a massive surprise he won't move out. From his perspective, why would he?

You need to see a solicitor and talk about options to move him out of the house. Once the school year has finished, could you decamp to family for a few weeks?

The kids don't go to school,they are home educated.Family is a bit of a no no,i dont get on with my mum pkus she lives in a tiny house,and i dont feel like i know my dad well enough to impose on him.

Do i really need to see a solicitor?We dont own this house,we just rent it.I am sahm but we have a joint account so i have access to everything.

Do i need to go on benefits?

You need to know what your legal options are for removing your husband from the house. And what the likely financial settlement is going to be.

I think it's very likely you will need to go on benefits once you financially separate. He will be taking a fair chunk of the income with him.

I was just about to ask if you do HEd. You do. As a SAHP with no independent income you will need to claim benefits. Things are changing, you used to claim housing benefit and income support plus you would continue to get tax credits. Now I'm not certain. Also you need to be aware that once your youngest child is of school age you will be required to look for work. HEd can no longer be used as an excuse not to seek work. So you may have to decide whether home education is worth the sacrifice of living a miserable life with your DH.

I dont really want him to leave the house though,if we are not together then i couldnt afford this place on my own,its 1400 a month rent!

Are there landlords that accept dss?how do you find them?

Sorry so many questions x

Yes i heard about that a couple of years ago.I will find a way to work round that,my youngest is only 6 months so a few years away from that yet.

There are LL that accept DSS but I think they are few and far between. Private rentals do not give you much security either, not good with 5 children.

I would be inclined to see if you can persuade him to move out, then approach LL and say will he accept DSS, hopefully he will say no, then its a visit to council, see GP and or HV and start the ball rolling with an application for social housing. If your LL gives you notice, and you have no deposit for private rental, you are likely to priority for housing with 5 children under 7.