Really struggling with what to do

[yoyo27]

I know that I want to end my relationship, but I am struggling so much with whether it's right or not. We have two very young children together, and the idea of not being with them all the time and having shared custody, well it kills me. Plus the idea of basically sending their daddy away. And sending my other children's step dad away, and splitting up our family. Is it completely selfish of me to even consider it?

But we argue quite a lot (every 5-6 weeks) and they're huge rows. And in front of the kids. I don't want them growing up thinking this is normal. I don't want them growing up thinking you have to put up with stuff in life.

I feel my DP and I want such different things out of life and if I don't end it he will drag me down.

Ultimately I just want me and my children.

Is it just the arguments every 5-6 weeks or is there more? How young are your very young children? It's a difficult time and I think a lot of couples argue more with the lack of sleep etc.

If it is maybe you could get couples counselling to work through your differences.

If you do know for sure that you want to split up then you need to get talking because you will still both be parents to your children and need to co-parent as well as you can for their sake.

You can't have 'just you and your children'. Your children have fathers too and a right to a relationship with them.

I don't mean they wouldn't see their father (though my older children don't see theirs, his choice). I mean day to day.

The rows are terrible, and very aggressive. I have suggested counselling and he refuses.

I feel we want different things in life too. Nothing changes

I'm sorry yoyo but it really does sound like you already have your answer.

Yes, it will be difficult for the children at first, but they will adjust. And temporary confusion is going to be much, much healthier than growing up in an environment like that.

I find it funny sometimes how women always worry so much about "splitting up the family" if they leave their partner, whilst men have no problem with it. They seem to be able to separate "my relationship with my children" to "my relationship with this person". Of course this is a generalisation, and I'm not trying to make fun of you in any way.

You cannot sacrifice your life in a blind attempt to keep a family together, when the family isn't working, and the children know it. If they don't know it yet (and they probably do since you argue in front of them), they will know soon enough. Kids aren't stupid.

I think you need to leave - it really sounds like this worry about breaking up the family is the last thread keeping you there, and that's not healthy.

Are the rows about the same thing?

If there are issues that you can't resolve and he has refused therapy. There isn't much you can do. A trial separation might be a good idea to see how yous both feel when apart. A row every 6 weeks isn't too bad (don't shoot me) but I think it depends what the row is about iyswim.

Yes the children will be affected, in the sense that this is their template for setting their own arguments in future relationships, it all goes in. I know I'm generalising here but it is our parents and our upbringing that provide us with these tools for later life. So be careful about what goes on in front of them.

Joint counselling is never ever recommended where there is abuse of any sort within a relationship and no decent counsellor would ever put the two of you in a room together anyway. If counselling is to be at all considered you need to go on your own.

He is and has broken up the family by his actions and you are already aware that all this going on in front of them is not good for them to see either. You cannot allow this man to drag you and by turn your children down with him.

You're right, I DO know the answer. But taking the action is difficult.

It is my house (not his) so he will be the one to leave. Without money to do this it will take a while. He has no friends or family to turn to.

It also doesn't help that when we've argued before and I've asked him to leave he has said "fine but I am taking (our daughter) with me". He doesn't feel they would have two homes. He feels kids live with one parent and visit the other. I don't agree. But I don't want our girls screwed up by this thinking x

And I don't even know if counselling could help anyway.

Our rows repeat the same pattern every single time. They're usually about the kids/because of him getting cross with them/his kids

It's all I can think about. It doesn't help that I had (what I thought, turns out it certainly wasn't) the perfect marriage before. My ex husband was my be all and end all until the children came along, and then it was all of them and him. Whereas with my DP it is very much him and me.....rarely us.

Still got everything going round and round in my head constantly.

I know I don't want to continue like this. I resent the weekends when his children are here. They're nice enough kids, but they do upset the apple cart with the way they are and act.

I am too young (36) to be unhappy. I feel like my life is in limbo at the moment. The years are speedy by and before I know it I will have teenagers.

I want my house back. I want it to be just me and the kids. I know this has to end. I don't think anyone will be happy otherwise.

BUT..... I don't want to split the family up. Have shared access. Have my other children not see their sisters every day. This doesn't just affect me.... But everyone

You can't get shot of this man and not split the family up in some way. It's as simple as that. So you have to decide which is more important. All I'd say to you is that DCs suffer more when held hostage in an unhappy family than they do cared for by two loving (and happy) parents under separate roofs. It is not 'selfish' to want a peaceful home where there are no arguments. It is the best for all concerned.

Think about the damage the arguing is causing your children. They will be finding this terribly frightening, and with aggression, a thousandfold. Not having their father in the house 24/7 will be a relief to them, not a cause of unhappiness. You have a responsibility to protect them from harm both physical and emotional. They can still have a relationship with him, maybe a better one if you end this misery.

"Breaking up the family" would be an act of kindness not cruelty for them.

Who cares if he's got no friends or family? That's his situation and not yours to fix or resolve for him. There could be a very good reason why he appears to be alone in this world, and if it's not of your making then it's not your problem. That really isn't a good enough reason not to end this relationship when your children's emotional well-being is at stake.

Thank you thank you thank you. I needed to hear that. So difficult to see clearly when you're in it.

He has just left to take his other two children back to their mum and the relief I feel is huge.

If you want to leave and you're going to leave, that's it, isn't it? But since you've asked:

Yes, if you can't resolve huge rows then you have a problem. That could perhaps have been worked through. Except you neither of you wish to do that. Fine. There are other things you could try before splitting if your children's happiness is paramount. Giving your DP an ultimatum about couple's therapy. Make time when it's just the two of you, regularly, and talk about it then. Start arguing away from the children.

When there are children involved, I don't think we have an automatic right to pursue our own happiness. Not saying you should be miserable but there's definitely a grey area between self-care and selfishness. No situation will make everyone 'happy'; there are compromises. I'm 34 and probably not living my ideal life - but it's not the same thing as being unhappy. Perhaps it could be, if I chose to think in those terms, but that's true at times for everyone I know. Life's hard. However, thinking about taking my DD's daddy out of her life on a daily basis - well, that would properly be unhappiness. For her. I don't think it's a foregone conclusion that she would be happier just because I might be (not saying I would). This reason for leaving is separate to the first reason. It's about your personal preference rather than what's necessarily optimal for your children. Likewise, not enjoying your step-children is also about you having life the way you would like it. I can't help feeling that they didn't spring out of nowhere.

You're clear that you want it to be just you and the kids. Of course you're completely at liberty to make that decision, but I think you should make it all on your own. IMO it may not be the best or only thing to do for everyone involved and at the end of the day, your children are also too young to be unhappy, whatever that looks like. Not what you'll want to hear, but an honest answer.

"He has just left to take his other two children back to their mum and the relief I feel is huge."

I think this says it all. When you're heaving a sigh of relief because he's out of the house, then it's probably over. I didn't like his threats to take your DD either.... nasty, unreasonable thing to say and no point going for couples counselling with someone like that. Realise you're still facing a big dilemma but would strongly recommend that you have a word with a solicitor specialising in Family Law (some offer a free initial consultation) and start to understand the legal ramifications of things like access and finances. Whatever happens next, you will always benefit from having sound information to base your decision upon.

The sigh of relief was because things have been quite tense over the weekend. Nothing has happened, I just don't feel comfortable with them here.

He hit the nail on the head earlier..... Aside from all the other stuff "we've just had enough of each other".....and it's true. Our relationship has run it's course, no matter how short that has been

If you've just had enough of each other, you could potentially sit down together and work out the details of a good split... fair, amicable and keeping the DCs foremost in any planning. But you say he's aggressive, threatening to take children away and so forth. That suggests you're going to need back-up both professional and emotional.

I think that it should be okay, though I am not naive enough to think it will be smooth sailing. So will seek advice, like you suggest.

Good thing is it's my house , we don't have joint finances, or much joint stuff