Is this a bit selfish and controlling? Sorry it's a bit long!

[TalisaMaegyr]

I've been with DP for 3 years. We are great mates, rarely fall out, talk loads, have loads of fun together and are generally happy.

However, there is a sticking point that's becoming really important, and I'm not sure if I'm making it more important that it needs to be.

I get up at 5:30 every morning, I need a bit of time alone before everyone else gets up, and I leave at 7:30 for work. I get tired in the evenings - not fall asleep on the sofa tired, but I like to go to bed about half past 10.

DP hates it. He stays up until about 12/1am, is constantly tired, but I just let him get on with it, he's an adult and can do what he likes.

He makes so many snide comments and little digs about me going to bed so 'early', that I stay up until half 11 or so to shut him up, and it makes me knackered!

I think he's being horribly selfish, and a little bit controlling tbh. We've talked about it, and argued about it. He makes me feel old (I'm 5 years older than him if that's relevant), and guilty for wanting to go to bed. He implies that I'm some sort of fucking party pooper all the time, and will not have it that this is unreasonable behaviour.

I do stay up much later at the weekends, but I still like getting up about 7:30 to make the most of it. I let him lie in every Sat and Sun, he doesn't ask me to, but I think it's a nice treat.

I suppose my question is... AIBU? Am I just an old fart that's spoiling his fun? Or is he a selfish arsehole?

I might show him this thread, as we argued about it last night.

Sounds similar to me and my boyfriend when I stay over at his. I am happy to go to bed at 10 or 10.30 whereas he wants to stay up at least an hour later ............ he is 14 years older than me though!

He is selfish and controlling. It seems from your post that you are trying to compromise but he wants it all his way. What time does he get up for work?

You like your 'alone time' first thing in the morning, he prefers his in the evening.

He's a dick to keep making snarky comments about you going to bed early. Start calling him a lazy fucker for lying in of a morning and see how he likes it.

In answer to your question, yes he's an arsehole.

He gets up at 6:45.

I choose to get up so early, but I don't like rushing in the morning.

He doesn't actually need alone time. He likes my company, and I like his, but I need time by myself which I rarely get. That's also why I get up early at the weekend.

I just cannot make him see that he's being selfish. I don't make him come to bed with me... So why should he try and make me stay up with him??

I know it sounds trivial. But it's not - to me, it's indicative of other things which I don't like.

I'm a fucking adult. Why am I having to do something I don't want to do?

is it really about sex for him? if so it's daft as he could just come to bed early with you and have more chance presumably than if he forces you to stay up till you're tired and fed up.

Hmmm, I'm not sure. We do it once or twice a week, it's not enough for him, but it is for me. I do try and make the effort to do it more, but the pill has messed up my libido, and I'm a bit menopausal as well

I'm sure it's more the company he craves. But I just see it as him being a prick, tbh.

Couldn't agree more about getting up early and having a little quiet time, OP!

Out of interest, on the occasions when you do stay up till his bedtime what do you do? Conversations? Watching TV? (Just trying to establish whether he's genuinely missing your company or not.)

I 'make' my dh stay up once a week til 11 - that was our compromise as I need much less sleep than him.

He gets back from work late and then about twice a week he's got some meeting in the evening.

So I wanted to see him for one evening a week - and all the good tv is 10-11 so we watch Hannibal.

Ah you know, watching tv, chatting. Nothing that we don't do every day!!

I keep telling him that 5 years ago, I was the same as him. Hated going to bed before midnight or 1am. But I'm TIRED. And even if it was my company he was missing, I don't think he has any right to try and control my bedtime.

Laurie, that's a really good compromise. I might suggest something similar. We could make it a date night maybe.

Hi there.
I don't think it's selfish. It's give-and-take surely. i am and have ALWAYS been rubbish in the mornings. I wear earplugs to shut out noise at night and would prefer to keep them in in the morning for about half an hour before I am "ready for the world"

Having a child did not change the way I felt but it changed the way I had to be. I work nights which adds to it. The father of my child never got it (we split up - not because of that).

I think you need to establish a boundary - two days a week you stay up later than you would prefer to but he reciprocates with leaving you alone for two mornings a week. If he can't do that then he isn't hearing you and that's a different issue.

I have started to explain to my son that I am bad in the mornings. And it is working.

I think he sounds very controlling, I wouldn't dream of telling my DH what time he should go to bed. As it happens he goes to bed earlier than me as he needs more sleep and I prefer to stay up until 11.30pm and then read in bed (and we have separate bedrooms ).

I don't think I could be with someone who told me what time to go to bed - and why doesn't he like his own company in the evenings when you are in bed? Surely most 'grown ups' are capable of watching tv, reading, going on the internet or whatever without having to sit with their partner in the evenings .

Your DH sounds like me. I can't bear having to go to bed a different time to my DH. If I am tired then he has to either come to bed with me or lay next to me until I fall asleep and he has to get up with me, or else I keep bouncing on his stomach lol. Its a control coping mechanism I have. But I am hugely emotionally needy. It stems from being bullied and rejected by people. My DH and my ex never complained they just go with it and it's never occured to me that it can be annoying!

I get up at 6 - 7am. Sometimes later as I'm sooo tired. I go to bed between 9 - 10.30pm. If i got up at 5.30 every day i'd be in bed at 9every night!

My dh 'needs' 10 hours sleep a night and since he gets up at 5.30 that would leave me driving round the teenagers every night while he came in from work, ate dinner and went to bed.

So I think since he has to go to other things in the evening I also should get an evening with him - think our compromise was a reasonable response.

Some people just need more sleep than others - I go at 11/12 every night and get up at 6. Dh is totally groggy for the first hour so I consider that I get up at the same time as him really.

Exactly Ragwort! Why the fuck does he need me there to watch tv with him? I think it's a bit pathetic.

dirtyhorse, thank you for your advice, but I'm a bit confused at your post. He doesn't bother me in the mornings, he's in bed for over an hour after I get up.... I also used to be vile in the mornings. That's why I get up at 5:30, so that by the time everyone else gets up, my sunny disposition has returned

Whatamessiamin - Jesus. That would drive me demented. You're lucky that you have had such understanding partners!

Laurie - . I have been repeating this over and over for at least a year now. I don't actually need loads of sleep. If I go to bed when I want to, I get 7 hours a night, and that's perfect for me. If I don't set an alarm, at the weekends, say, I naturally get up after about 7 hours. Apart from the 2 or 3 wees I have to have every night

Whatamess - wow, I couldn't cope with that, does your DH really have to go to bed at the same time as you every night - don't you ever have nights apart? My DH works away a lot - actually I don't really like going to bed at the same time as my DH - I am much happier with my own company.

That does sound really annoying. I can't believe he is bullying you into staying up later than you want to and depriving you of sleep.
How would he like it if you woke him at 5.30am every weekend morning instead of letting him lie in? And kept going on at him about being really lazy... Bet he wouldn't like it at all.
You leave him to his own sleep pattern and he should leave you to yours!

It's up to you when you get up and go to bed. Your DH is being unreasonable. If it's a sex thing he could always get up again and watch tv after you've had sex if he wasn't ready to sleep. He sounds needy tbh and needs to get over himself.

No we never have nights apart. None of our friends live locally so its just him and I. Not sure why they dont get annoyed and then to top it off, I suffer with mysognia which means certain noises drive me crazy like breathing and laughing a certain way, eating noises and others so I sleep with tissue stuck in my ears and DH cant make any "living" as he calls it, noises or I go crackers lol. But I must do something right cause neither of them complained and my ex stayed for ten years!

Good god. I thought I was difficult to live with

thank you whatamess you have made me feel so normal, sorry but you do sound like awfully hard work!

OP Yanbu at all! I go to bed before my dh every single night, then in the morning even though i have had 8 hours and he has only had 6 or 7, he is still all bright and breezy first thing, whereas i need to have a cup of tea and food before i can even say "good morning" it does my head in.

Tell him to lay off the snide remarks, thats out of order, we are all built differently and we all have different body clocks. Tell him to put up or shut up and show him this thread.