AIBU - cancelling pre-arranged access issue

[redundantandbitter]

So... My dds father gives me a spreadsheet with his access arrangements on it.

Every other weekend, every other Tuesday night for 3 hours (5-8pm) and every
Other Thursday (5-8pm he takes them to their swimming lesson). He sees them in this area.

He lives with new wife in a neighbouring county. It's a 90 min round trip journey.

This year he's cancelled 2 of the Tuesday evening slots. Due to work etc. then he wanted to cancel another and rearrange as he would have to 'leave work early' . I said no.

I have to scrabble to get to school for 3.15 on my 4 x working days so I didn't think it was unreasonable to say he
Would have to try and make his 5pm slot.

He doesn't do school picks up.

Fast forward to today. He arrives at 5pm to take dds swimming and announces he is cancelling another Tuesday visit in July as he and wife are going on a camping trip for the week.

I know everyone needs a break and it's just a camping trip, but when I raised the issue of it being another cancellation with no mention of making up the hours, or booking a hol with the dds he got all arsey. Said I was starting a row. Ok, for the record I was talking quietly and calmly as dds were around. I also said he'd brought up the subject of cancelling at 5pm , as the kids should be leaving for swimming, hoping that I wouldn't notice/say anything .

He then goes on about me having custody - I reminded him that our mediator explained 'custody' doesn't exist anymore. Then he starts saying the kids should go to school in his county mon-frid ... I reply ' but with both know you don't actually want that'. I am wrong up think its a distraction away from the original issue.

The back story is he moved out as I had an affair and he moved straight in with a colleague and married her less than a year later . So, the million dollar question is ... Is it really ok for him to pick and choose according to his already previously agreed bloody spreadsheet, because I had an affair. As this is where most of the discussions we have end up. I try not to talk to him , we keep out of each other's way mostly. But this is his default setting.

I know I can't make him see the dds but it's his spreadsheet . I have to fall in line. Or tough shit.

I think 'pick and choose' is a fairly emotive way of expressing it when the reality is that in 6 months he has missed 2 midweek contacts. You complain when he gives you notice because he isn't asking to make up the hours, but when he wanted to rearrange earlier in the year you refused.

You know if you discuss certain issues it is going to end up in a row people who have been betrayed by their spouses are often a bit argumentative, funny that so don't discuss it in front of the DC's. You need to simply say 'thanks for letting me know - I'll check and get back to you via email' or similar.

If you have to 'scrabble' to collect your DC's from school then you need to sort out some after-school care.

Thanks for your response. He used the phrase 'picking' a day to cancel , which is why I used 'pick and choose'

I'm sad that he doesn't say he misses them, will miss them, is planking to spend 'x' time with them. He just shrugs his shoulders. The cancelling is 2 times recently, and he had missed another as I took the kids away for a holiday (that we do at the same time/place every year). It feels like they see him so little, he's missing out.

He asked to rearrange and it didn't really work and it was right on the back of the last cancellation. I felt like he was taking the piss. He also would rather die than explain to work that he'd have to leave a little earlier to accommodate childcare commitments .

It wasn't a row . He can't communicate and hates anything that involved talking . He can't use the phone. It was a discussion. He brought it up , with hindsight I should have said I'll email you. I have asked him, in the past, to make time to talk about any upcoming issues. I'll do it by email in future.

He doesn't feel betrayed, he feels lucky that he's off loaded me and landed himself with a fancy house with a work colleague that he's always had a thing about. It could be worse actually, it's his life. I'm not bothered

I was using after school care til Xmas but they kids like me meeting them at school , and I really like collecting them too . Seeing their faces as they run out of school. So I make a huge effort to get there because it matters . They've had to endure a fair few changes so I'm trying to be a constant presence.