Do doubts at the start mean it won't work?

[rachelbuzz]

I was just looking for advice on whether doubts at the start always mean things won't work out because I feel a bit unsure and don't know what to do.

It's not often I really like someone, and I really like this man. We went on three dates and it was easy and there were the butterflies and I found myself feeling really happy and excited. We would have gone on a lot more dates but I was travelling with work so we spent a lot of time on the phone and texting and I think we got to know each other quite intimately and I really liked everything about him. I was thinking seriously on the lines of "this could be something with real potential". Every word he said or thing he did made me like him more.

Then it all sort of went rapidly wrong. He introduced me to his daughter (9) when he cooked dinner for me at his house and after that I started to panic a bit about the idea of a ready made family and what that would mean in the long run. She's lovely, but it's a big thing to take on (she lives with him full time). He wanted me to go on holiday with them and it felt a bit much too soon so I panicked really and called it off.

I know this was thinking quite far down the road, but I felt myself falling for him and started to question how we would "date" in light of his daughter...what would happen if we ever split up and all those sorts of things. I want a family and want to get married and I suppose it just felt like there were practical obstacles.

Other things causing me to have doubts are that I work away a lot and was concerned about seeing him enough as it's not easy for him to drop everything, and I also worried that he's only been divorced for six months and may not be ready. He's also not 100% my type physically -although I do fancy him like mad for some reason.

The problem is, I think about him all the time and find myself a lot less happy since I called it off. I find myself checking his FB page to see what he's doing and it always makes me smile. He's clearly so well liked and he's got such a lovely way about him. I find myself "liking" every photo he puts on FB and I find myself looking for ways to get chatting to him or things to text him about.

It's a definite case of thinking with your head instead of your heart and I am not sure if I am making a mistake. The way I saw it was that if I was having doubts and fears that early on it would get worse. To be honest, in two years I've never felt like I liked anyone this much and I think maybe there might be something there but the fact that I feel unsure makes me think I can't like him THAT much.

Has anyone else started off a relationship with doubts like these and then overcome them? Or do they tend to get worse?

I don't want to monkey around with a man with a child unless I feel it's going to work out, but I also don't want to miss a chance.

Do not all relationships start off all simple? Has anyone started off a bit like this with uncertainty? Is it a bad sign?

It is really hard dating someone with children, especially if they live with them, you really are taking them both on, but if you get on well with his dd and she seems to be open to the idea of him having a relationship then you're half way there!

Can you just take it steady, it's easy to rush in and then get overwhelmed, but there's no reason why you can't just date fairly casually to start with, try to keep it just you and him for the most part so that you don't get too deeply entwined in the whole 'ready made family thing' and see how you feel a few months in.

To be fair, it is important for you to see how he parents his dd as that will affect how you see him now, but also as a potential father for your own DCs down the line, but initially you need to get to know him without the pressure of all that on your shoulders.

When I have had a falling out with my dp and have been ready to throw in the towel he seems almost more hurt by the idea that I could walk away from his DCs than about us separating. He is very protective of them and he knows that anyone who is allowed close enough to form a strong relationship with them is in a privileged position and needs to respect that. For me that was enough to back off a bit with the family stuff for a while, I don't need the responsibility of worrying about someone else's children when I am busy taking care of my own and myself.

It is definitely something to consider, but I don't think it necessarily means this is doomed, you just need time to get your head around it and find out where you fit into his family.

Is his ex still on the scene? He do they get on? This seems to be the factor that causes the most upheaval in blended families as a whole.

I think you're overanalysing, which is understandable, especially when there is a child in the mix.

Not all relationships start off simple, no. I've been married nearly 10 years now. Not always happily - we aren't all that compatible really which I knew right from the start - and yet there was something about him. I was always happier with him than without. We had a really flakey start - he'd just split up with his long term ex. I was FAR too open about previous relationships which he couldn't (can't) cope with. Neither of us was really the others 'type'
We are still together though. In the midst of all the doubts something was 'right'

The fact that you are unsure does not mean you don't like him that much - it means you are a human being and you are trying to balance heart and head. In your situation, I would say go with your heart, but keep it slow.

Don't go on holiday yet - that is too much as you said - keep to dating for now.
Good luck x

*how do they get on?

If you feel that you can't accept the responsibility of his daughter then I think you should stay away. You won't be her mum but her prescence will always impact upon your relationship. Not necessarily in a bad way, it just depends how you interpret the situation.

If you can accept that he has a child and the responsibility that carrys then I think go for it.

I do think you have fallen for this man by what you have said but remember he's a package.

Just an observation: men go through the exact same situation but on a far more regular basis. I just asked my husband's opinion of when we started dating. He said he too struggled with the idea of me having a ready made family, and that's why he took nearly two years to agree to move in together. His advice was just to take it slow, but he thinks its probably damaging to tell your man how you are feeling as, prior to meeting me, he made the mistake of telling a woman he was dating that he didn't want to go on holiday so early in the relationship and when she asked why, he mentioned her daughter and it caused problems because she accused him of being scared of commitments and the relationship only lasted a couple of months because of it. He's got kids of his own, so his worries were less about "bringing up somebody else's child" and more around the impact on his kids and mine if it didn't work out.
He suggested telling the guy concerned that you don't want to be seen by his child as anything more than a friend of yours, until you are both ready to make a commitment and therefore, shared holidays are out.
Incidentally, i made the mistake of inviting a man to live with me when my son was quite young, and after just 3 mnths of seeing him. I really regret doing so (not that he was a bad person, we just didn't work out); my son really missed playing football with him when he went. So chances are he will be understanding of your concerns.

In terms of his past, it's unblemished. The ex is not on the scene at all really. From what I can sense he doesn't want her back (because her behavior was atrocious) but he did love her and I can see it's left a scar on him because she really hurt him a lot. But also perhaps that it's made him a better person if that makes sense.

I forgot in my OP, but the other thing that actually triggered me to move from being a bit uncomfortable to actually calling it off was that he got a bit jealous. Admittedly I did something a bit thoughtless and if the boot had been on the other foot I would have been very annoyed too. It was just that he had a go at me at the exact moment I was having these doubts and the combination caused me to call it off. It just felt too serious too quickly.

He did apologise for getting it wrong, and sent me a nice little email to explain he'd been through a lot with his ex wife and had maybe lost some of his innate sense of trust in people. He also took it incredibly graciously when I called it off but said he was sad and disappointed.

One of the things that made me feel like I was falling for him was the way he was with his daughter. And she reminds me so much of him. She is also funny and the banter between them is adorable. Their house was a happy house and it's clear he's a good person.

I also know he really likes me, and really wants me to change my mind and we are seeing each other next week at a party by mutual friends. I am finding myself excited to see him but just so unsure.

I suppose I always thought when you met the right person you "just knew" and there were no doubts. Is that a childish view?

I hope a rocky start doesn't always mean things won't work out because there is just something about this man that feels very right.

He has been divorced for 6 months but how long ago did he split from his wife?
I split with my H 5 years ago and I'm still not divorced.
So this may not be a factor at all.

How old are you and how old is he?

I think you could still date this guy but take things slowly.
If you click then you shouldn't throw it away because he has a child.
Will you rule out every man with a child from now on?

And.... I had a very rocky start with my current OH.
It was on and off like mad.
But it's been stable for nearly a year now and we really love each other.
Sometimes things take time.

Thank you Jamie1981. One of the big things on my mind really was that the little girl was such a great kid and clearly wanting a woman around her. Her Mum disappeared really. She sort of cuddled up to me when we were watching a film and at the time it felt really nice, I was holding his hand and felt completely happy but afterwards I kept wondering how she would feel to lose someone else from her life and I just scared myself. I don't feel ready for HER to be part of our relationship, but if I loved him, then yes...I could step up to the plate. I just want to know if I could love him first. I think I might

He is 39 I am 36. They split 2 years ago but to be fair she was still back and forth a lot between those times so I do feel like it is still quite fresh.

Honestly IMHO too soon to be introduced to his daughter after a few dates!

Yes, it felt very weird anitmatter but then it was sort of me that suggested it. Not to be introduced to her, but when he couldn't get a babysitter I said I would come over instead. Not sure why I didn't twig it was a bad idea.

The thing is your doubts are all logistical: how would this work, how would I feel if...

It seems like if you two are compatible and keep the lines of communication open, you will find your own path when the time comes.

The sorts of doubts that would cause me to not bother with a relationship include: not being physically attracted at all, being annoyed by their little habits, feeling criticised or belittled, my friends not liking them or vice versa...

The jealousy thing might be one of those but if he handled it graciously and you feel comfortable with how it was resolved, then maybe that's actually a good sign.

To be honest, from everything you've said it sounds like you should go on a few more days sans daughter and see how things work out.

Dates not days!

As a person, him alone...no logistical factors taken into account...I have probably never liked anyone more at the start of a relationship

I think it's ok to have doubts, in fact I would find it odd if you didn't. I don't think it matters as long as you take things slowly.

Relax, do other things, hang out with your other friends and carry on dating him for a good while before making any big commitments such as moving in with him.
I hope everything goes well

Okay. Well I found myself suggesting that we go together to this party, and he's picking me up so I will just try and explain I sort of regret my decision and want to just try and spend some time together alone if we can to see if something is there. Hopefully he agrees.

It will help you in some ways that the ex is not on the scene, as a lot of step parenting issues are caused by the other parent having different standards and ideals or the parent you are seeing putting the ex's feelings above yours because he is scared about her cutting his contact with the dcs.

In your situation a lot of the potential grief is absent, but on the flip side you will probably take on a maternal role pretty quickly when there is no mum in the picture, whether you choose to or not, as his dd is probably really happy to have another female in her life. Just be aware that if she becomes jealous or clingy when her dad gives you attention you may have to step back and take second place. This is something I struggle with tbh.