It took me a while but we had the talk

[confusion77]

I posted a while ago about my husbands behaviour. Things have been up and down, mostly down, since then. Last night he was in one of his moods about things he considered I was wrong about.

I told him i couldn't cope anymore. It feels like he constantly criticises me (and everyone else) and I had started to alter me behaviour to avoid annoying him.

He (typically for him) responded 'oh yes thats right it must be me ' to which I replied that it was him. I am by no means perfect I know but this issue with his behaviour ovr the smallest of things, is killing our relationship and i won't live like it anymore.

I also said that I thought he had some sort of mh problem. He certainly suffers with anxiety but i am sure there is more. I was sure he had been thinking it himself but apparently not, even though he has been told it by various people since school (his words)

He did not seem willing to consider it at all. I can't see a way forward.

I feel so sad that its come to this but i just can't cope anymore.

Trying to link to my previous thread but can't find it.

hi confusion. at the top there should be a 'threads i've started' link which would be the easiest way.

Thanks. I only have access on my phone and its not there.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2089713-Would-really-appreciate-some-thoughts-advice

Thank you pig and thank you to all the lovely people who replied before.

I feel dreadful. I feel like I am the one person he had left.

Sorry pog

He is a grown adult. If you were the one person he had left, the one person left looking out for him, then he should have been fucking treasuring you, not making you feel like shit.

I think his reaction has given you your answer, but I'm sorry.

You are not responsible for making this man happy. He has to do that on his own.

Thanks kaykay. I started my previous post by saying i felt like I have wasted my life and that is how i feel. I do worry about him but I have come to realise, as you say, that I am not responsible for his happiness. He seems to have such a low opinion of me and i am NOT a bad person.

He doesn't seem to realise that his unhappiness will stay with him regardless of me.

I've been on my own a number of years and financially I'm not at all well off, rented house, make do and mend - because basically I didn't fight for what I was due when I split with ex, but that's another issue. Sometimes I do get a little down about it, always been skint and having to do everything on my own etc.

A friend of mine from college who I hooked up with again recently, is married to a guy with a really good job, has a beautiful big detached house, big Range Rover, doesn't have to work etc. etc.

She invited me over for dinner one night so off I went. Lovely house, beautifully decorated etc. big garden and I admit to feeling very envious until her husband came home that is. I came away from there thanking the Lord and and all the stars in the heavens for being single. For being able to go home to my modest little house and not have an arsehole like her husband waiting for me.

The whole time I was there he was criticising her and just generally grumpy and snipey - not with me, he was civil enough - but with her and criticising what she was doing preparing the meal. I could see her getting more and more flustered and eventually he sort of took over. I was expecting some kind of gourmet feast the way he was going on, and when we got it - the meal was average, something I could easily have knocked up in five minutes, but he made such a palaver out of it, my nerves were jangling. He was such a miserable fucker I couldn't wait to get out of there.

How in hell she puts up with him I have no idea and if this bloke has any friends I would be very surprised - although he may be different with other people I don''t know. However I did speak to another couple of college friends who knew them and they said he's always like it whenever they've met him, carping and criticising and miserable.

It sounds like your H is similar to my friend's H. Life's too short to spend it with a miserable bastard that's always criticising you and moaning and groaning.

If he hasn't got anyone else apart from you then that's his problem not yours. You owe it to yourself not to carry on like this.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Just posted this on your other thread, .

You have tried, but you can't single-handedly revive this.
One thing I noticed in your previous thread, talking about the home you have
I have waited ywars for this house and i love it so much.

That sounded so heartfelt, compared to how you talk about DH. You have tried, but you can't single-handedly revive this.

His constant moaning must drive you round the bend but I am still wondering how did he explain the stress that caused him to throw in his last job? After all he is scathing about MH and depression, so how come he was so afflicted he had to chuck in work? Let me guess - he never saw the need to elaborate, he went ahead anyway.

He's either in this marriage, or you’re out. He's either in this marriage, or you’re out.

He sounds like such a wet blanket. Taking a two hour bath to escape?

confusion77 - a life lived is never a wasted life :)

Even if you feel like you have made lots of mistakes, you will have learnt from them. You will learn from this as well. This will be a new chapter in your life, and hopefully being free of this incompetent man child will mean that you have the freedom to live more as you would like.

Good luck xxxxxxx

You are YOUNG don't waste a second more of your life with him if he doesn't make you happy.

Thank you. I am dreading going home.

We have always had ups and downs and I long ago made the decision that I could cope with the downs. Which is why I married him. But it has gone to a whole new level of downs which began about a month after our wedding. Its been a shock for me to realise that it has escalted so much. And that i can't cope with it after all.

I read your other thread.
You sound so sad, and worn down.

You really have tried your best with your DH and your relationship, but it seems to be one sided. Like all controlling people, it seems he does have a problem, but it is not MH (or not only that, in his case).

IMO - It actually matters, in his mind, that the car isn't scratched, or that you've used the Wrong Thing to blow your nose on, or that you share his opinion regarding random people in the street, etc.

He can't understand that you're a separate being with your own views; that you think these things are irrelevant and not worth discussing (like most people). That makes him angry and sarcastic. Hence 'oh yes, that's right, it must be me.'

I'm glad you called his bluff and agreed that, yes - it is him.

You are doing the right thing. I know you feel sad and regretful just now. But imagine if it was 10 years' time ....and you were still there.

Ah fuck i'm crying again.

Thanks wyrdy you are right. I am so sad. And yes, these things do really matter to him. Hes so sane and logical sometimes that I struvgle to understand the times that he behaves like this, but I can see it in his face, he just. doesn't. get it.

I'm home and he isn't here. I am really really hoping that he chooses to stay away for a bit. But only really has his parents and I think he feels they aren't an option. (I told him that his mum agrees with me...)

He's back.

I'm sorry you feel so down, confusion77. You really have done your best.
I hope you at least get some peace tonight.

X post.

Thanks again. I feel sad for both of us. I really feel sad for him as he has alienated himself from everyone. I was the last man standing as such. And he isn't a total arsehole. He can be fantastic.