I'm a regular but I have name changed for this just for personal reasons.
I apologise now for the length of this topic and I understand if you don't get to the end! :) Some details may be vague as it's been difficult at times and I have blocked some things out of memory. Thank you for being patient!
Short story - I have a toxic grandmother who I am desperate to remove from my life for my own sanity and mental well-being. I have tried to have no contact since 2009 but the end of last year she tracked me down.
Background history - Firstly, I am in no way after pity or sympathy. Nor do I want people to think I am writing this for ''oh woe is me''. All this happened a very long time ago but it all has reasons to my post today.
I had a rather difficult childhood. Growing up from a very early age with an alcoholic father. He was a great man when not influenced. When he was, he became a monster. I lived in a war zone between my parents constant arguments, throwing of plates and fights. Later on in life, ironically, my mother turned to drink to cope with her own personal situations. So, life from the start was rocky.
As a child I used to spend a lot of time with my Dad's sister (my aunt) and my Dad's parents (grandparents). When I was about 6 my Dad's sister and her husband adopted three children (2 boys and a girl) and life was great having cousins to play with.
Everything fell apart when I was 8 and the eldest adopted son (about 13 at the time) raped me twice within a space of a couple months. It took a while for me to eventually tell my mum in whatever way a child can explain such a thing. (Sorry if these next parts are a bit vague. I have blocked out a lot of the details.) The rest of the family were obviously then involved and told etc and my Aunt told my mum that she adopted these children knowing this son had a past of sexual abuse but had kept it quiet so that he would be accepted into the family. I was then basically told to keep quiet and act as if everything was normal as my Grandmother is well known in the community for her part in the WI and church and I'd bring 'shame' upon them. In fact, I remember one day playing in their garden and my Aunt's husband bringing this boy to me to ''apologise''. I was so young and naive at the time that I just turned round and told him ''it was okay''.
A year later I finally plucked up the courage to speak to a child protection police officer with the support of my mother and report this case. My Aunt is a social worker and has contacts within the police and she found out I'd done this and panicked that it would ruin her chance of keeping the other two children. A few years later I went back to restart my case (as I was a bit older by this time) to find out that my case ''didn't exist'' and a ''report was never made''. Therefore, I was told there was nothing that could be done now as too much time has lapsed. Obviously, I have no proof but I always will believe my Aunt had something to do with this.
This boy ended up being removed from the family a few years later anyway after he got banned from a public swimming pool for sexual abuse on another person within the cubicals. (It also later surfaced that he sexually abused his sister and brother but that too was kept quiet).
All this caused my father to drink more. He drank to deal with the fact he never could protect his little girl. Things fell even more apart in my life when my Dad's father passed away. He was one of very, very few people who supported me through some troubles in my life. I went off the rails at 13 and coped by doing the only thing I thought was natural and passed the next couple of years in a haze of drink, drugs and spending time with friends much older than I was.
I met a wonderful DP at 15 (9 years later we are still together) who helped me turn my life around and go to college and become more stable. My father than passed away when I was 17 and I had a mental breakdown (have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression since). He supported me through all of that too.
My dad's mum was her usual heartless self when I had to break the news to her that I found him dead and was only concerned about whether some jumpers she'd brought him a couple of weeks previously still had their tags on so she could return them for a full refund. Her own son!
The end of last year and the start of this year were very difficult times for me and my DP as he was diagnosed with MS and I had a miscarriage shortly afterwards. These two things in life made me realise I have to take control for my own mental well-being and remove the toxic people from my life.
I last saw and had contact with my dad's sister and dad's brother (both as toxic) was at my father's funeral in 2007 and as far as we are all concerned this is the way it'll remain.
My grandmother on the other hand managed to find out where I work and my address last year and attempted to visit me numerous times until I had to embarrassingly admit to my bosses that I didn't want her to come into my workplace (they managed to put a stop to that) and then the letters started. She managed to catch me at my workplace before she was stopped and she tried to hug me and act as if nothing has ever happened and that we had only seen each other a few days ago!
She is well aware of everything that has happened. She is controlled by my Aunt so greatly but she has hurt me more than words can ever explain. She should of been there for me. She has told me in the past when I have tried to breach the subject of my past that ''everyone else has got over it and I need to learn to get over it too'' and ''it's all under the carpet now, just leave it there''. And I'm sad that I cannot just do that. For me, it's not that simple. I am also still very bitter about the fact that she never included me in the scattering of my grandfathers ashes knowing just how much he meant to me. Still to this day she will not tell me where it took place. Despite my other blood cousins and family being involved.
Breathe Sorry for the length! Basically, I want to write her one final letter. I went to tell her not to contact me again. I want to tell her just how much I have been hurt and betrayed. I want to tell her how much I have struggled. I want to tell her just how much my heart still aches.
I wrote out a letter in January (this is something that's been on my mind for a very long time!) which took me a lot of courage to do but it's still sat in my kitchen in an unstamped envelope.
I get one shot at writing this letter and I'm scared. I'm scared of being honest. I don't know why I feel this way and it angers me that I'm even considering her feelings in my letter and dulling down some of the things I really want to say to her.
Basically, I want to know - should I rewrite a detailed letter just expressing everything. Every feeling, every thought or is she just not worth my time and I should send the original letter basically just telling her not to contact me again?
Looking back over this I'm not even sure why I have wrote this. (Feeling a bit silly now!) but to a degree, finally, for the first time in my life seeing this in black and white already feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If you have got this far, thank you. Thank you for your time and patience. 
