over reacting or right to feel this way?

[lkm222]

Need some outsiders advice on a situation.

I'm currently 15 weeks with my 2nd baby, my 1st is 2 1/2

My partner has been a heavy gambler for many years, although he had stopped up until recently, now he has spent all his money the last 2 months in the bookies and then I found out (when I went to get some money out of the bank) that he'd wiped my bank account too

I've recently been diagnosed with sjorgens syndrome, which has many complications for the baby, least of all the risk of misscarrying, so I have more important things (in my mind) to worry about, without the added worry of money or lack of it.

He's said he's sorry, but being the hormonal monster that any pregnant woman can be, I flew off the handle, basically told him to get lost.

Am I over reacting, or am I right to feel this way?

NO you are not over reacting if I was you I would of thrown him out by now he stole of you and ypur children that's unforgivable as far as im concerned he should be spending his money on you no gambling and stealing your money tut tut you should of punched him.

I don't think your hormones are really to blame for your feelings, they made have added to your anger but what your partner did was not acceptable and you have every right to be furious, hormones or no hormones.

Still not ok to punch him though! If it was me I would be giving him some sort of ultimatum involving Gamblers anonymous but I know not everyone is willing to follow through on an ultimatum in which case there's no point as it's meaningless. I would (and have- but for alcohol not gambling). I suppose you just have to figure out whether you're willing to put up with this in an ongoing basis or not.

Not overreacting. I would be having a serious think about whether you want to stay with this man if I were you. He has a gambling problem and he has stolen money from you whilst you're having health problems and at risk of miscarrying your baby. On the face of it, there's not much to recommend him..

By the way the posters on the relationships board are great and will have really wise advice. You could ask to have your thread moved to there- you might get more responses?

Thanks ladies.
Just needed someone else to say what I was thinking.
I'd rather be on my own I think than to live with the not knowing when its gonna happen next.
He has been promising for weeks about going to GA, and still he's not been. :-/

I couldn't see the relationship board, did look, maybe just having a blind moment :-)

It's in the "life and style" section on the top banner but if you click on "report" on your original post you can send a message asking for your thread to be moved. There's probably others over there who've been through what you're experiencing and can help.

No, if anything I think your reaction was quite subdued.

I would strongly recommend that you leave now. He stole from you. Stole from his own partner simply to gamble. If you stay with this man you are going to be hiding money from him so he can't spend it. That is insanely unhealthy.

I would recommend that you leave now - you do not need this additional stress - and tell him to only bother talking to you again once he has been to GA and completely clean for 6 months.

if he won't get help immediately then leave.

What are you going to do to feed your child and pay rent now your money's gone? What will you do with 2 children...

Go and stay with some family or rent somewhere until he's sorted himself out or leave altogether!

Definitely not an overreaction! I am sure you would have reacted the same way if you weren't pregnant.
Agree with the others, you need to seriously consider if you still want to be with him. However, ultimatums don't always work. He needs to realise what he has done wrong and decide to get help himself. Any addiction can only be overcome if the addicted person wants to overcome it.

To be honest you should have reacted that way even if you weren't pregnant!

Your reaction is not an overreaction, I understand how you feel and have been there.... 3 weeks before my wedding to a wonderfully kind, caring, handsome and successful man I found out that my husband to be had a gambling addiction and that he had run up tens of thousands of pounds of debt along with spending all the money for our wedding. I was devastated. I was left with a choice and I decided to marry him anyway because I loved him. Together we worked though paying off his debts, helping him stop gambling and rebuilding our relationship.

This worked well for 10 months and then he lost his job, we were abroad and this meant we basically lost everything. He did ok for another month and after I stated work I he started gambling again. I had been so caught up with trying to survive and overcome what had happened I wasn't keeping close watch on our accounts. One Sunday morning he came into the room we were renting and told me that he had gambled our rent, I said he could withdraw the rent from my account instead and he said he had but gambled that as well. In 3 days 1800 was gone. At a time when we had nothing. I took all cards from him and he lived on a allowance, I got receipts for everything he spent money on and he went to GA.

We both went on to get a nice flat, all debts are paid off, we're in the position to buy a house and 2 pretty fantastic jobs and my husband didn't gamble for 18 months. It was a very happy time. I trusted him more and more with money and I suppose I convinced myself he was 'better'.

Recently I woke up from a night out and discovered him standing in the room staring at me. (Nice) He told me he had gambled the day before and spent 400. I was really disappointed but our friend had died and I felt it was him running back to his safe place, gambling to cope. I was really nice about it- after all in comparison to years before 400 is a drop in the ocean and he came to me to tell me before it went out of control.
I am 7.4 weeks pregnant, last week we had a scare and after he had put me to bed when we got home, I woke up to find him gone. I checked our bank account and saw 3 withdrawals in 30mins. I immediately transferred the rest to savings and waited for him to come home. I was not nice or understanding this time. We have a baby on the way. He betrayed us both and I'm not having that. As a result we have returned to me not enabling his actions. He has no access independently to any money. We are about to buy a home I can't have him screw that up for us all. He as always is sorry but what makes his easy to work with is that he recognizes he has a problem and is proactive in trying to help himself.

My husband gambles and it's a horrific time every time he falls off the wagon so to speak. It attacks our relationship, I feel betrayed and let down and am left with an overall sense of insecurity. I love him, I meant my vows and this is his sickness and I understand that this is part of his nature and it is related very much to his childhood. He makes no excuses for his actions and allows me in good humor to help him when he falls into it again. He goes to GA twice a week willingly. He is a wonderful and decent man, he just has an addiction that sometimes still gets the better of him and I know what I am willing to put up with.

I know he will gamble again, the sums are getting smaller and he comes to me to tell me which really helps. I hate the waste of money. I signed up for this because I knew before I married him, I made this choice and I have never regretted it. I am married to a lovely man, just not the perfect man I thought he was. Gambling ruins lives if they keep gambling and refuse to get help! If my husband didn't we would split up.

Hello

We've moved this to Relationships at the OP's request.

Thanks
MNHQ