Little encouragement that it gets better?

[verysadwoman]

I'm feeling really, really low today and was wondering if anyone else had ever felt like that.

I'm 37. Have never had much luck with men, but I met "the one" when I was 30 and we were totally happy. He proposed, then a few months after he did he left me very suddenly. Really viscous dumping that I've struggled to come to terms with.

I've dated three people since then briefly and the first two I felt nothing for, but the third one I really liked.

He was very keen, we were having a great time and then he also rejected me out of the blue.

I'm just feeling really low. Does it really get better? I feel left on the shelf, I feel tired of being hurt.

Hi. Do you have any idea why the one who proposed suddenly left? how long had you actually been together.

We were together 5 years. To be honest until the day he left I thought we were the happiest couple. Everyone did. He never told anyone he was having doubts or anything and it left everyone in shock. There was no one else involved...he's still single and never even dated anyone else. It's hard to come to terms with because you want answers that don't exist.

I'm so sorry. I really wish people would think before they cause so much damage to a person they are supposed to love.

They tell me it's not about me...but it feels very much about me. I feel faulty or something.

I was so hopeful with the new man I was seeing. It felt like I came sort of alive again. It was going so well. He was so attentive, encouraging, keen and then he just switched off and pulled away. I know the reasons he did, but they seemed silly to me. He sort of made his mind up without really discussing it (if he had discussed it, it could easily have been resolved) but it reminded me so much of what happened before that I just cowered away.

It feels like re-living it all over again.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Can I recommend Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed? It's very helpful.

Thanks Vander, I just ordered it. I hope it helps. I think it's just loneliness really. I miss being loved.

My fiance was a great guy. He really (acted like) he loved me. He was so good to me. He was my best friend and we laughed all the time and shared everything and then he just disappeared.

I miss him a lot.

I never get to admit that in RL because my friends get angry. They hate him for what he did.

I love that book by Cheryl Strayed - and her other one too, Lost and found on the Pacific Coast Trail.

very you have said that you know why he pulled away. Can you tell us why?

We had one "bad" date really Doitforme. I think I showed how upset I was about my ex and he then went a bit cold for a week, so I went cold in return and then I sort of said "this isn't working how about we be friends?" and he said "ok" basically.

I know it was bad form to mention my ex, but he'd sent me an email when the new guy was here that was really horrible and it just made me cry.

I did want to explain and comfort him, but he pulled away and I was too tired / defeated to chase so I just let him go.

Well it's not like he just left you. You obviously upset him with your hang ups over your ex and he possibly feels he is living in his shadow.

Why don't you contact him and explain how sorry you are?

And the first guy could he be gay?

No quitelikely. At first I thought maybe he had a debt problem, or a drug problem or another woman or something funny going on but he's more in some sort of midlife crisis. I read that Midlife crisis script thing on here and it was almost word for word what happened. Like so many stories I have read.

He did everything on the list really -dropping a bomb on me, acting like it was my fault, coming out with stuff he'd never mentioned before, starting going to the gym and buying an abs machine, going cold and not giving a shit what happened to me. All in the space of 24 hours really. Like a light switch, but I know he must have been planning it for a while.

The thing is I am over him (would never, ever take him back), but not over the experience. He sent me a vile email and it made me cry. I know this might seem to the other guy like I wasn't over him but it was really just being kicked again by someone who was once my partner and best friend and it hurts. I would have cried the same if a friend or family member had done it.

I just figured if he liked me enough he'd have talked to me about it instead of pulling back and going cold. Perhaps the fact that he didn't talk about it like an adult put my prickles up too because having been through what I went through I really need someone who talks and is open and honest. I did apologise and try and talk but he was evasive about a date and time to meet and I just thought "I'm not doing this!"

I still do really like him. Do you think it's worth seeing him again? He has still stayed in close contact. Texts me jokes and little comments.

Well the first guy sounds like he had had a fling or affair with another woman if he fitted the midlife crises script which generally occurs when having another woman.

The second bloke , maybe it wasn't just the email you had in the middle of the date. There must have been some other behaviour going on before that. Did you talk about your ex a lot. Were you insecure with new man, did you question him a lot? Just curious to try and make sense.
If you really think that new man might be still into you, you could always send him just one text. Ask him if he ever wonders about trying again with you. Nothing more. His answer should give you the information you want. What do you think?

Yes, maybe I did do those things a bit :( I'm going to txt him now actually. Have been thinking a bit about this today and maybe from his point of view I came across as hung up on the ex still. He will be a bit merry after the football so might be a good time.

Thanks doitforme.

Okay...done...fingers crossed then.

Got one back right away :)

That's good, taking positive action. Don't forget you only need to find one man who is right for you so having some relationships fail is inevitable until you find the 'one'.

Well I have a date!

Yay!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!! Im so glad. How do you feel.

Normally I would never suggest chasing a man but given what you had said sending him one text to test the waters seemed appropriate.

Thanks for getting me to do that. He just replied "let's do this x" so I just hope it goes well. I feel nervous, but happy too.

How exciting very. The "lets do this is very good too". When is your date? I think you have to maybe delete your ex from your emails and your phone. He is your past. If you want this man to be your future then I think you have to put all that behind you and move on. Fresh start. New man. Enjoy and don't go being insecure or overanalysing everything. Be happy and enjoy learning about him.

Mum is visiting at the weekend, so we decided on Monday. Bit of an odd night but I have plans next weekend so didn't want to wait three weeks. He said he'd try and arrange it so he could go into work late on Tuesday.

You're right, I need to stop being insecure and stop analysing everything. I did do that but didn't really realise I was doing it.

Thanks so much for the advice!

Your welcome. If I can be of any further help don't hesitate to pm me. I can be your relationship coach.....

OP, do think about properly cutting your ex out if your life. It seems quite weird that he's sending you vile emails after so long, and there's no reason for you to put up with that. New (ish) man, new life :) Block your ex!

Thank you so much doitforme!

Kalidanger, yes, it probably is time to do that. Probably is time to o a lot of things to break the ties between us as we have a few threads still hanging (financially etc.)