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Relationships

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Original poster

Has anyone had a baby with their ex?

25 replies

HeyBungalowBill · 18/06/2014 22:07

Just that really!
Not really planning on doing it but if in future I was interested in having a baby I would prefer DS's dad to be the sperm donor (remember this is all theoretical) so DS had a full sibling and a dad if my ex also wanted a baby.

Has anyone decided to have a baby with their ex?
Or do you know anyone that has? How did it work out?

I'm not interested in hearing this WOULD be a terrible idea, as I'm not actually planning on doing it, it was just a thought. Just curious if it's been done by any MNers

OP posts:

Jamie1981 · 18/06/2014 22:17

If i was him, no way would i agree. Not in a million years. Complications for future relationships for him, and the probability of an 18 year child maintenance claim.

Original poster

HeyBungalowBill · 18/06/2014 22:19

It's a shame he already has 18 years to go through with our current DS then isn't it

OP posts:

williaminajetfighter · 18/06/2014 22:25

Don't do it. There is a reason he is your ex! I had DC2 with my ex, thought we could give it a go and all the exact same problems arose. Surprise, surprise!!

WildBillfemale · 18/06/2014 22:29

I think someone is struggling to understand what an EX is.

The notion is utter madness.

Original poster

HeyBungalowBill · 18/06/2014 22:34

I think someone else is struggling to understand I was just curious if anyone had done it, I'm not planning on it!

The thought was triggered by another thread where a MNer is contemplating using a sperm donor as she has fertility issues meaning she needs to TTC ASAP if she wants another child, I imagined myself in that position and was thinking I'd rather ask my ex to donate sperm than a stranger

OP posts:

SqutterNutBaush · 18/06/2014 22:45

A friend of mine did this. She split up with her DS' dad and found out he was moving away so they decided to have another so that DS1 would have a full sibling.

Needless to say Ex takes pretty much nothing to with either child and they now have a half sibling and it doesn't seem to affect anyone.

FWIW my siblings and I have different fathers, we are brother/sisters regardless, I don't know anyone who actually uses "half" terms.

chaseface · 18/06/2014 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gotagoldtoof · 18/06/2014 22:49

I have just split up from my husband. If I wanted another child, I cannot imagine having one with another man. In my current view - even though we're not together, if I wanted another child (luckily I don't), it would have to be with him. Not sure if that makes sense. My ex is smart though, and would never even consider this!

sweetlilacsinspring · 18/06/2014 23:17

Mm I don't think it's madness actually, it totally depends on circumstances.

To cite my own experiences, I want to leave DH. I am positive I will not have a relationship with another man again, I wouldn't want one. I have two children with DH, a boy and a girl. I will be honest here and say a big motivator in not leaving him before was the fact that I desperately wanted a second child. So in a sense I did what the OP is doing. And it's better in many ways that it's an honest and open arrangement.

Men, and women, can be crap husbands or wives but good mums and dads and I don't think an unconventional setup is necessarily wrong in any way. In fact I often think we'd all be a lot happier if we weren't forced into monogamous relationships in order to have children.

Original poster

HeyBungalowBill · 19/06/2014 09:26

I'm still a bit shocked at the sexist first comment! God forbid a man has to pay for his child and that a future partner might not be happy about him having children!

But anyway that aside, I imagine it could work depending on the people. If they both get on well and both would like another child then I don't see why not!
Like pp has said a bad husband or wife can still be wonderful mums and dads (sorry forgot username and can't look on my phone!)

OP posts:

Original poster

HeyBungalowBill · 19/06/2014 09:28

I think it could also be more beneficial for the child as opposed to using a sperm donor as both children would go to their dads for example, instead of one going and the other one feeling left out.

I'm not saying sperm donation is bad in that sense, it may work for some people but for me that would be part of a worry for me

OP posts:

Lollyheart · 19/06/2014 09:30

Someone I know is planning on doing this, both of them think it's a good idea.
They get on better as friends than they do a couple .

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/06/2014 09:33

I would be a bit dubious if having a 'full sibling' was the main motivation, tbh. What's wrong with half-siblings?

If ex was a fantastic committed father, there were no relationship issues, and was fully on board though, I would say possibly.

OwlCapone · 19/06/2014 09:37

You could view it as being the same as a lesbian couple using a friend as the sperm donor for their children.

It would expend on your relationship with the Ex, why he was an ex and what involvement he wants compared to what you expect from him.

Trazzletoes · 19/06/2014 09:39

A friend of mine has done this. She and ex were very clear that they weren't getting back together, just having another baby together as they both wanted 2 children but didn't want to be together.

Afaik he's as hands on with DC2 as DC1.

I can't imagine doing it myself but they seem to be happy.

Original poster

HeyBungalowBill · 19/06/2014 10:08

I wouldn't consider it myself as my ex isn't someone I want more involvement with but I think definitely think I'd do it if my ex was a better father!

Also I didn't mean there's anything wrong with half siblings, I just imagine it would be nice to be in the exact same boat as your other sibling.
It doesn't mean much though as for example my dad is closer to his half siblings than to his full brother! Him and his full brother are complete opposites in every way!

OP posts:

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 19/06/2014 10:19

I wouldnt do, my ex is a crap dad, it would just mean he was a crap dad to 2 children instead of 1.

kaykayblue · 19/06/2014 14:13

I know no-one that has done it, and I think it would be kind of mad to be honest.

Even if it clearly isn't your motivation, it is true that your ex would have a financial obligation to any other children that he fathered with you. I can't really understand why anyone would be up for that just because their ex wanted another baby? It would be all very messy.

It would also be extremely sad for the child. Once child conceived in love, and another, what? As a favour?

I don't think you need to have the same genetic code as someone for them to be a sibling. Some of the closest siblings I know are either half siblings or one of them is flat out adopted. What makes people siblings is their upbringing, not where the sperm came from...

Overall I think it would be very messy and complicated. He might consider it a favour. You might resent him for not showing more interest in a child that he never really wanted anyway.

I think there is a reason why people don't do this.

sweetlilacsinspring · 19/06/2014 15:12

I agree that a sibling is determined through upbringing not by sperm or eggs.

However, I do disagree it would be sad for the child. Does it really make a difference to children how they came about - IVF, long night of passionate love making, drunken one night stand, trying to conceive, happy accident - what matters is the response of the parents to the child once he or she does exist.

If the OP believes her ex will be a capable and loving dad, I just can't see the harm.

Original poster

HeyBungalowBill · 19/06/2014 15:23

My original thought was that the ex would also want the child and the baby would be raised by both parents like the first child to make that clear, I don't understand why people keep feeling sorry for the dad in this situation like he would suffer.

The idea is both of them want a second child for example so decide to have a baby together as they are both good parents to the child they already have and get on well as friends despite ending their relationship in the past

OP posts:

sweetlilacsinspring · 19/06/2014 15:45

Exactly, Bill - it's not as if the OP is suggesting tempting the ex into bed then booting him out of the children's lives as soon as she gets a BFP - apart from demanding money of course!

She's proposing co parenting as far as I can see.

2LittleFishes · 19/06/2014 15:45

I'd do this! My childrens dad is a brilliant father and if I wanted another baby and had no interest in a relationship with a new partner I'd definitely rather him than a sperm donor.

I do think using a sperm donor, when existing child/ren have such a good relationship with their dad, would be noticed for the future child who obviously wouldn't know their father. Imagine being that child, of a weekend/holiday, when your sibling gets time with their daddy and you get left behind.

mammadiggingdeep · 19/06/2014 16:08

I know somebody having a baby with their ex. They split during ivf but gave it a last attempt anyway as she is nearly 40 and he's 45. They fell on the last attempt and are going to co parent as friends

sonjadog · 19/06/2014 17:54

I have a friend who has done this. He and his ex have worked it out fine but it has been hard at times. I'm sure he'd say it was worth it.

MeganBacon · 19/06/2014 18:02

I kind of did it. We deliberately got pg knowing we wouldn't be together. I've never regretted it for a second and I'm sure ex hasn't either, our ds is much loved and happy. It's obviously not ideal but you only contemplate this sort of thing when your other options seem even worse, donor sperm for instance (although I know that also works well for some people). I just want you to know that it can work if you are determined to make it work.

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