Maintaining the status quo

[LimboLimbo]

Hi,

NC for this.

My husband and I have been married for over 20 years and have two sons. We stopped having a 'proper' relationship 18 months ago. We had gone through a long period of counselling and he felt in the end that he just couldn't cope with trying to make things work any longer. He 'broke up' with me, but not properly. We don't sleep in the same bed (he works away four nights a week anyway), don't do dates or Valentines or weekends away without the kids, but we do still live in the family home, have time with the four of us, see joint friends together. He is a genuinely lovely man and our kids are v.happy.

However, he had bad news last week and I felt completely unable to comfort him other than talk to him about it (in a stilted fashion). This really brought home to me the fact that if we continue as we are then we will probably have to get through any tough times to come pretty much alone.

I want to know how he feels about this. Should we try getting back together properly? Should we part amicably? But I am scared of rocking the boat. Things are okay. They are not brilliant but they are okay.

Any advice, wise Mumsnetters?

Why did you both embark on counselling initially?. Do you feel the issues were fully addressed and resolved. On that last point it does not seem like it at all. If he has broken up with you why has he not left?.

Why are you both really still together now; for your sons (I sincerely hope they are not being used as glue here to bind you together), out of habit or a perceived "fear" of being alone to name but three of possibly many reasons?. Rocking the boat may well ultimately have to be done.

If this marriage is in such a generally parlous state why has it been allowed to rumble on to get to this low point 18 months later?. Both of you need to look at your own selves here.

What if he or you were to meet someone else?. That could all too easily happen and he certainly has more opportunity given that he is away from home 4 nights a week. What if he starts talking about his bad news or problems to another woman?. What if you received bad news yourself, you could not readily go to him or perhaps would even want to talk to him.

What do you think your sons think of the two of you; you would like to think that they are happy and on some level they probably are but they likely know far more about your marital problems than you care to realise. They see your unhappiness even if unspoken and pick up on all the vibes, know that you are hardly ever together anyway and probably wonder of you why you are still married to him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here and what are they learning from the two of you now. Is this really what you want to teach your sons about relationships because you're currently showing them that this is acceptable to you on some level.

We went to counselling because the serious illness of one child and the death of my father led to us drawing apart rather than closer together. I had closed down emotionally and was holding him at arms' length. I think that the counselling helped us to talk through why we had become distant but didn't get us on track to be much different with one another.

We are both 'people pleasers' and hate to upset anyone, which is why I think things have gone on like this for as long as they have. I had two bits of very bad news over the past few months combined with a lot of work pressure and I have to say that I was almost knocked sideways. Not having anyone to provide a safe haven from life was a lonely experience. But my husband hasn't done that for many years.

I know that he has ample opportunity to meet someone else and also that it puts the current arrangement on shaky ground. That makes me feel secure.

I agree that we are setting the children a bad example on how to conduct a healthy adult relationship (although if you could see them I think that you would agree that they are genuinely happy). However, every time I open my mouth to set off a discussion I clamp it shut again