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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your dh had been shagging around for 30 years would you want to know?

28 replies

gotthearse · 18/06/2014 18:28

Long tale that I won't recount in full for fear of exposure. DH has found out FIL is a serial cheat, in a really big way. He's devastated - FIL has always been his hero, and now he has no idea who he is. DH feels very strongly that he wont lie/cover up etc but can't bear to break MILs heart. It's all such a mess, and he's stressing about the devastation that will ensue, or that MIL will hate him for exposing the whole sorry mess. Likely that MIL has no clue, FIL's job gives him a lot of opportunity to get away with it.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 18/06/2014 18:38

After 30 years I would be very surprised if she didnt know, or at least didnt have an inkling and decided to turn a blind eye.

I would suggest that he speaks to his father about it, but doesnt speak to his mum unless she asks so he isnt lying or covering up but isnt instigating a situation that perhaps the MIL has been avoiding for years i.e. facing her husbands cheating.

adaorarda · 18/06/2014 18:42

i think dh needs to talk to his dad, at the very most. there is nothing to be gained by him sticking his beak into his parents' marriage.

after 30 years, dh's dm either knows, or doesn't want to know. he should leave them be and focus on dealing with his own feelings imo.

Pheonixisrising · 18/06/2014 18:43

i bet she does know

if it were me , i wouldn't want anybody to tell me that after 30 years

it would make it 'real' if that makes sense

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 18/06/2014 18:45

She knows. Has always known.

She might collapse at son knowing.

Be kind

GinAndToast · 18/06/2014 18:45

No, I wouldn't tell.

By all means, he can talk to his father but not his mother.

Original poster
gotthearse · 18/06/2014 19:07

My head and my heart tells me that they should say nothing cos everything will never be the same again. Trouble is DH and BIL are completely raging & MIL will smell a rat. DH got thru one meeting pretending all was well but it killed him, days getting over it, he's just so anguished. Made worse by FIL not being contrite but going nuts that they have discussed it. They find the lack of respect unbearable, she gave up everything for him to have the career that he did. I have wondered if she just knows a little bit but not the whole thing, it's so gob smackingly bad.

OP posts:
kaykayblue · 18/06/2014 19:26

Or maybe this poor woman has no idea? Plenty of women on here have been completely duped for long periods of time. If his work gives him opportunity, and he always seems like such an amazing guy otherwise?

I would say to him that he is doing his mum a discredit by not telling her. If she has the information then she can make an informed choice of what to do. If no-one tells her, then she is having a choice forced on her. Imagine she found out and knew that her son had known for a while. How utterly humiliating would that be to find out third hand?

firesidechat · 18/06/2014 19:34

I have two adult children. If they knew something like this and didn't discuss it with me I would be devastated and I can't believe that this can be kept secret now that your husband and his brother know.

She may or may not already know something, but for the rest of the family to be aware of such an awful thing and your mil to be kept in the dark is unthinkable.

wigglylines · 18/06/2014 19:35

I would want to know.

wigglylines · 18/06/2014 19:36

"for the rest of the family to be aware of such an awful thing and your mil to be kept in the dark is unthinkable."

^^ This.

Original poster
gotthearse · 18/06/2014 19:57

Yes I had an unhappy relationship from 18-20 and found out ex boyfriend was cheating. I was devastated, but stayed with him - at the time I didn't want to know. I was depressed and had very low self esteem. After I found out, though I stayed with him, I spent the next 9 months getting over him. When it all ended I didn't feel sad but relieved. When I think of the humiliation it still smarts. If I hadn't found out its feasible that I would still be with him and not my wonderful, kind DH who is an amazing Dad. But I was 20 and had nothing to lose so finding out proved to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. I'm very worried how MIL would cope with a separation in her 60's, she's never had another partner as far as I know. I have wondered for a little while if they have grown apart, they bicker a lot, but none of us saw this coming in any way shape or form. Them being rock solid is something that everyone has always taken for granted.

OP posts:
foadmn · 18/06/2014 20:15

Its horrible and I can't give any advice.

I know someone who was faithful to his wife for the first thirty years, but for the last eight has been shagging around like a true bastard - half a dozen regular mistresses and hundreds of random women for sex, some younger than his daughters. I know because he told me when he asked me to be with him and promised to be faithful. I was the second 'serious' women in his life other than his wife, there have probably been more since then.

I don't think his wife wants or needs to know - why break her heart? What's to gain? But some people would say that she deserves the dignity of knowing who her husband really is. Same for your MIL. Its going to destroy her but the alternative is to collude with him and keep her in the dark.

foadmn · 18/06/2014 20:16

'women' line six read 'woman' and forgive typo please. emotive subject for me. that's why I never shut up about it.

ladyblablah · 18/06/2014 20:21

If I were your DH I would without doubt speak to my DM about it.
Not in a judgemental, critical, LTB way, but with my genuine sadness and grief at the discovery of who my df really is.

It's not easy to sweep something so dramatic under the carpet. It leaves a lump.

Bogeyface · 18/06/2014 20:31

How did they find out? Could the MIL find out (or have found out) the same way?

Cabrinha · 18/06/2014 20:34

I don't think you need to wade in with the full 30 years. She should know he has cheated, but it can start with current day.
I'd tell her that he's cheated, and you think it's not the first time. If she does suspect, that saves her having to confront the full 30 years. But - I think it's better she knows the truth.
What if she leaves (or stays?) think that two people let a marriage go stale? When he's the arsehole.

InTheNorth123 · 18/06/2014 20:50

I think she deserves to know. Imagine if she found out at a later date and knew you all knew before her and said nothing. I'd not tell her the full extent to start with (maybe never) but she deserves to know the truth.

LuluJakey1 · 18/06/2014 20:50

My Uncle's wife is the middle one of 3 sisters. When she was 47, she got a letter telling her that her 78 year old father who had recently died had a wife and 4 other children the same sort of ages 150 miles away in Lancashire. He was 'married' to both women. Both thought they were the only wife. The one in Lancashire thought he had semi- left her when he retired. The one in Northumberland thought he had an old friend from work in Lancashire. There were letters and a sort of confession in his will.

He had been a 'travelling salesman'. The two families have never met and don't keep in touch. The mothers are both dead now and the children are in their 70s. It caused devastation - my aunt is so ashamed it can never be mentioned. Her mother was humiliated- it turned out some of her husband's family did know and after he died they told other people locally and she was so embarrassed.

Astonishing double life.

Hulababy · 18/06/2014 20:54

"for the rest of the family to be aware of such an awful thing and your mil to be kept in the dark is unthinkable."

This.

Once people know it is only fair to tell her, however hard.
The anguish your Dh and his sibling(s) will go through in her presence otherwise will be awful and it will eventually come out as a result of a joint meeting at some point.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 18/06/2014 20:56

I worked with a colleague who found out her father had been writing to Lonely Hearts in the newspapers and having relationships outsdide of his marriage for years.

She told her mum and they acted on it, and supported her through the breakup. He moved out, she moved on with her life. She now has a wonderful supportive partner and a great relationship.

60 is not an age to be written off, people can still have 20 - 25 years of meaningful enriching relationships.

He frittered his money away on meaningless relationships with younger women who enjoyed him showering them with money. He now lives in a bedsit on his pension. Daughter and son cut him off completely.

Perhaps your MIL has kept it all a secret because your FIL was revered as a hero that much that she didn't want to wreck her DS' rose tinted view. Just like single mothers who still stand up for deadbeat dads?

Shodan · 18/06/2014 21:05

The thing is, now it's 'out', so to speak, there is going to be devastation no matter what route your DH takes.

If he doesn't say anything to his mum, she'll probably worry herself sick that there's something wrong, because he won't be able to act 'normally' around his parents.

I think, on balance, your DH should talk to his mum, and promise to support her no matter what decision she makes. It may be, as pps have said, that she does know what's been going on, and has chosen to ignore it for the sake of the status quo. She might choose to stick with your FIL despite his behaviour.

I do feel for you all. It's a horrible decision to make.

Original poster
gotthearse · 18/06/2014 21:21

Yes it does kinda feel like the dye is cast now. Came out as FIL misjudged someone totally and thought he'd get a slap on the back for his exploits. Drink had been taken. I am going to show this thread to DH, I think it might organise his thoughts. Ramifications are huge tho. It's going to knock on to other friends and family. ThanksThanks to everyone x

OP posts:
MrsSmithers · 18/06/2014 21:36

I wouldn't assume that your MIL knows and is turning a blind eye. I was 'duped' by exH for several years and I can see how easy it would be for your FIL to have flings over 30 years without your MIL knowing.

I also think she should be told about recent fling(s) and let the 30 year part unfold by itself. If she doesn't know, she'll be devastated that the life she thought she had wasn't the life she actually had.

It's a very difficult situation for your DH but he can't keep something like this from his mum. If she finds out in the future that he knew, she might feel betrayed by him too?

IrianofWay · 18/06/2014 21:40

Oh Lordy! Cat is, however, out of the bag already and pushing it back in is impossible, and keeping it hidden and quiet will be hard Sad

Good luck with the decision x

wigglylines · 18/06/2014 21:47

MIL is in her 60s not a frail old lady in her 90s!

I'm 20 years off 60. I would certainly hope I'm not treated like a little old lady when I'm 60.

How would you feel if she found out you'd known for 20 years when she was in her 80s, and denied her the chance to get out while she could? She only has one life, and the one she's living now is a lie.

Please, treat her like an adult and let her make her own decisions about how she wants to live her life.