Help me sort my attitude because it sure as hell isn't making me happy!

[AngelsInWinter]

I've kind of posted about this stuff before. But it's really hit home today.

DP was phoned last minute and asked to work away.

I felt happy, content... Even excited. He's been off work for a couple of weeks and as much as I love him I've craved my own space! Now he's gone I can chill with the kids, get my routine back, have the bed all to myself, maybe order a takeaway and scoff it all to myself, etc etc.

Yet if he was gone for exactly the same amount of time, but with friends instead, I'd have been fuming, upset, resentful, wouldn't be able to relax and would probably throw in a few passive aggressive comments too.

Wtf! I know I need to sort this out. It's not fair on him, and I end up feeling like shit. I just have a huge sense of dread if he goes out socially/getting drunk or whatever. If I don't come back to this thread it's because I'm feeling pretty shameful abut this right now!

Why a sense of dread? Is he a nasty drunk? Or are you resentful of him going out without you?

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel resentful if your partner goes off having playtime, leaving you to be the grown-up. Or at least slightly miffed, if you do in fact have equal playtime but just would have liked a bit more for yourself!

Going away for work isn't the same thing, you're both doing grown-up stuff.

Yes, the question is do you have roughly equal free time and going out/away opportunities?

I'm always happy for DH to be away a few days and like the time to myself. It's take a lot of years of marriage for me to be equally content whether it's work or play. He is very supportive of me having time away and also happy to fund it which always helps.

So only you can know if you have an attitude problem but worth considering the above.

How often does he go out socially/get drunk?

Do you get equal time to do as you please?

If he's getting a lot more than his share it's not at all unreasonable to be put out about it. Why dread though?

Wtf! I know I need to sort this out. It's not fair on him, and I end up feeling like shit.

You love him but you are happy to see the back of him for a while, but had he been away on a mates' break or suchlike you'd be annoyed.

I don't know but my most irrational crossest times ie with no real foundation regarding DH came the day before he proposed and the days before I did pregnancy tests. Something in the air?

My husband works away a lot - every week in fact. The reality of HIS life is pretty miserable - he lives in a travelodge room 4 nights a week and basically has to live on sandwiches because we pay his travel costs.
When he's home, it is very rare that he wants to go out alone - i'm lucky in that he wants to spend most of his time with me, although he does probably disappear some weekends for an hour or two's fishing, usually before i get up.
In fact, it used to be him that gets a tad jealous when i go out at the weekends. Actually, i wouldn't call it jealousy. It's just the way he sees it, if i go out partying, get in at 3am on Sunday morning and am asleep most of the day, he's barely seen me before he goes back to work. So not really jealousy but i know it upsets him on the rare occasion it happens, even if he doesn't say so. Most of the time, though, we went out together - our kids are older so its easier.
I suppose what i am saying is that these are perfectly normal emotions to have. You understand that he HAS to go to work away occasionally, but socialising separately - and with you excluded - is optional.
I do think it is difficult, as married couples, to maintain the same friendships you had before. My hubby has been far more understanding since his father died, and he realised that his mum, 13 years his father's junior, had nobody; they had spent every free moment together. Since then, he's been actively pushing me to go out and regularly talks about life after him. Which is a little irritating: he's 42!

Definitely not pregnant!

We do get equal social time, but never used to. This is the first time in our relationship I haven't been pregnant/breastfeeding. All through that time he was a party animal. Yes he was only 19-22, but it hurt. I think that's where the sense of dread comes from. He's not a nasty drunk, just useless and sleepy. He rarely goes out now, and never organises anything - it's always someone else who invites him.

But why dread? Or are you harbouring a grudge?

I think if you still resent him going out even though you now both get equal downtime, then you ARE harbouring a grudge and you have to get over that or it will continue to eat away at what you have.

So he partied all the while you were pregnant/breastfeeding? I'm not really surprised that left you upset. Being 19-22 doesn't have much to do with it...he was a father with a family to care for. Did he just go out and leave you to it, or have I misunderstood?

Are you a jealous person in the sense that you don't like him going out incase he cops off with another woman?

Perhaps a bit grudgey, yes - but how do I stop?

Wyrdy - yes, in a fashion. He went out quite regularly and NEVER just for a drink or two. Every time coming back unable to walk/throwing up/pissing himself etc.

Vito - no not worried about other women

That must have been an annoying, upsetting situation to deal with. To have him go out while you're pregnant, or caring for little ones, then regularly return drunk and incapable.

It's extremely irresponsible to do that repeatedly,and must surely have left you tense and resentful.

So I would guess you're reminded of that time when he goes out now.

I don't think you can simply paint a smile on and get rid of your attitude. Have you ever talked about that period in your relationship?

He has changed a lot now (touch wood) and I don't want to appear controlling (even though I am a bit of a control freak). So I always aim to paint on a smile and tell him to have a good night. I find it really hard though and always get annoyed at him at some point; usually when he's sleeping it off the next day.

We have talked many times about it. He fully admits he was a twat of the highest order and as I mentioned he has changed for the better. So I don't know why I can't just relax when he goes out.

So he still gets so drunk he has to sleep it off the next day, even now? How often does he do that? And how late does he sleep?

How often do you go out, and does he do all the childcare the following day after you have a night out?

He rarely does it now. Every few months. I force him out of bed but he'd probably happily sleep all day. However he's like that with or without a drink!

I used to go out about once a year due to social anxiety (!), however the past few months I've been out loads.

However Im naturally an early riser and never feel the need to lay in. But if I'm sick/tired/hungover etc then yes he will look after the DC.

I have heard it said our brains are wired for fear, ie emotionally-intense memories are long-lasting and powerful. Those times when you were pregnant the anxiety brought on by DP being out and coming home bladdered was intense.

Ever since, when he is off for the evening, you recall those bad memories. You've talked about it, he knows he was a twat, he won't do it again, but you worry, though it apparently defies logic.

Next time try and say to yourself,

*Does your worry match reality? no.
*That sense of dread feels convincing, but it’s only a feeling. Feelings pass.

Wow, Donkeys, that's exactly right. It doesn't help that I have an incredible memory so the bad feelings are heightened even more.

I will try to use those techniques next time, thank you.

One thing I'm always thinking is "how dare he go and have a good time and leave me alone with the kids" or "he's doing it in purpose to upset me". But obviously the world does not revolve around me so technically this is all bullshit, yet it still feels very real to me.

My partner before DP played mind games, was jealous and controlling etc, and everything he did was for a reaction/to upset me. Ie he would go on a night out then go on and on about how good it was and how many girls chatted him up.

Current DP (well, we've been together 4 years) is nothing like this but the past must be affecting me still.