The silent treatment...

[NotACinderella]

Your opinions pls.

Oh gawd.

Mine and dh's arguments usually follow the pattern of me nagging, crying, shouting, talking calmly, asking nicely or just plain old hitting the roof. He rarely talks back. It's then me who has to calm down (and often he gets a cold shoulder rather than full-on silent treatment) and have the make-up talk whereby I often reiterate what is been cross about, he says sorry, I say sorry for getting cross and we move on.

He's been getting the cold shoulder since Saturday now, longest ever time I've stayed cross with him in 12 years. But because I'm cross over the same old thing which is actually, in my mind, getting worse, I simply don't have it in me at the mo (36w pg) to get past it. Something needs to change and he needs to know I'm serious.

I suspect in going about it in all the wrong way but I'm at a complete loss of how to get through to him.

Please tell me cold shoulder isn't the same/as bad as silent treatment??

And much more to the point, I hope to god I'm not emotionally abusing him.

My ExH used to do the silent treatment. Sometimes I didn't even know I had upset him but would find out because all of a sudden it was as if he switched off. He wouldn't acknowledge me if I spoke to him, would refuse to eat his dinner, and generally act like I didn't exist.. Sometimes changing the tv channel when I was half way through a programme. If I really really pressed at him 'is something wrong?' He would say 'I'm tired' so if I pressed any harder I was a bitch who wouldn't let him relax....
He could keep it up for days and days, longest was 10 days at which point I left to my mums and he asked me why I had gone etc... He is Muslim and defended this bahaviour by saying that the Quran says 'if your wife is wrong towards you tell her off and if she is not apologetic then you ignore her'.
These periods usually drew to a close by me getting so upset that I would literally have no drive to do anything, I would cry and withdraw completely and this would annoy him so we end up having a huge row about how I was making things worse and everything was my fault and I had forced him into this behaviour. He hadn't wanted to do, I had physically made him.

I look back and think wtaf?? How can anyone think this is acceptable?? I will ever let anyone treat me that way again. It's inhuman.

XH didn't like confrontation. If he did something to upset me, I couldn't discuss it without getting upset, so ended up not talking. He would respond to that by not talking to me. The longest we went was three days then it took me to say something before it was sorted out. He didn't know what to say so said nothing, I couldn't speak. Neither of us was mentally abusive.

Since Avignon counselling after he left, I now try and confront everything head on but it's still not easy.

since having...

waffle I do apologise and work on my bit- I am always the one who backs down/ the peace keeper.

I think the silent treatment can be very hurtful without the silent person meaning it to. For me it feels like punishment not confrontation avoidance (which is probably its intention) which is why it is so destructive in our relationship. It doesn't help that we rarely see each other due to shift work. Still we try.

I'm currently giving my OH the silent treatment and I have no idea why. I answer him if he talks to me, but I'm stuck inside my own head. This is the second day. I'm looking for reasons. I don't usually go into myself so it's a bit odd...

I hate it, personally, though.

I've always been prone to sulking as I child. I am sure it comes from my personality but also from my parents never wanting to discuss thing and avoid confrontation at all costs: strong emotions were a no no. Retreat into yourself and blanking everyone else was the only possible solution, I felt.

I am carrying this attitude with dh, who not surprisingly is similar to them (you choose what you know) but not to the dc as I worked so hard on myself to change that. I thought I worked hard with dh too but who knows, maybe I did maybe I didn't.

I agree it is awful to be at the receiving end. I wish with all my heart that I did not have to resort to that.