Did your parents have an amicable split?

[RollerCola]

I'm looking for some views of people whose parents separated when they were younger and how it affected you. In particular those whose parents managed to keep their split fairly amicable.

My exh and I separated almost a year ago and are both working very hard to keep things as amicable as possible for our children's sakes. We've remained civil and reasonably friendly when the kids are around, and we're both doing our very best to put the children's needs first.

So far they seem ok, I know the eldest (12) in particular would like us to get back together but she seems to have accepted what's happened and they both seem happy enough.

However I cannot get over the feelings of guilt that we have somehow damaged them and their adult lives will be adversely affected by what's happened. I listen to everything I'm told about it being better for them to have 2 happy parents who live apart etc and it does all make sense. But I can't get it out of my head.

Is anyone actually ok about their parents separating and have gone on to have a good relationship with both? How about new partners?

I've managed to get through the worst part but this guilt is now eating me up. How can I move on?

My parents split as amicably as is possible too. I knew mum mum was frustrated with my dad every time he was late or stopped paying maintenance but she did try very hard to hide it. She encouraged us to have a good relationship with him and protected us as much as possible from the adult side of things.

I'm not damaged by it. I think I may have had a better model for relationships if my dad wasn't so rubbish at arranging to come and see me. I think there must have been some unconscious feeling that he wasn't bothered/I wasn't worth it, but then if my parents had stayed together he may still have been preoccupied with other stuff.

I have as good a relationship as possible with both parents now. Mum is hugely overprotective and probably narcissistic (and would have been whether they divorced or not), dad has Alzheimer's so that's changed how we are but I love them both. New partners, I get on with my stepdad but there isn't any closeness there. He's quite selfish. My dads now ex girlfriend was vile but it didn't change how I felt about my dad. I just ignored her.

And for a happy ending, I'm not yet 30, very happily married with my own children and another on the way. I'm training to do the job I love and have unpicked some of the painful memories in therapy so they don't continue to have an impact in the future.

I'm pretty sure now, after a year of being separated, that exh and I will go on to be the sort of amicable parents many of you describe here. If we hadn't had children I would have distanced myself from him as I actually find it quite painful to see him, but for their sakes I feel I owe it to them to remain civil and fairly friendly to him.

In fairness to him, despite being miserable, moody, nasty etc when he lived with us, he's stepped right up and is now taking his parenting role seriously. He consults me on most things to do with the kids and is civil back to me. I think that if we can do this now after just a year, without emotions getting the better of us, then we'll be ok to keep it up in the future and hopefully the kids will be ok.

But despite my sensible side telling me we've done the right thing I'm still struggling with guilt. I really am - I can't get past it . Not sure what to do.

My parents split (fairly amicably, more kind of politely icy) when I was 15 and my sister 11. We both had a hard time with it and both paid for it in our early 20s, BUT it wasn't the split itself that caused the problems. My sister had PTSD, mostly from dealing with my mother's withdrawal, severe depression and sadness as a result of the split and not being emotionally available for several years afterwards. I ended up taking on a huge amount of responsibility for taking care of both parents and my sister and ended up with depression myself by my late teens. Christmas and birthdays were sad experiences for years.

What would have helped us: my father being able at the time to be a positive, present parent and actively helping with the fall out. He had virtually no contact for a year after the split, that really didn't help. Two parents who were emotionally present and able to parent would have made a big difference, and later my father's new childless partner provided better parenting by doing this than my parents put together and helped enormously. My poor mother having felt able to seek help and support straight away to help her with her stress so that it didn't impact on my sister, who was a child and just absorbed everything from her. New, strong and positive traditions about things like Christmas instead of trying to carry on the old models with a hole where Dad should be, and everyone in tears all the time. Active involvement of a counselor for my sister as soon as she began to struggle and show changed behaviour instead of total denial until she paid for a therapist herself as an adult. Everyone being able to be up front and honest about being sad, about change being hard to handle, and it being ok to talk about. LOTS of reassurance that it was not our fault. At fifteen, stupidly, I still had that gut belief even though cognitively I knew it wasn't. Encouragement to have a good relationship between siblings and to gain support from each other. We muddled through and worked it out ourselves but parental help and support to do it would have helped a lot.

The plus of the split? Individual relationships with both our parents of a quality I don't think we could have had if they'd remained a couple. That to me is the one huge compensation for their divorce.

Bottom line for me if it's any help to you at all - neither my sister nor I blame either parent in the least. The split was not either of their faults, it was a sad situation for both of them, and they both did the best they were able to in the circumstances. Being part of a family means you all take the rough with the smooth together, there were hard times and it affected us, but we all got through it and have strong, good relationships with each other. My sister and I have both gone on to have good relationships and careers, it wasn't nice for any of us but it was transitory, not lasting damage.

This is a view from the other side. I split with my exw when my kids were nine, (24 now) we kept our split very amicable, we even spent the 1st two Christmas days together after our split. I never criticised my exw in front of them or tried to pry into her life by using them as my source of info. My boys have grown up to be really nice well balanced young men. Both got degrees at uni. They never gave us any teenage problems or angst. My ex was not particularly sociable and they seem to have that trait, whereas I have a good circle of friends and am always out, so that is my only "regret" that my influence may have changed that particular aspect of their personalities. But I think it helped them to cope with us not fighting etc