Can someone from an emotionally distant family be close with their kids?

[vincettenoir]

My bf is from a very reserved middle class family. Parents were boarders and are emotionally distant. He calls them once every 3 weeks. They literally never call him and he sees them about 3 times a year. Maybe more some years but my bf or his brother always instigate the meet ups. Never his parents. They don't really open up or show emotion around each other. Bf opens up a lot more with me but he doesn't exactly wear his heart on his sleeve. He is a bloke afterall.

This has never sat well with me and I have sometimes wondered what this might mean for our family if we have one.

Anyway has anyone got experience of this? If someone is from a very emotionally closed family what does that mean for their family?

My partner is definately out of touch with his emotional side, and I blame his family upbringing for this. It's all very polite when they are together, but I see no real affection nor discussion about emotional stuff. I hadn't really noticed this prior to having children, we were only together a full year befor I became pregnant. Anyway, he has proven a very loving father to both our children, is affectionate and loving. I think he wishes to give to them what he never received as a child. The only negative is that he has withdrawn loving and affectionate behaviour from me! He first said years ago that he didn't have the energy for our children and me, and as they were young I was preoccupied with them and work. But as the years have progressed it has paid its toll. We have had counselling and I think he now recognises there are issues. We are working very hard to address them, but for several years I didn't have much hope.
My partner is very unique I have no doubt, and I wouldn't use our example as an indicator of how things might pan out for you. I would just ensure you keep a eye on your relationship as well as your children, should you decide to have them!

In short, yes they can.

Have some personal experience of this like Millie.

I think a lot depends on ...

1.) Whether they have recognised the emotional distance in their past
2.) If they have decided that they want something different - they may prefer the level of emotional independence in their past/rebel against it
3.) If they feel they can to be more intimate with you - by the nature of the relationship/trust you have built together
4.) How much energy/motivation it takes to do something different to their upbringing
5.) How you feel about putting your own needs aside
6.) How balanced your relationship is - by nature of the amounts of emotional effort you both put in.
7.) How tolerant you are of each others differences.
8.) Whether your bf's capacity for intimacy has been blunted by his upbringing - he may have a limit on what he can give.

In my experience; having children puts more stress on you and will generally test any grey areas in your relationship. It is also a time when you look back at your respective upbringings and decide how to raise your 'newbie' together. If you worry about your relationship - coming up with plans to remedy is better/easier before babies arrive.

Having a relationship with your partner is different to the one you have with your children - which is more unconditional. He may be great with the kids by struggle after they are in bed because he is emotionally knackered. You may also need to think what would happen if your bf finds it hard to show your kids affection - will you pick up all the slack?

How does your bf show you that he supports you at the moment?

When you have your own children the bond that you build is extremely personal and comes from you as an individual. Your family just aren't involved in that process, it truly comes from the heart.

But having a good family connection, having grandparents that care for your children, look out for them, aunts and uncles and cousins is an extremely important part of a child's life as they grow up and is something most people don't think about in the early days of a relationsip.

In the long term you will have to go to weddings, funerals, care for sick people, have them care for your children perhaps, through the birth of your child you are always linked with your partner's family so you need to have a vision of the future in mind and think of how you will manage that.

If it is a difficult family you can simply keep away or a separation from them might happen naturally, it doesn't always need to cause a conflict but it does leave a fairly gaping hole in the child's life.

If your own family is strong the partner's family can fade into insignificance and be left alone but your DP needs to be very realistic about how his family are and never let it become a problem to you in your relationship.

My brother got married a few years a go and now has two kids but he was and still is very distant from his own family, as in bro, sis, mother, father, he grew up without them most of the time so he doesn't feel the need to be close with them other than money matters. He has kept it very one way without a two way conversation and that satisfies quiet well to this day he has trouble with his mother and she is now blind and can't see very well. The only relationship he maintains with her is sending money on a monthly basis other than that there is a phone call or two to see if the money has reached. Now she is having problems with everyday cleaning and keeping the house clean and tidy, he seems to rely on charity help to keep her going that way and that is when it is available and that too very limited. He seems to be quiet with his wife and children so we don't know how he is maintain a emotionally close or distant relationship, since his previous relationships were so distant the new relationships are bound to be distant as well and my heart goes out for the young ones who are so tiny and small kiss

Yes. My family is extremely emotionally distant and I boarded from the age of 10, but I am (I think) very close to my children. I'm naturally very affectionate, but this need was never met by my parents. With my children I have never had any problems being affectionate towards them. As unreal housewife says: When you have your own children the bond that you build is extremely personal and comes from you as an individual. Your family just aren't involved in that process, it truly comes from the heart.

I do have problems with adult relationships though.

Of course you can. You don't get more physically and emotionally distanced from family than being removed from their care by SS at months old but I have a fantastic close relationship with mine. I think moreso because I didn't have it growing up so I want it more for our family.