Would this upset you? Sorry it is long.

[highlighta]

I need to get something off my chest and I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

My dh has a very stressful job and travels a lot. I try to be as supportive as I can, I don't whinge and moan and life carries on as normal as possible while he is gone for the dc's sake.

There have been many birthdays, and special days that he has spent away. So with it being Fathers Day on Sunday , we went out for a lovely breakfast and when we got back we put together the meal to go in oven to cook slow for supper. Dd wasn't well that day, so I said that I would go lie down with her to help her get to sleep. About 1pm DH came in to tell me he was popping out to get his car washed. I said ok see him in a short while.

So about 4pm he still wasn't back, so I send message. He says in the pub with some people he met, having a laugh with them. I say dd is awake and both dc are asking where he is. He says will be leaving now. I ask him to check the mail from our post box which is right next to where we was on way home. About 30 mins later I get another message saying that he doesn't have the key but is going to another pub for one more drink.

He arrived back home at 6pm while I was serving up the supper for the dc.

I told him I though he was completely unreasonable and wanted to know what the reason was that he obviously didn't want to come home and especially on Fathers Day. He couldn't see what the problem was and said that he just wanted to get out and was having fun and met these amazing people. I am so beyond upset about this, firstly as he still hasn't answered my question about why he didn't want to spend the day with us. I am embarrassed to say that this morning I snooped on his phone, I thought I saw a suspicious message but then I was even more embarrassed as it was nothing in the end. He knows I snooped now and its not me, I am not this person that feels the need to do that.

We had a big argument this morning and I just don't know what to think. He phoned me earlier but was icy cold to speak to.

I think the part that hurts the most is that he knows I am upset about Sunday, I haven't held a conversation with him since then, and not once has he brought it up, asked me whats wrong or anything like that.

I don't know if I am being needy, unreasonable or am I right in feeling so very hurt about this. Married for 15 years so not a new relationship.

He was selfish and rude on father's day and now he's using your misdemeanor with the phone checking, to make it your fault. Not good enough.

You are not being needy or unreasonable. He sounds like a total arse. It does sound like he had always planned to go out, and the carwash was just an excuse. Was this a one off or is has he been behaving like this fo a while?

I'd have suspicious too.
Does he often get his car washed on a special Sunday?
He has some serious apologising to do.
He certainly wouldn't be getting any cooking or washing done until he had stepped up if he was my OH.
You have every right to be upset.

I would be upset by this too. It sounds like he is taking you for granted.

Who on earth makes new friends at the car wash and then goes to the pub all day with them??

Mind boggles...

How inconsiderate and unnecessary to go AWOL. You'd all spent a nice time out having breakfast and it could have looked as though DD might not be up to much for the rest of the day but why go to such lengths to stay away with strangers (and drink driving?) while everyone else is at home?

Any other quirky behaviour?

just bizarre imo.

would pee me off yes, but the whole thing stinks storywise and his guilt is being transferred on to you.

This is a man who is away from home a lot so is used to his freedom and the children just being there every time he comes back. Whilst you were wrong to snoop down his phone you are just justified in being upset about his disappearance. It was Fathers Day, so should have been a special day for them to spend with their father but it didn't turn out that way.
It's important that you try and explain to him how you feel, once you feel calm enough to do it without accusations. However, unless your children are tiny tots then I think that they should tell him how disappointed they felt that they had so little time with him.
The trouble is, these sort of things can build lasting resentments so hopefully you can both have a reasonable discussion about it and then move on. Fathers Day and suchlike are just commercial days forced upon us. The official Fathers Day was ruined so perhaps you can, together, arrange another special family day whereby you can all go out together and have some fun and enjoyable time together as a family.

Why was he driving after his miniature pub crawl? Was his car washed when he got back?

Just to clarify, the pub is next door to the carwash. We go there sometimes for a bite to eat or a quick drink, so I expected that maybe he would have one drink whilst waiting for the car.

Heyday I think you have hit the nail. He is away such a lot and does as he pleases whilst away, while I worry about the kids and house and work - he doesn't have any of that stress to deal with usually. Now I think about it, he probably went as dd was ill, there were things to do in the house and he didn't want to do any of that stuff. It much easier to sit in the pub having a laugh than deal with day to day stuff!

I know that Fathers Day is a commercial thing, we wasn't even here last year for it, but its just the fact that he was here and I wanted to have a nice day. I should also add that the presents we gave him were still untouched in the bag by yesterday afternoon. He didn't even try on the items that we bought him.

He called me a few minutes ago and asked how I was. I said I was upset and he said he was too. But we still wont get to discuss this tonight as he has dinner with clients. I just feel like I am coming to the end of my supportive wife duties. I know his job is stressful but Im tired of coming last all the time.

I don't see why he was icy cold and regardless of whether it was Father's Day or what it was another two hours between OP's first call and him rolling up. She has plenty of days looking after the DCs solo so not asking a lot to have Dad muck in.

However if you highlighta now feel it is water under the bridge don't continue to beat yourself up about checking his phone, assuming everything is hunky dory far as 'things on Sunday that weren't a good idea' you and DH are presumably quits.

What is he like normally about fitting back in with the family when he comes home?

He sounds quite cut off from you. Leaving those presents unlooked at sounds mean to the children.

Had you discussed how you would spend father's day? Had he said what he would like to do or did you say what would happen?

He may not be having or even seeking sex with other women, but he definitely considers you and his children objects, rather than people. He gets to play with you when he feels like it, and the idea that you might have feelings or needs or wishes simply doesn't matter to him. What are you getting out of this marriage apart from financial support?