My personality has wrecked my marriage

[canthisbefixed]

Dh and I are currently separated and we have our first counselling session tonight. Dh is the one who instigated the split but we have both been unhappy for a long time.

We have two dc (5 &7) and things haven't been good since they were born, and I suppose were far from perfect in some ways before that even - we were together 4 years before the planned arrival of dd1.

We do have happy family times but we exist as co-parents rather than husband and wife. Sex doesn't happen and hasn't for an embarrassingly long time. Before I met dh I had vaginismus and it has resurfaced since the traumatic birth of dd1, though we have recently had sex that I enjoyed (since talking about splitting .

Dh says that I am cold and have tried to push away his friends and family. We have no mutual friends and, although he insists his close family are fond of me, people we see less often have apparently said they are not going to try with me anymore as I am so reserved and distant . He has not said this in a nasty way, and they are nice people. They are right. I suffer with social anxiety that I have never really addressed, but I am so ashamed that these people just think I am rude. I have managed to overcome this in my profession, because I feel successful there, but put me in a social setting, and I go to pieces. His family must wonder how on earth I do my job, and, knowing that I do, and successfully, must be partly why they feel I am just rude.

Dh says I am just not interested in what he does or who he is and there is a huge gulf between us. He says I hide in my work and behind the children and there is certainly truth in this. Despite this, we have both said we want to try and save the marriage but I am sure that, in his case, this is just for the children. They are a big factor in my decision too, but I do love him, and have discovered this more since he has been talking about spitting.

I feel so deficient and a failure. We have, btw, talked about his short-comings too, and he has said we haven't been good for each other . He hasn't just been laying into me in a nasty way, though this is how this post reads, but I wanted to get advice about whether people think these particular issues can be addressed.

Most problems/issues can be addressed if you really want to try.

But do you want to? Social Anxiety can be difficult to treat, but its possible if you REALLY want to.

If you don't, then no, it's not treatable.

But you have to want it for you, not for him, I'm afraid. Otherwise you'll never have the strength to see it through.

But social anxiety is just one part of it, why have you withdrawn from him at home? If he says you're not interested in what he does, then there's more to it than just social anxiety.

You know that feeling deficient and a failure is all part of your anxiety, right?

It is great that your partner is admitting he's got problems too. It also sounds like he is not just being negative but trying to understand what is behind your behaviour, is that right? That sounds hopeful.

Sometimes it does take a proper crisis to face these things. Maybe this will be positive for you in the long run - it might be the chance you needed to finally get help and deal with your problems. Even if you don't manage to iron out all the wrinkles, simply looking at the problem and seeing what it is makes a huge difference; it will change something, you'll have to wait and see what.

Where there's a will there's a way but you say things haven't been good since the kids were born - 7 long years ago. Do you really want to persevere with this?

Social anxiety is a terrible thing to have but it can be overcome with professional help. Some people are just introverted though. Me and my dh differ in that respect but we are ok with it. I know it must seem hurtful that folks think of you as being rude but do try to make more of an effort to return their interest when having conversations etc.

Good look with it all

My ex had social anxiety and just the fact that I was able to tell everyone about it did help.

Have you sought professional help for it? CBT is usually recommended and did help him, I think.

What are his shortcomings, btw?
And has he supported you in any way, particularly in relation to his family and friends?