Dear Mum and Dad,
I think that you are owed some explanation for my withdrawal from you over the past year or so - I've held back because of all the stress with Grandma and I didn't feel that you needed any more 'heavy stuff'. However, it is probably better to give you some idea of what is going on, if only because I feel criticism and irritation being directed towards me and this is something that I can't handle any longer.
I'm sorry for not being the daughter that you wanted. I can't help being different and given the choice at the moment I think that I would definitely choose to be simple and uncomplicated. But maybe, in the long run being different and difficult will reap its own rewards. Only time will tell.
At the moment I am extremely tired with almost no strength or energy left - although I'm slightly better now that I was this time last year. The last twelve years or so have almost killed me and, as at the moment I'm two weeks overdue with my rent and have almost no money, it's obviously not over yet.
The main reason that I have become quiet is that a couple of years ago, DP asked me to marry him. I'm happy about this, the only proviso is that I have to be standing on my own two feet financially first (my proviso, it's one of my biggest struggles). (The children don't know about this yet). It was when I began thinking about a wedding party that I realised that I would have trouble inviting you to any celebration. That I didn't want you to be there.
This has really upset me - knocked me off balance. I don't want to hurt you, but at the same time it's important that I listen to my feelings.
When I mentioned this to DP he made the simple observation that somewhere along the line you must have hurt me very badly when I was small.
I know that I've never felt comfortable with either of you and that I've spent a lot of time pretending, doing and saying things in some attempt to please you - which is quite dishonest for my part, but it was something I learned to do when I was small and has become a habit. I've never felt that you liked me and felt that I had to try extra hard to please you.
Mum, I have to tell you that as a child your temper frightened me. I never knew where I was with you and it seemed that I could never please you. It was a case of walking on eggshells all the time. And it went on well into my adulthood. I'm not sure that you are aware of just how awful your temper was.
As a result, I can't trust you with my feelings. I can't trust you with me. I don't feel safe with you, even now. When DD was in her teens and being difficult, I never told you because I knew that the first thing you would say would be a reference to how difficult I had been. I've never felt able to come to you for support, ever.
I think that you have tried to make it up to me since - and I appreciate this, which makes me feel bad about writing all this now. Especially as you are tired with how Grandma is. But I don't think that you really understood where the awkwardness in the relationship came from, the fact that I don't feel safe with you.
Dad, you allowed so much competition, vicious teasing and negative put downs within the family that I really don't think that I have any happy memories at all. I can remember that you would say how when I was grown up I would live as far away from you as possible. This was probably because the teasing and the torment had gone so far that the only thing I could do was to distance myself - and then you still threw the torment at me with this remark.
The child that steals is not getting enough attention. What on earth had happened that I would write notes to Mum and put them under her pillow asking that she 'be nicer to me'? I can't remember. I'm sad that I have no happy childhood memories.
Unfortunately, all of these things have influenced how I am today - how could they not? - and must surely be behind the reason why I feel so uncomfortable with both of you. I've never felt safe with either of you - or appreciated, or enjoyed. For me it's a relationship full of stress and a stress that I can't handle at the moment.
I don't doubt that you had the best of intentions and I know that you are both kind people - and did, and still do, make a lot of effort to do the right thing. So, all of this is probably an unfortunate outcome that is probably the result of my being difficult, for which I apologise.
When DD was born I can remember having to think about whether I wanted you to have a relationship with her, and later with DS1 and DS2. I decided that I had no right to make that decision and that you could enjoy them and that they could enjoy you. Unlike you both - in the way that you always mocked and derided both of our Grandma's - I have never spoken negatively about either of you to any of the children. At Grandma's funeral I remember seeing (my cousin) cry and envied that he had been given permission to love his Grandmother. My children have permission to love you both.
And I'm grateful for all that you have done for them - it is all much appreciated.
This is why I have become quiet. I don't know what to do about a wedding celebration without hurting you. I'm tired of the pretence that permeates the relationship that we have and I'm unable to pretend any longer as it's stressful and dishonest on my part.
Maybe a bit of honesty will start the process of clearing things up and pave the way to a less fraught relationship . Maybe also you will feel less inclined to be critical of me.
I'm sorry, Skolastica