Have I done the right thing?

[ImASillyBilly]

For months it has been bothering me about the way the relationship between myself and DP is. It feels as though every time I mention I am unhappy, we go round in circles of an argument then him trying to make things right only for the same scenario to crop up again. He says there is no pleasing me and everything has kicked off again tonight, but I am sure many women would feel the same as me or is there really no pleasing me?!

We have only been together a few years and have a DC together under 1 year (he also has a DC from previous marriage). I stay at home with our DC whilst he goes to work I a high pressured environment with his job security under threat. However, I do everything around the home, shopping, cooking all meals, all the washing and ironing as well as getting up every single night and morning for our DC (weekends included). He only helped in the first week of paternity leave with the night feeds and early mornings. I can count of one hand how many times he has gave her solids (if I ask him too) and he hasn't gave her 1 x bath since she has been born! I feel like a single mum . I do all the nappy changes and battles at bedtime.

He feels he shouldn't have to because he works all day and I don't. But I do! I am on call 24/7 and I'm physically and mentally exhausted!!

He, on the other hand goes to the pub for an hour straight after work then over the weekends for 2-3 hours whilst I have our DC and occasionally his DC who can be quite stressful as always needs entertained etc.

I don't get time to see my friends. Anytime I have had something on (1 out of 3 months or so) it's met with grumbles, time will you be home etc? every argument it is thrown in my face that I don't understand how worried he is with work and debts (bad debt from previous marriage) and how I can't possibly understand. I try to understand and offer advice but I am made to feel so little and inadequate. I offered to go back to work in the evenings to prevent childcare costs bur he refuses to have our DC as he should get to 'relax' from working so hard.

But what about me? When do I get to relax?!

Weekends are spent fitting into his DCs schedule (they have a time consuming hobby) and I understand he may find it hard to juggle us all in but I just want to feel included or for the 4 of us to feel like a family instead of 2 and 2. I feel me and our DC are bottom of the pile after his DC and the pub.

We never have fun together. There is no conversation (he says that's my fault as much as his but we must be incompatible? I'm just so miserable all the time). A family member was up to help last week as I had a general anaesthetic and they were made to feel unwelcome whilst I was away. Whilst taking me home he asked if it was ok to go for a quick drink which led to another argument.

I feel mentally and physically exhausted. I feel bullied that I cannot leave him because of taking his DC away. I feel belittled, worthless and that I am on the verge of a mental breakdown.

With all of this going on I am still struggling with extreme pain from nerve damage after having DC last year (hence hospital last week) and literally feel like I cannot cope. If it wasn't for my DC, I don't think I would be here anymore

Sorry for such a long post. I feel like I'm stuck. Tonight he said some hurtful untrue things which he tried to take back just to be horrible to me. He has now stormed off to a hotel in a huff.

You poor thing. You sound worn down.

He sounds absolutely awful. He treats you like a slave and belittles you - is he mysoginistic in other ways, too?

What do you get out of being with him?

Can you imagine still being with him in ten years time? If so, how does that feel?

Just to add, it sounds like he might have a little alcohol problem too.

With so much anger and resentment it becomes very difficult to see the wood for the trees (as the saying goes) and almost every word said by both of you has probably become to be seen as an attack.
Yes, he deserves to have some relaxation time after work and to be happy and you need to have a break and time for yourself too. Sadly it sounds like there is a lot if resentment that has created a brick wall between you. Whilst you do not go out to work, it is very difficult often, for men to see that their partners 'job' has no start time and no end time but goes on and on, 24/7.
Somehow, you both need to sit down and talk and try to tell each other how you are both feeling, in a non confrontational way. Men, quite often, have a need to fix mentality. You have highlighted the problem, he has probably mumbled some solution and because it hasn't worked, he has retreated into his cave and is in denial.
Try and find yourself some decent support, perhaps through toddler groups and SureStart centres. This may be a great place to find new, supportive friendships which could make you feel more valued and less alone. How you will change your DP to listen and value you will not be easy to overcome but you may find that some support in the shape of other mums
May give you a little break from this cycle of negativity until you can find a clearer way forward in your life.

Men don't have a cave.

Some men are wankers who, when they can't have their own way, emotionally withdraw from their partners as a way of punishing them.

A lot of men don't.

I agree with the PP. Cave my arse. He's a selfish bully who thinks that the world revolves around him and that others are only there to keep him happy. Not a team player in the slightest. Suggest, if he has stormed off to a hotel, that you firmly bolt the doors and tell him to stay there. Do you have people IRL that you can call on for support?

He sounds an arse.

You deserve much more than this.

Does he realise how serious you are? Could you have a "shape up or ship out" convo?

I feel bullied that I cannot leave him because of taking his DC away
Why can't you leave with your DC?
Of course you can.
He doesn't help anyway. He has no input into your DC life at all.
He is the dad and should be stepping up.
He should be able to look after HIS child on his own.
This is totally and utterly wrong.
You have some RL support. I suggest you pack a bag, get together all important documents and get away to people who will love, support and help you.
Please don't stay with this man.
He will bring you further and further down and you will feel more trapped.
Time to think about yourself and your DC. You are really unhappy, so time to start to turn things around. This man will never be there for you. Get out!

I certainly would say he has an alcohol problem. No spirits but the dependency of feeling the 'need' to have a beer to relax every day. whether it'd from 3-10 cans per day. I have no experience with this apart from DP so I don't know how best to make him understand the effect it has on him and his family. It doesn't affect going to work etc so I think until that happens he doesn't believe he has a problem.

Unfortunately I don't have a great support network nearby. I have close friends but they don't have children, either single or newlyweds and don't feel they quite understand how it is to live with an alcoholic, have a step child or a young DC themselves. The Friends I do have with children aren't close so I don't feel comfortable opening up to them. Ones partner also works alongside DP so it doesn't feel right to talk in this way to them when DP is their boss. My family live 200 miles away. We try and see each other regularly and they come up when they can. One solution I suggested was we move to be closer to then so I could get more help, we would have babysitters so we could have a life again and we would rent out our house here to get extra income. It also meant I would be able to go back to work as my mum kindly offered free childcare. We see his DC at weekends but the idea was as he has a company car, we would keep 2 x rooms at home (one side can be completely closed off) so we still had a family life here too and saw his DC just as often as we do now. This would also help with his debt issues but the idea was shot down in flames.

I feel so trapped. I can't go back to work, yet I am belittled regarding his debt issues and how he provides for us.

Sorry full of self pitty

hellsbellsmelons whenever I try I have been brought down with heavy guilt that I am cruel taking his DC away from him. I start to believe that I am doing wrong by her and that I should just stay and let her have her dad around.

Next time he claims there is no pleasing you call him up on that remark.
How exactly is he pleasing you?

He has his work, he has his beer. And debts. He has a 24hr concierge service and someone on hand to care for the baby. And cater to and clear up after his DC from his former relationship.
You have your baby. And him. With a step-child occasionally.

No conversationalist. What about gentleness, touch??

He can't make you feel guilty if you don't let him.
Stop listening to him and his guilt tripping.
He does FUCK all to help you (and I don't often swear).
If he was stepping up then he could have a say. But he doesn't - EVER.
Get to your family and start LIVING your own life.
You want to work and your mum has offered free childcare.
Take her up on it. If he is THAT concerned regarding his child he will up and move to be with you. But don't hold your breath on that one. It won't happen because he doesn't really want to be part of it.

Contact Al-anon as well. They can help support you regarding your alcoholic partner.

This is YOUR life - you get one shot at it.
Don't spend the next 20-30-40-50 years of it with this lame excuse of man, being unhappy. Life is way too short!

I don't think he is too fussed about you taking his DC away considering he is happy to fuck off to the pub and leave his servant (you) to look after the ones he already only sees as a NRP.

Stop pleasing him and go and let your family help you.

You are not happy, and therefore you should leave. He is putting you in a position where you have no power - like how he shot down the idea that you change the circumstances so you can work. Because that would be giving you some independence. Let's face it, if there are money problems, what POSSIBLE other reason could there be to refuse having extra income coming into the house?????? Think about that.

This really does look like a situation that is going to go rapidly down hill. You don't deserve to be kept as a slave. Slavery ended a long time ago, and rightly so.

By the way, you don't mention this, but when does your step child see their mother? Or does he have full custody? Do you have any contact with the child's mother? The courts will decide about where the best home for that child is. You need to worry about you and your child. If possible, speak to the mother and tell her that you want to end the marriage, but you truly love your step child and couldn't bear to have them suffer.

There's a reason why those two are divorced.