Do you support DH even if you don't agree? Does DH do the same for you?

[Notrealname10]

My DH says he has to agree before he can support and we don't agree a lot, including on this. What's your experience?

You shouldn't have to agree just to get support. My Dp tends to give me unconditional support just because that's what we do. He cares enough for it not to matter. And I'm the same for him, just because I don't agree or like what he's doing for example random projects like building tables, I would still support and ask how he's getting on and if he needs any help (generally a no). Sorry if I've trivialized but I think if your in a relationship support should come regardless of the matter in hand! I guess you'll always have MN for snippets of support!

That's what I think too. My DH struggles to get his head round it. He will do things I ask for but that's not the same.

It's impossible to agree on everything surely? That is why the word 'compromise' was Invented.

Sorry I wasn't clear...so with the case in hand I was having difficulty locating some correspondence and he helped locate it when I asked. But makes it clear he doesn't agree.

Is he kind to you?

Huh? How can he 'not agree' with finding some correspondence?

It's hard to say if he's unreasonable or not without having a more nuanced view of his general behaviour.

I agree with previous question: is he kind?

I also don't understand the context. But as to your question, it depends a lot on what is being proposed as to how far couples can and should compromise. If one decided to go change career, for example, and the other didn't agree then they might still be able to support the change with some reassurances and conditions attached. But if one decided t join an extreme political party and the other didn't agree, they'd be foolish to encourage it.

He is kind.

With the (unclear) point about finding correspondence, I was trying to say that he will help me by doing what I ask, which is support. But he can't give emotional support if he doesn't agree. If I'm struggling with something difficult emotionally, and we have a conversation he will say he doesn't agree even when his opinion isn't asked for and it's obvious that him saying he doesn't is making me upset.

This issue has always been the case. I can accept it most of the time but I think there are some things that he should get over his own opinion for, particularly things that are personal to me eg my career, in the current case trying to get some sort of closure with the disappointing service we received from a service provider during the birth of my newborn DD (service provider let us down hugely, I was not supported during labour, we've complained directly, they've come back and denied/lied and rewritten history, I am trying to work out what to do next so it doesn't haunt me forever). But may be some people just can't do that -and IABU. I wonder if for him it's too much like me telling him what to think-if he doesn't voice his opinion...

Our relationship is a bit tricky at the moment - both v busy and tired as well as getting used to having a newborn again.

Sorry cogito-my post took me a couple of hours to compose/post whilst juggling getting two DDs sorted. Yes I agree on the context point. May be some people aren't able, as opposed to choosing, to do it even then though...?

I'm sorry OP, I'm not being deliberately obtuse, but I really don't understand what you mean here.

He doesn't agree with what?

1. He doesn't want to help you with chores when you ask for his help (dishes, finding things, cleaning or whatever). But he begrudgingly does even if he doesn't want to?

2. If you have a view about an issue, and he has a different view (eg. I think this issues is a huge problem vs I think this issue is not problematic at all), he refuses to listen to your perspective or to discuss it?

Or something else?

With the first one yes off course he should help you, and shouldn't grumble about it like a sullen teenager. Although granted neither of you are probably getting much sleep at the moment.

On the second one, no...you don't have to agree on an issue to support the other. You need to understand each other's perspective, even if you don't agree with it. Once you understand each other, then you reach a compromise on how to go forward.

Sorry for being unclear.

It's your second scenario kaykay. However the issue isn't necessarily a joint issue so in the case of my career I have wanted support achieving what I want to and I have asked for emotional support ie a bit of tlc 'how are you feeling?' Etc. , but if he disagrees with what I'm trying to achieve or how (and not because it negatively affects him) he won't do that. If I say I understand but ask him to not voice how he is disagreeing because it's not helping and instead I would like help doing things in the way I'd like to do them he says he can't do that and I shouldn't talk to him about it.

If you're partnered with someone who doesn't take your opinion seriously enough to discuss it - if it's 'their way or no way' - then you've got a compatibility problem. You can't rely on someone like that for emotional support and will have to seek it elsewhere instead. That, in turn, leads to a reduction in communication and ultimately distance. Are you expected to support him right or wrong? Do you? And has the relationship always been this one-sided or have you never needed anything from him before?

Okay, thanks for the clarification here OP.

Actually, I think this is a little more nuanced than what I first thought. It depends partly on his reasons for him disagreeing with your work ambitions.

For example, if he thought what you are doing is morally wrong, then I wouldn't expect him to help you. For example, (and dear lord I don't think this is the case!!) if you were planning to screw someone over to give yourself a foot up, then he might think that's morally wrong, and therefore not support you with it. And that I could understand if you were listening to him, but wanting to do it anyway.

In a less extreme example, say he was worried that this new work thing would mean you were away from home much more - he might have concerns about that too which you two would need to work out before he would support you. For example - in this circumstance he might be worried the children would miss you too much, or you would miss out on key moments in their lives. Or that the added stress would be bad for the family. Those would be genuine concerns that you guys would need to reach an agreement on before you could expect his support.

If it is a matter of you saying "I want this from work", him replying "I don't agree because of X reasons" then you saying "ok fine but support me anyway" then you aren't taking any of his concerns into account.

But to be honest OP, whilst I understand your question better now, there is going to be so much that depends on context that it's hard to say.

Hi OP, I understand - my DH is the same. Dear everyone else - basically it's a case of her DH offering his tuppence worth on something she's doing that she feels highly emotive about, and it's annoying her.

For example, it sounds like she's confided in him about her emotions surrounding a formal complaint she's making and, instead of listening and giving her a hug, and taking it on as their task, he has said he thinks she should drop the issue or it is somehow not worth pursuing.

My husband does this and I get disappointed too. You want them to empathise with the cause (like a more distant friend or colleague would - they would just respect your take on things), but they try to change your course of action.

OP I often give my husband the benefit of the doubt and assume he is trying to protect me or otherwise not being quite as annoying as I can find him. Men hate complaints, dissatisfaction and regret - he is probably just upset that you wont leave it and move on.

For a quieter life I think you have two options. Not tell your husband what you're doing/not expect his unquestioning support or take his advice seriously. I do know how annoying it is. DH saying 'well why did you mention it if you didn't want my opinion' argh shut up how hard would it be to just rub my feet and say poor you you wonderful brave darling

p.s. I often think this happens with 'solve it fix it' type men. My DH hates to see my aggrieved and often wants to solve things rather than let me stir up anything that is going to have a negative feel, even if it is justified. It's possible you have a DH like this and he finds it hard to cope with the fact you're stirring something up that's obviously bringing you unhappiness.

You can see I try to look kindly on my DH. The other option is that he's just being a pushy, annoying bugger who refuses to take a back seat!

Cogito I think you're right and I can definitely see an element of that in my relationship.

I'm not sure if IABU to make it 'all about me' sometimes and to expect DH to know when to keep his opinions out of the conversation/holly support me in the way that is best for me ( or if he doesn't know when to respond positively when I ask him to)?

So I'm wondering is it me not taking his opinions seriously and in turn asking him to leave them out of our conversation sometimes? Or is it him not taking my opinion seriously when he wants to air his opinion/view and not support me in the way I want him to/feel like I need (at the time)?

I too am confused by the examples, but, if I've got it right, I wouldn't expect my dh to unconditionally agree with me if that wasn't his opinion, and nor would I do that to him.

We can be honest with each other, love each other, and still have different opinions about things. Indeed, this was the main reason I split from a previous relationship, as he couldn't accept that it was perfectly OK to hold different opinions about all sorts of things when you were a couple.

"So I'm wondering is it me not taking his opinions seriously .... etc"

Again, it's down to compatibility rather than who is strictly right or wrong. Ideally, as a couple, there shouldn't be too many serious things that you actually disagree about. You'd expect to have chosen someone compatible as a life partner after all. For minor stuff you can operate a 'live and let live' policy and agree to differ. But if there are too many important subjects where you don't see eye to eye, and if you're unable to give or receive moral support as a result, that just sounds like a bad relationship

Do you know what I think it is more an issue of wanting a certain, quite specific type of comfort/empathy and not getting it. If you feel emotional you want empathy and comfort because you feel sad/doubtful etc. If he questions what you're doing it feels like he's not taking you seriously, or putting up barriers to togetherness -- but he probably feels he is supporting you by using all his brain to work out what's a good solution.

My partner is incredibly supportive, but I can think of an example when he isn't. I am very literal. I am very emotional. I can make a mountain out of a molehill and am like a dog with a bone.
Sometimes my partner is like, "just leave it, walk away". In these instances you could say he isn't emotionally supportive, but I think he's sometimes right. I just don't always know what battles to pick.

In this case I think he should be supportive of you, his opinion of how your DD's birth went isn't relevant is it? You underwent it, not him, and you are afraid of itb haunting you, not him. I don't think this is a compromise issue, it's your issue, and yes he should take your opinion on your experiene seriously and not expect his opinion to trump it.

But perhaps he's happy mother and child are safe and well? Perhaps to him it's important to focus on the positives and leave the negatives behind? Perhaps he thinks the stress is bad for his wife?

Those are all valid concerns, but in this case it's not his call, is it?

Well, I can understand that he'd be concerned for his wife's welfare. It'd also mean that his motivation isn't dismissive or controlling or uncaring.

But we don't know.