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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I text his family or Not!!

41 replies

10152530 · 16/06/2014 22:35

Been married for 17 years full of misery and sadness. My husband (separated but still cohabiting..), keeps saying in an indirect way that his family don't like me, they criticise the way I call his name, the ones who don't come around to visit don't because of me...
this is the text I am about to send them all:
Shall I do or not!!!
Thank you

It's very hurtful to be told by Mr that I am not being liked by his family, that none of you like to visit us and that comments on how I call him "honey" have been going around.
I have always considered every one of you as a member of my family. when you come to visit, I try my best to give you beyond a 5 star service offering everything I can from my heart, and when I visit you, I do it to enjoy your company and for our kids to get to spend good times as cousins no more...! But it seems like whether in my house or at yours, I am being watched, judged & criticised...
I know that what Mr says is not always true & that he tends to twist what's been said around to show that I am the guilty & bad one and that you all have issues with me but there is no smoke without fire..,!
God is great & nothing goes by without him seeing the true from the false, the cheater from the honest one...!
I am in no way a bad person nor an angel but you don't seem to see the emotional damage & abuse Mr has done to me, you only seem to see him as perfect as an angel.
from now on, I will keep my distance to avoid being judged, criticised and hurt as I can no longer put up with the stress this has caused me.
Good bye everyone.

OP posts:
GungHo · 16/06/2014 23:32

I would edit it heavily. Just limit it to 'fuck off you gobby newt'

and send it to your knobcheese of a husband.

ps, why is he still in the house? Apparently he doesn't like you, apparently his family don't like you, presumably any join pets therefore don't like you. So why hasn't he run screaming from the joint?

Lackland · 16/06/2014 23:33

Please don't send it.

reabann · 16/06/2014 23:34

Abandon ship! Do not send! I have had a similar problem. Does it really matter if they do or dont like you? In what way does it physically affect your life? He could be lying, saying hurtful things as a weapon. I would shut these opinions out of your mind and keep focused on what you know is real. If you are seperated but living together I would sort something out, thats like torture.you will be surprised how much better you will feel from closure.

Allalonenow · 16/06/2014 23:49

No, don't send it. Blood is thicker than water, so whatever you say, in the long run they will support him.

Sending it will just confirm to them that you really are all the things he will have told them about you.

Let them go, they are his family and in the great scheme of things what they think of you does not matter at all.
Focus on yourself and your own family if you are close to them.

Do not fritter away any of your emotional energy on his family, instead use that energy to ensure that you get the best possible financial deal for yourself as your long marriage ends.

MexicanSpringtime · 17/06/2014 03:51

You already know he is a liar and he is telling you this to try to hurt you.

Either forget about it or ask them personally.

My exP told me about several people who supposedly complained about me, including his mother. I asked them if it was true and it wasn't. Later I found out by sheer accident that other things he had said about friends' reactions to me were also untrue.

He is trying to torture you and I cannot imagine that, if you have treated them as you say in the email, they could not appreciate you.

10152530 · 17/06/2014 23:33

Hi everyone,
Thank you all ever so much for all your kind and wise replies. Will follow your advise.
Mr is still around for the simplest reason that we have a joint mortgage and 3 kids (15,11 & 21 months), he has been sleeping in the spare room since October...been fighting for many years trying to save our marriage and get him to be that faithful husband but it took me 17 years to realise that I married a sociopath who spent his time manipulating me and anyone I might come in contact with including my own sister who I stopped talking to for 5 years & brother I stopped contact with since January.
Sorry too sleepy.... Baby will wake up later on to breast feed:)
good night xx

OP posts:
10152530 · 18/06/2014 07:01

Good morning everyone,
...was saying last night that we have a joint mortgage and a joint leased business expiring next year and not doing well at all. I could get him out but leaving the kids to him on a shared custody will not do much good for the kids as he will end up brainwashing them with his nonsense excuses for the reason he has been cheating on me for many years, his family will brainwash my daughter into wearing the scarf and tell her that wearing a short skirt or shorts is bad. All his family are very conservative with their clothing but not with their mouth!

OP posts:
Brabra · 18/06/2014 07:43

Don't send it, but be glad that they will soon be in the past.

Hissy · 18/06/2014 07:47

Is there a problem with your sister/brother?

If not, get back into contact and apologise for the mess this inferior and tiny little man created.

Stand up for yourself, don't let that insignificant little man wear you down.

You really should leave him. He's just not good enough, but I understand about your fears about the religion. That's a tricky area, and if there's any chance he'd get and demand 50/50 contact, you need to consider the brainwashing they will do when they have her.

Perhaps when the eldest children are older and won't be told what to do, then you can get him out of your lives. Until then, make YOUR life as 'yours' as possible.

WildBillfemale · 18/06/2014 07:52

No you'll only add fuel to their opinions. You will look like a nutter.

cestlavielife · 18/06/2014 14:47

your children will fare better on a shared basis knowing they have a safe haven even if only part time - and the older ones can soon vote with their feet.

do not ever send that text (far too long for a text anyway)

part of abusive behavior is to undermine you tell you no one likes you my ex did this too. jsut ignore him.

you know whether or not they care about you -and whether you care about them .

Jamie1981 · 18/06/2014 16:04

It never ceases to amaze me.
You marry someone and effectively become a close part of the family for x years.
Yet when you split up, the family see the need to turn on you, often for no other reason than you and their son/daughter weren't compatible.

Andcake · 18/06/2014 16:12

Just don't - they are not going to change their opinion of you because of it for the better - it will only make them think you are worse if anything.
Just ignore ignore ignore and dream of the day he is out.
Leave it alone - I don't know you or the situation and although he sounds vile - just reading the proposed text makes me think you are a bit of a needy nutter (sorry) and as a complete stranger I can believe you - what if the ex of someone you knew sent you a message like that would you believe it.
Their opinion of you doesn't matter anymore.

bourgoin · 18/06/2014 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fideliney · 18/06/2014 16:44

I'm not sure this is the best place to be trying to con people sell spells.

If anyone wants to prevent their husband from leaving I have some wheel clamps (also handcuffs) I am happy to sell for ££££££. Guaranteed more effective than spells. PM me. Smile

10152530 · 18/06/2014 23:19

That's right Hissy, once the older ones reach the age when they cannot be influenced by his family as he is indifferent and is quite liberal in comparison to them, then it would be wise to kick him out for good. I do dream of that day when I will have my life, dignity & pride back.
As for the sister it's a long story to cut it short to when she came to stay with us back in summer 2007 she had just turned 19, he told her all sort of nasty things about me to make her hate me to find out 3 months later that they were cheating on me under my nose.
Stopped talking to the sister for 5 years....she apologised endlessly and keeps saying how naïve and foolish she was to have believed him. As for the brother, again we were in good terms until January when I found out that Mr has introduced him to this girl he has been dating. I felt being betrayed by my own brother.
Unfortunately the man I married is in no way the man I am living with now:(
I feel lonely, in need of affection, a hug, attention and care. I give plenty of them to my kids but I need to feel them back as well. bless my kids they do hug and kiss but not having a very close person is depressing me! And who would want me with 3 kids!:((

OP posts:
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