I haven't posted here in years, but sometimes you need to get some things out.
My husband and I haven't been doing well for the past year. He's been very emotionally abusive. There is a history of physical abuse, but not for a number of years. Well this past year has been really rough. Needless to say I've been planning on ending it for a few months, I told him that he had to leave this coming week simply because the children won't be here as they are going away to visit my family for the summer. He refuses to go, saying that we're a family and we have to stay together. I told him I don't love him, and I've reached the point where I never will again. I find having sex with him repulsive and I feel disgusting after. But I guess that's how you feel when you know you're done, and there's nothing left.
Two weeks ago I was trying to sleep (I work nights and really long hours). He came into the room and said "let's do something". I told him no, that I didn't want to. but he kept trying. I kept telling him no and tried pushing him away. He just wouldn't stop and the whole time I was asking him to stop and telling him to get off me. Finally I just went numb and zoned out. I feel really stupid and feel like I should have done something else, but I was just so surprised. I talked about it with him a few days later and all he said was he was being selfish. No apologies, no acknowledgement for what he did. He doesn't understand what the problem is. I told him that it was the last time I would ever have sex with him.
Last week I woke up to go to work and my underwear was hanging off one of my legs. I was sore and there was evidence of what he did. I don't remember it at all. I screamed at him and he just said that he didn't know how someone could sleep through it, and he thought I was awake. I explained to him that if he worked 11 hours a day, seven days a week for two months straight, only to come home and take care of three children, eventually you reach a level of exhaustion that you sleep through anything. Not to mention if I said no when I was awake why would I ever say yes in my sleep. I haven't been able to sleep well since, and for little time I do fall asleep I wake up screaming and jumping out of my bed.
I told him that when the kids leave at the end of the week I am too. They're the only thing keeping me in this house now. I don't leave with them now only to save them from getting in the middle of it. He told me we're a family and half to stay together. He refuses to leave, and said he'd never let me divorce him.
I hate this house now. I feel a weight on my chest every time I walk through the door.
He doesn't understand why I'm upset saying that he didn't do anything for me to be upset about. He tells me I'm crazy and that I have a bubble in my head that makes me not see things right.
Maybe I am the crazy one, but I all I know is that I'm doing the best I can to not break inside.
Thanks for letting me share.