I'm pregnant, upset, and really don't know what to think

[Firstpregnancy2014]

I adore my parents. They're my absolute rocks and I would do anythin for them. They are so excited about their first grandchild and have been really involved in my pregnancy
So my father has just been round to tell me my mums having an affair
I can't even think straight
He's devestated
I'm sat crying my eyes out and feel like I'm over-reacting but this really is going to turn my life upside down
What am I supposed to do?
How could she do this yet at the same time plan family holidays for when the baby arrives and play happy family's ? My father is literally the nicest most caring person in the world- and the breadwinner.
Do I still talk to my mum?
Or do I stay completly loyal to my dad? After all he didn't deserve this.
I really thought things like this didn't happen as you grew older- I saw so many friends go through a parent divorce when I was younger but I really thought it ended there
All I can think about is my baby spending it's first Christmas being pulled from pillar to post. Do I even want my mum seeing this baby anymore? After all she knew how much this would hurt us all
I feel like I've just found out my life has been a lie
I'm sorry if I sound stupid but we are such a close family:(

You're not stupid at all. Not at all. This is a huge shock. Do you have a partner you can talk to/hug this evening? Try to leave any confrontation until at least tomorrow when you've had a chance to think. I'm sure experienced mners will be along soon to hand hold/offer good advice. Sorry you're going through this.

Thank you I have a partner that works nights I'm currently just sat crying on my own
My father hasn't told my mum he knows yet
I was shocked to learn he's known for a while
So I couldn't say anything to her even if I wanted to. I've never felt this feeling of utter helplessness. All I think about is our amazing Christmas' and how much I loved going to my grandparents as a child. Not my grandmas one day and then my grandads the next! I really don't know how I should be feeling

Maybe call partner and ask if he can come home tonight? Or do you have a friend nearby who could come and talk to you?

I think it's natural to feel shocked, betrayed and angry.

But don't do anything rash. You don't know your mum's side of things. Besides, her role as a partner is separate to her role as a mother and grandmother.

Your dad's getting support from you. Make sure you have your support in place.

Without sounding harsh (but of tough love here), stop thinking about Xmas and how this might affect things for you and baby. Deal with the here and now. One day at a time.

What's your dads plan now? Us he going to confront her tonight? Soon? What did he ask if you, if anything?

Calm down, make a cup of tea. Have a think about it as calmly as you can once the tears have gone. Talk it through with your do when he's home.

I know how upsetting this would be, I'm also from a close family and I'd feel the sane. However, just slow down a bit. It is their marriage remember and of course it will affect you but this us ultimately between them. You'll need to support your dad but dont make decisions now about who you'll support/talk to/spend time with etc.

You're in shock, just take deep breaths and take a step back.

It is ridiculously unfair of your dad to tell you this before he has confronted your mum!
I think you need to tell him that he must adress it with her and tell her that you know then give the a little space and. Take one day at a time.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Why did your dad tell you? I'm not judging, I actually would appreciate the heads up before the shit hits the fan, but I'm wondering if that' why he told you, that he's confronting her soon?

Maybe he felt like telling someone else means he can't keep ignoring it?

What did he want from you?

I know it's hard but remember her cheating has nothing to do with you. She wasn't thinking about anyone else but herself when she did it. Why she did it also isn't your business. You might lose respect for her, you might hate her for what she's done to your dad, but remember that she's human and she's not perfect, but she is your mum.

I am sorry though. It's hard when someone you love is going through something bad. Your family will adapt to the family holiday thing.

This is going to sound really harsh, and I don't mean it to, and I know you're pregnant and. Emoti

Emotional, but your post constantly refers to you and how you feel. Your dad must be going through hell.
Your emotional resources will understandably be limited at the moment. Do you have siblings; is there anyone else who can help to support your dad?
Your mum will also need support at some stage - there will be some deep underlying reason why this has happened.
Really sorry that this is happening. It seems unfair that your dad has told you now but the burden of knowledge must be hurting him very badly indeed

Your dad was very unfair to tell you before he told your mum. A good parent does NOT put their child in that situation. Especially whn their bloody pregnant. Did he even tell you who she was having the affair with? Does he have concrete evidence? Does he plan to separate? Work through it?

And if didn't tell you any of that then why the FUCK did he tell you at all?

Also...you don't know your mum's side yet. Things might look rosy from the outside, but you really won't know until you have spoken to her about it.

It sounds a little like your dad is being cowardly and hoping that you tell her that he knows - unless he said to you that he was going to tell her that night or something.

What you do after you have spoken to your mum (and I stress that you really do need to speak to her), is your business only. If you decide that you want nothing to do with her any more, that's your decision. If you believe that she has spurned your family then you have no obligation to continue to treat her as family.

You probably will though after a while, since she's still your mother.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, I truly am. What your parents decide to do with their marriage if their business, and how you decide to go forward is your business too.

Christmas is a long way off so stop fretting and deal with the present. A lot can change between now and then. And tbh, your baby will be too young to understand much about Christmas this year.

Does your Dad plan on speaking with your mother? It must have taken a lot of guts for him to confide in you before tackling the problem head on with your mother.

Calm down and try not to stress, it will do you and the baby no good to get worked up.

I'm sorry you are upset but this is your mum and dad's problem, not yours. You'll probably end up listening to them both. Say 'Oh dear' and don't take sides.

Of course you should talk to your mum. She's your mum and she loves you. Talk to your dad, too. If either of them objects to that, point out that they've both been good parents and you're not giving up either of them now. And they can't rope you in to be 'on their side' - that isn't fair.

Your life has not been a lie, and nor has your parents' life together. All the time that seemed like good family time really was just that.

Your mum is an adult. She has sexual and emotional needs that weren't/aren't being met within her adult relationship. This is nothing to do with your relationship with her or hers with you.

After you've had a cry, assess your situation. You are an adult, too, with a partner of your own and a baby on the way. You are not a dependent child. If your parents behave this way or that way, it doesn't have to rock your world. Take a deep breath and move on.

When I say 'Talk to your mum', I mean 'Keep speaking to her'. I do not mean 'Confront your mum about the affair'.
In coming to you first, your dad might have been hoping you'd do that - in which case, he's manipulative and you should be wary.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he's upset and had no-one else to talk to. Cup of tea, listening ear, move on. Its his place to discuss this with your mum, not yours.

Agree with all that's been said. This is horrid news but it's theirs to faff around with. Your dad is obviously hurting but it was unfair of him to dump this on you, because, it's now really upset you and you don't know the full picture.

It's really hard when our parents act like Any Other Adults. It's hard to see them as people in their own rights sometimes.

You need time to digest this and watch how things play out. But essentially let them get on with it.

What is your dad going to do next?

My daughter thinks her father is wonderful. He's an arsehole.
I really think you shouldn't be thinking about not talking to your mum at this stage!
Having an affair is always wrong, but it's sometimes understandable.
And even if it is pure nasty selfishness (and does that sound like your mum?) I wouldn't do anything drastic til you know what's going on.
You need to focus on what matters though, NOW - not Xmas with a baby that won't know what's going on.

As far as I can tell you feel exactly the same as every child whose parents divorce. The age is irrelevant. It's devastating. A new normal will appear in time. It's a long process but it will eventually be ok. Just different.