husband's sister and brother not spoken to us for 2 years - funeral Wednesday and dreading it.

[Mistressmiggins]

any advice? step daughter 3 years ago told my DH's brother and sister (and probably parents) that we had said some nasty things about them.

We didn't. We were having trouble with DH's DD as she was 14 and didnt always want to come and see us - we've since accepted this and make the effort to go to hers even for just a couple of hours. Instead of supporting DH, they went against us being over friendly with DH's DD and almost made us sound unreasonable... and it just escalated out of control.

My family are very close and I find this distance upsetting. We are dreading the funeral as his sister and brother are more direct in their speech than my DH and also very friendly. We have been completely cut out of their lives - no birthday cards etc even though DH sent them all birthday cards....he doesn't bother now.

To be honest, they never liked me - they told him he should remain single (after his wife left him & his daughter) and concentrate on her. very commendable but we happened to meet and fall in love.
My family absolutely adore him.
His family seem to hate us both :-(
He's definitely the odd one of the 3 and being cynical, its cos his brother is considerably richer than us. hi sister has always IMO put DH down. He says he doesn't care as he has me.....

Any advice on funeral (of course I will be polite and friendly)
Just dreading it....wish I could turn back the clock and never have fallen out :-(

In my experience (which may not be everybody's of course) funerals impose their own discipline and rules so that even meeting people with whom you have a significant difficulty can be handled. Polite and courteous should do it although you migh be well advised to avoid the funeral breakfast if that's on offer and take yourselve off reasonably quickly afterwards.

I would stick rigidly to funeral 'rules' (dress neatly in dark colours, send flowers or whatever has been requested but don't go over the top). I would go very early actually as I'm petrified of being late at these things, but there may be an agonising wait in semi silence beforehand.

Focus your thoughts on the person who's died and just grit your teeth and get through it - actually I would try to go to the wake as well, as you never know, this might be the moment when the falling out starts to ease.

Thanks for your advice x

IF anything is said, I suggest you keep a few stock phrases prepared.

If there's a confrontational comment:
"This is not the time or place for this"

We're here for x.

If anyone alludes to the wicked things you've apparently said/done:

"You've only heard ONE side, the truth has played no part in what you've been told, but let's leave it at that"

You have a right to be at the funeral. The rest of the family are wrong, but perhaps don't know it. So hold your head up high, be dignified and refined. You've done nothing wrong.

Focus on your respect for the person who has died and who you need to support.

How will it affect your step-daughter?

I doubt there would be anything said, Hissy - well at least not at the actual funeral where ritual generally takes over. I've found, though, that things tend to loosen up afterwards at the funeral breakfast (especially if the whisky bottle is out) which is why I recommended not going to it. That's if the OP has been invited to it and she may not have been.

Surely everyone who attends the service is invited to the wake?

Not in my experience, Imbroglio, but maybe it's a cultural/regional thing.

In my neck of the woods, the wake is before the funeral and is pretty much an open house where no invitations are issued but no-one would be turned away: the funeral 'breakfast' is afterwards and could be either nibbles and sherry (what my brother irreverently refers to as 'the sandwiches') but sometimes is a formal family sit-down.

I guess it depends.

Worst case scenario is that someone says something.

If the OP has some stock phrases in her head, is prepared, then she can maintain control.

Having that control exudes an air of strength, which repels those that'd try and start something.

That's true. Better to be prepared and not need to use them.

step daughter isn't affected. She still sees DH's sister and brother although she tells us they are very quick to tell her she has made bad A level choices so not sure how close they will remain

Focus on the funeral for now - and that should be OK. I've been to funerals before where I was completely not on speaking terms with one of the attendees and they went without a hitch. (The funeral directors/whoever is in charge tend to marshal people and direct them so just put on your blacks and go along. You'll be fine.)

A funeral isn't the place to sort this out. Nod, smile and acknowledge them, mention a few words about maybe catching up soon to chat properly then move on. Don't get into a situation where it's going to cause distress to others at the funeral with family bickering.