After being badly hurt...does it change you permanently?

[rubbishwithmen]

My last relationship really took away all my confidence. He cheated on me, got caught and then instead of apologising told me it was all my fault. Apparently I'd gotten fat, I'd gotten boring, I used to be fun, gorgeous, exciting and the life of the party but now I was always working / washing / ironing and that he'd stopped loving me.

He was really nasty about it and never even said sorry. Flaunted the new woman in my face. He talked about the past and twisted it to make it sound like things that weren't true were real. He told me he'd been unhappy for years and had put up with me, even though he'd never given me any signs of that at all.

Hard to explain but I felt (and still feel) very confused about how he did that to me. He really gave no indication of being an arsehole and we were as close as two people can be. It was a happy relationship and I thought we really loved each other so it was all quite hard to cope with. I felt like I was going mad and lost grip really on what was real and what wasn't.

11 months on from that and I am better. He was right, I was fat and boring (he was fatter and more boring) but I've gotten back into shape and have got my life back. Glad he's gone actually because I realise somehow that he took parts of me away. Hard to explain but being with him made me change in a bad way and I did not notice it until after he'd gone.

The problem is that I am struggling with dating. At first it was hard and awful and I wished every one of them was my ex, then I gave myself a break.

My chance I have met someone who I really, really like but I put him off by being needy, trying to get him to commit, checking up on him and pushing him away emotionally. None of that behavior is a version of me I have seen before and I am aware how unattractive it is.

I think I am on the brink of being given another chance with this man, and while I'm really excited I am also scared because I am STILL finding myself obsessing about his every move "does this mean he likes me?"..."does this mean he doesn't like me?". In truth I think he does like me but my nutty behavior has given him serious doubts and I definitely need to completely nip that in the bud!

I know a lot of the MNers have been really badly hurt by people and I wonder is it normal to come out of it like this? How does it go away? Do I need more time? I don't feel like time is going to fix it. I feel like it's something in me that will always be there if I don't change it.

I am aware that I am SO scared of being hurt or lied to or cheated on or rejected that I am almost sabotaging myself.

my past relationship's have changed me. I think its almost inevitable. life does shape you after all. I'm now more cautious than I used to be and I don't give myself emotionally so readily. Sometimes I feel a bit sad about that, I've lost that nievity of young love and I don't think that will ever come back but overall I'm ok with being slightly more cautious/careful with my feelings. I don't however struggle with self esteem issues and I think I'd probably want to find a way to work through that if I did.

You've heard 'once bitten, twice shy'? All experiences, good or bad, change us in some way. You're only 11 months away from a very bad relationship and that it's clearly not enough time to have restored your confidence. You are not self-sabotaging therefore, but you don't believe in yourself enough. If you were confident in yourself you wouldn't be calling yourself 'nutty', trying to change your behaviour to attract a man or stooping to accept second chances.... you'd be telling yourself that there was nothing wrong with you and it was his loss.

It's a cliché but don't get involved with anyone until you have a much higher opinion of yourself.

I do know that post in itself sounded like it had no confidence, but in fairness, I was "nutty". I am saying that objectively, not in a self-hating way. If a man had behaved the way I did I would have run for the hills.

I think you need more time OP.

Doesn't matter if you were as mad as a box of frogs. :) If you were more confident you would put a slant on it that someone should love you 'warts and all'. It's terrifically healthy to be self-aware and acknowledge your faults but, without a backing of self-esteem, the self-deprecation makes you vulnerable because you become grateful for attention and second chances. Sounds like you should step out of dating for a while, restore your equilibrium, like yourself, reduce your anxiety etc.

Surely you can't expect people to love you warts and all a few weeks in though? Or do you?

This is where I have no confidence...in knowing what to expect or should or should not be.

My experiences have changed me yes. I don't believe words, I believe actions. And I'm not looking for forever because I'm not certain I can commit to that myself.

Years ago, I was dumped by an asshole, who to make himself feel better about dumping me, delivered a stinging character assassination as his justification. It was so hurtful. About six months later I believed I was better. I was slimmer, I had longer hair, I had a tan, but I wasn't better on the inside and I ended up with the father of my children. And now he really was bad news.

KlokkenErOl

Sorry, but your last line did make me chuckle!

I think it's when they get you to doubt yourself so much, that you don't know which way is up.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries all the way and when they start pushing them, then take notice.

This struck a chord with me. My ten year relationship broke down in car crash style and I'm now finding it really hard to meet anyone else.
I'll go for 2 or 3 dates with someone and then lose interest, or else I'll be insanely attracted to 'bad boys' who have nothing to offer.
In a lot of ways I feel more at one with myself than I have done for a long time. I feel very much like I'm now 'me' if that makes sense, and I'm also not scared of being alone.
However I would like another relationship and it just feels unachievable. I know that going after the 'bad boys' is not healthy for me.
I was with my ex for over ten years and have now been single 2 and a half years. Sometimes I think that given the circumstances of our break up I am being unrealistic to think I would be 'over it' it enough by now to have met someone else...and then I look round at other people skipping blythely from bed to bed and wonder what is wrong with me. Its almost like I am extremely cautious/gun shy...unless it's someone who I know there is no future with.
It's well and good to say give men a miss for a while etc etc but I'm 36 this year and I would possibly like a family. I don't have years and years to procrastinate.
Anyway, sorry for hijacking the thread, but as I said it did strike a chord.

No, thanks for telling your story.

Yes, that's exactly my predicament. It's been almost a year and he wasted enough years of my life as it is. I'm in my mid thirties and feel like I don't want to wither away. I'm doing great with work, have a great social life and have really come into my own the past six months. I'm told i look better than I ever have and I am told that the real "me" has come back again. I never cry anymore, or mope and I binned everything to do with him and no longer care what he does. I am over HIM but not over IT. If that makes sense.

I'm not scared of being alone, but I am scared of picking the wrong person again :( Of loving them and them turning out to be a total bastard.

I did find the first dates were bad - but I think it was partly me being still hung up on my ex but also massively that the guys were not the right ones.

This other man is special, but I do feel like my behavior messed things up. It might sound like begging for another chance but that's not me taking scraps from the table. It's more about knowing I want to give things a try with this person, that he is worth it and wanting to find a way to stop analysing everything he says and does for "signs" he is messing me around.

I hate that I feel this way.

I don't think you are ready. How much time have you spent happily single and not actively dating, out of interest?

I've just spent a year doing that and now I'm finding dating so much easier and much more fun.

One thing that I would say is that I'm a little bit further on than you and I've kinda got to the point where I trust my instincts a bit more.

If I feel insecure and needy about someone, then I guess I don't think that is just something I've created in my head, it's because I'm responding/picking up on signals/tells that the guy is giving me.
I feel you are beating yourself up a little bit - reading your post it's like you totally blame yourself for it not working out when that is unlikely to be true. It takes two to tango etc
Maybe this guy just isn't right.

I don't agree with being 'happily single' rather than 'actively dating' as it happens. I would say part of being happily single is meeting new people and going out and enjoying yourself. I don't think you need to avoid dating unless that is what you want to do.

Six months single. 5 months dating but to be honest, only a month of that was more than a coffee here and there.

Maybe the guy just isn't right...I didn't think of that as a possibility. How weird!

''If I feel insecure and needy about someone, then I guess I don't think that is just something I've created in my head, it's because I'm responding/picking up on signals/tells that the guy is giving me. ''

• YES. Learnt this one the hard way.

agree with floppydisc and zigazig. Don't assume it's you being nutty, especially if you've never felt needy before. It may be that his behaviour is making you feel doubtful and insecure.
Don't be too grateful for the second chance! Have more confidence in yourself and your own attractiveness.

Now you mention it like that, yes, I did start being insecure and needy AFTER he sent signals of slightly cooling off.

Well I think it's cause and effect - I have never felt so insecure and needy as I have the last few years - I now realise that this was partly because I was needy due to my vulnerability when I met him (had recently suffered a major bereavement) but also I know that much of my behaviour was a complete reaction to his - which he then used against me as evidence that I was the unstable/unhinged one - when I said to him look, I am feeling doubtful because of your lack of commitment/the way you speak to me sometimes etc that was completely dismissed, it was apparently not an issue at all, his behaviour was fine he was entitled to it, I was the one with the problem seemingly. Yet another way I now see he was keeping control. Don't know if sharing that experience helps any.

It took me a long time to trust myself again and heed my instincts. And I needed to have faith in me before I could trust anyone else.

I hope that makes sense.