Been with DP some 12 years, one DS (5). Before we had DS, the relationship felt pretty equal, we both worked and had lots of fun and friends. There were red flags for me at that time that I let slide: saying he didn’t say something when I clearly remembered he did / saying he said something differently to the way I remembered it being said. Also, he was a bit economical with the truth sometimes and would sometimes fib a bit, mostly to make himself look good in front of others.
But, underneath it all, I knew he was a decent person so I let a lot of it slide. I now realise that was a mistake. Once we’d moved in together I noticed he criticised me a lot. I pulled him up on it a few times and it would get better and then worse again. It wasn’t all the time but it could happen at any time, even as part of a normal, happy conversation.
After DS was born and after I went back to work I feel things got worse. Now there were also harsh comments which made me feel small and inconsequential, sometimes in front of other people. I began to feel unhappy. Around this time I ran into an old friend/love interest and my feelings for him ignited. I had what amounted to an enormous crush which has now been going on for a couple of years. There’s no “affair” to speak of, we’re not in contact, just a recognition of mutual admiration and a lot of dreaming and fantasising on my part. I did a lot of thinking about what I wanted from a relationship as a result of this and it really shined a light on the aspects of my relationship with DP that were less than healthy.
Some weeks ago, I told DP that I was unhappy and that I had feelings for someone else and was considering separation. He had a massive wake-up call and said he would do anything to keep things together. I said I didn’t know what I wanted and that I felt quite confused. We were still in the same house but sleeping apart a lot and basically just looking after DS.
Then a few days ago, we spoke again and he said he felt very rejected and asked me if I was having an affair. He said he had seen a psychotherapist and realised that I had experienced verbal and emotional abuse as a result of his behaviour. He said he would do anything to make the necessary changes needed.
Since the conversation I have felt very tearful. I witnessed my father verbally abusing my mother and I realise that I may have subconsciously chosen DP as his sometimes cold and harsh attitude reminds me of my father. I do not feel that I could ever feel safe enough to allow him into my heart to have the kind of open and communicative relationship that I know is possible. Yet he is desperate for things to be repaired and has said he will change.
He wants to get married but I am fearful that his behaviour will revert in 5 or 10 years time once everything is back to normal and then I will really be stuck. On the other hand, sometimes we do have a laugh and there was/is kindness and love between us. He does have many good qualities and can be really fun and jolly. His own negative/abusive traits I am certain are as a result of his own upbringing.
At this time, all I want is to be alone. I’m not sure I want to be around while he works all this out and does his changing. I have my own stuff to deal with and heal. But we both need to be around to look after DS and we can’t afford a second rental home. I am tempted to cut my losses and call time on the relationship. Staying feels like a large risk but would I doing him a disservice? In the context of some of the horrendous things that are reported on this board, this is very minor and a lot of the time things are fine. I’m just not sure I could ever trust this person enough to be vulnerable with them. What to do?