DV judge says, "get over it.. move on"

[junemarie103]

we had a child contact hearing last week. i have looked after my son alone for 10 years and his dad just reappeared a year ago demanding contact. he - with mckenzie friend from fathers for justice - admitted DV but cafcass said it was "historic". I was told by the judge to "move on" and "get over it". father been given a weeks contact every holidays.
I feel completed devastated and ignored, it was yet another totally brutalising experience, actually i feel like ending it all tbh.

Hi June,

I was in court recently, and I also felt that the judge was so keen to be forward-looking that the past got swept under the carpet. The judge mentioned the part where I explained I left to go to arefuge and said "That must have been hard for both of you". It did feel the opposite of validating.

Anyway, focusing on your son, is that week's contact staying contact? That seems a huge jump, going from no contact to a whole week at a time. How old is your son?

June,

it sounds like you have had a really bad experience there, how awful for you.

The only crumb of advice i can offer is to focus only on things that you can control. In this instance the contact is not one of those things so try not to dwell on it, (hard i know). Perhaps trying to plan something for yourself for those periods may help? (even if you don't feel like it anything will be better than being home alone.)

Finally if you are thinking about ending it all seek help. Family, friends or even the samaritans 08457 90 90 90.

thanks OPs.

How does your son feel about this? I know it's awful - I really do, I've been there - but as long as you don't feel he would be a threat to your child, having a relationship with his Dad could be a plus in his life.

I don't know much about legal things, but could you get some free legal advice about appealing the decision?

If you are really determined you could also write to one of the national paper about it to shame the judge. It's pretty nasty, but they love stories like that. It might help put the spotlight on the case.

That's just beyond awful. OP, call Samaritans, relatives, friends ... plase don't let the 'father' of your dear son drive you to despair. It does sound like something the Press would be interested in. Camilla Cavendish of The Times and The Sunday Times would be worth contacting.

How old is your child?

Is the only contact the holiday?

What legal advice have you been given? Can you appeal?

is that including half term? every half term?

Absent for ten years and then awarded 7 days contact during each school holiday? That sounds far too much straight away.

Yes, any DV becomes 'historic' after two years now. It won't hold up in court, and sometimes doesn't even hold up if current, because if it hasn't affected the children, it's irrelevant.

Also, at your child's age, their opinion will very much count. If the courts keep insisting it is all about the child's best interest, then let this child put forward his interest. He may not be happy with the decision made on his behalf.

I must add though, I've noticed a couple of very similar posts to this on other parenting forums recently, which is making me a bit as it all appears a bit Fathers4Justice revenue building trumpet blowing. What is it, between £30-£600 subscription to their website now? ... Just a thought.

From reading the OP I don't think the contact has come out of nowhere - the 'reappeared a year ago demanding contact' bit suggests to me that he has been seeing his son on an informal basis for a year? I would hope that a judge wouldn't hand out a weeks access when the parent is a complete stranger to the child.

It's great to know that Father's for Justice are standing up for the pillars of society. You know, the type of men that beat their wives.

It's like the BNP for Men's Rights.

His dad has come 6 times in 8 years and then had 3 day visits as per the cafcass officer report; one of which I called the police after my son (12 years old) refused to get out of the car, his father shouted at him for an hour, my son started hyperventiliating and then his father attempted to pull him out of the car. He convinced the judge that this was an overreaction and my son was refusing because of "my influence"… and that if he had a weeks holidays he could build his relationship away from "my influence" despite the cafcass officer recommending only one night initially and my son refusing overnight visits ….at least his fathers been stopped from going to his school and its each long holiday only and theres a restraining order stopping him from coming to my house…

Oh dear, that's not good

Sadly these F4J types are well prepared in this sort of thing, happily turning any issue into the mother's fault. Did your son get to speak? I thought that by this age their feelings could be taken into account.

Perhaps if the first visit goes badly you can take it back to court?

Bloody hell, I'm amazed the judge recommended a week if the CAFCASS officer recommended one night only.

How does your son feel about this?

Like Gatorade, in may be best to let the visit go ahead. If it goes okay, well, that's good. If it goes badly, I would be prepared to go to the police if necessary and be ready to go back to court for a variation of the order.

To keep it in perspective, it's only one week a year. Over the next few years, your ds will be getting to the age where nobody can force him to go if he doesn't want to.

I do sympathise - I know exactly how horrible it feels to send a child off to stay with a person you don't trust to treat them well. If you grit your teeth and do it, it may not be as bad as you fear. If it is as bad as you think, you are at least on more solid ground in trying to challenge it. But it's horrible having to wait for your child to possibly be harmed and feel there's so little you can do to prevent it.