how do people cope with this?

[desperatedana]

DH and I are separating after 14 years of marriage. We have one DD, aged 3, conceived after many years of IVF. Marriage has been rocky on and off for years - poor communication issues mainly and a resulting lack of intimacy. DH is also angry and controlling although not physically abusive. This year things came to a head as he changed his mind about going for a second child using stored embryos, we went all the way to South Africa to try again at the same clinic, and he told me he didn't want to go ahead after all. This was after a year of him telling me yes one minute, no the next. It nearly broke me, and after he told me he wanted out, the marriage has broken down completely. We're still living together, but he's taken off his wedding ring and has said he will be moving out next month to rent a flat. My question is: even though things have been pretty bad for a long time, and I have thought about leaving many, many, many times, I feel absolutely devastated about our life crashing round our ears. I feel consumed with guilt for our young son, and how we've failed him, and terrified about the future and what it will bring. I work, but have a low income and my fear is largely about money and being able to buy somewhere to live. I know I sound like a prat but I currently have a very nice house, in a very nice part of town, and a pretty good lifestyle which I will miss terribly. I can't afford to stay where I live, and will be moving somewhere less expensive, so basically I'll be starting again - no friends, no family and no support, although hopefully a fresh start. I'm trying to hold on to my sanity but I honestly feel as if I'm having a breakdown. How do I get through this? We haven't even started on dealing with the finances yet and I know DH will be controlling and aggressive with me. I can't believe we're doing this and I'm absolutely dreading it all. Please can anybody offer any coping strategies or advice on how to manage things? Unfortunately my family aren't close or supportive.

oh god I've just reread my post and it doesn't sound right. I'm just worried sick about making a good life for me and my son and it not being sad or desperate or lonely. lacking confidence about my ability to do that. I've also just spent a demoralising weekend on my own trudging round a city I might move to and feel a bit done in by it all to be honest.

There is nothing wrong with worrying about finances and losing your lovely house. It's normal to worry about these things as well as the others you have listed. I'm sure others will be along with advice but just wanted to wish you well and say dig deep and you will find your inner strength to get you and your DC through this x

From what you say, you are aware that separating is the best course of action under the circumstances. Of course it's a huge shock when that realisation finally hits, but in time you'll look back and realise it was for the best.

For now, the best thing you can do is get a good solicitor to advise you and try and stay calm and detached (easier said than done I know). Just take it a step at a time, it'll feel like a mountain that you have to climb, but gradually your path will become clearer and you'll see all the positives that'll come from moving yourself and your DD to a happier place.

Good luck

Have you seen a solicitor? You will be entitled to some of the equity in your current home and also some savings etc. you don't have to leave the house, it's your right to stay there. Also your husband will pay maintenance. Have a google of the tax credit calculator. This will tell you how much help you will get from the government for you and your son. Or a site called turn2us can give you an estimate too.

Do you mean you have no friends or that when you move you won't have any friends nearby?

If you have no friends and you say your husband is controlling, I would guess he is the reason for that. If I am right, then you have many friendships to look forward to in the future and possibly some past friendships to be resumed.

You don't have to buy your own place you can rent which means you could stay in your area. You'll be entitled to some of the equity in your home which you could use as a deposit if you really want to buy.

Entitledto.co.uk will give you a pretty good estimate of what benefits you'll be entitled to based on income, rent, childcare etc. You'll also get maintenance for your ds.

Thank you everyone for replying. Yes I'm just trying to take one step at a time, I keep trying to tell myself it will all feel terrible, it's to be expected. But I know I'm getting really overwhelmed, I can't shut out very negative thoughts about the future when I should be trying to focus on the positives. Also feel v intimidated by exDH, it's awful living with someone who despises you, my self esteem is zero which probably doesn't help. I know he's going to be a nightmare about money, and I don't want to be weak as I feel I've got to fight for my son's cause. Feel I've got to be one step ahead all the time as he's so manipulative so I'm wearing myself out with all the various possibilities

Oh, do look forward, OP, it is amazing when you get your self-confidence back and realise that you are not the person your Ex convinced you you were.

I had several periods of long unemployment when my dd was small and I would always think I wouldn't even know how to organise myself to get into work in the morning, but all these things are like riding a bike. Same with your feelings that you won't be able to manage.

You don't sound like a prat at all, you sound sensible and strong. It's natural to have nerves when you're facing such a big life change, but if he's moving out next month, then you can count the days til he's gone and you have your own space.

Try to find something to do for yourself each week from now until he moves out - just going for a walk and a coffee, a gym class - anything to give yourself some breathing space and something you can look forward to. Does your DS go to a toddler group or nursery? Make an effort to smile and say hello to another mum and see if you can't develop a friendship there and maybe have a coffee together sometime. You'll be surprised how friendly and supportive other people can be when you stop and make an effort with them.

For your son's sake, it would be better to try and keep things amenable with your H. Can you broach the subject of the flat with him? Show an interest and emphasize that your son will benefit from having parents who can sort out their separation with as little animosity as possible - a tall order I know - but it does sound as if he's already acknowledged that the relationship is over. Hopefully he'll also be concerned for your son's wellbeing.

OP just some handholding and for you, I can really relate to your fears that your exH will act despicably and how much trepidation that generates. Stand strong and reach out - on MN and in RL - and you will find so many amazing, wonderful women who will support you. You don't have to do it alone, and you can learn from others' experience to give you the tools and perspective you will need to weather this storm. There is also the wonderful prospect to look forward to of freeing yourself from a controlling, nasty b**rd - you will be well rid of him, so the work you are going to be putting in has a wonderful reward at the end of it!...xx

Oh god, yr situation sounds so similar to mine, over 3 yrs ago i walked in to my DP telling me they had been having an affair for a year and our marriage was over.

Within a week i was in a rented house, skint, no friends and at the start of a nervous breakdown.

Fast forward 3 years
I have my own smaller but (to me at least) beautiful and most importantly happy house.
I have shared care of my kids, its fab, they're happy, and we didn't fail them (a huge worry for me too!)
I have a wide circle of friends, lots of activities and hardly enough time to squeeze all my stuff in.
My mental health is great. I have found out so much about myself.
Still a bit skint but it really is unimportant.
I have a fab other half who may very well be a keeper!!!
I even get on alright with the ex!

So i hope this hows you things can work out, heres my top tips for making it through.

1. It will take longer than you expect to get over it. (sorry)
2. Get a great counsellor. (mine saved my life!!)
3. Focus on the things over which you have control.
4. Live your life and behave in a way in which means you can look yourself in the eye everyday.
5. Work really hard to make friends and develop interests, even when you don't feel like it.
6. its ok to focus on your own happiness.
7. Shower your kids with love, they will survive this.

good luck we're with you!

wonderful advice, getthefeckouttahere

Thanks everyone, all such warm positive responses and good advice, you've all helped. Thank you. I think it really is the financial side that's my main concern - I know the marriage died a while ago so I won't miss him so much as the idea of him, and the whole thing of being in a marriage, settled and that feeling of security, however old fashioned that sounds. The world feels like a scary place at the ripe old age of 43 with a young child and not much money. Things can always be far far worse I know and my problems sound minor compared to some, I remind myself of that but it's still bloody awful and hard.

getthefeck what a great post, couldn't have put it better myself.

desperate I was in the same situation and worried about the same things. But, like feck, 3.5 years on and I am unbelievably more happy and content than I'd been for years before DDay - so it will happen for you too.

I do think you need a consultation with a solicitor though. It won't all go your H's way, he will need to play his financial part and that, if necessary, will be decided by the court. But, honestly, it probably won't get to that. We managed, even through all the anger and bitter feelings, to work something out which was fair.

Find a counsellor or a therapist in your area who will take a fee based on your earnings if you can't access the right help through your GP. It will help you. Good luck.

desperatedana You can ask for counselling on the NHS via your GP and it will cost you nothing. It was one of the first things I did. Same old story - ExH walked out on me presumably because our marriage has been dead in the water for years (news to me!) and was shacked up fairly quick with OW. And you know what I did on that first visit to the counsellor? I bawled my eyes out crying how I had no idea how I was going to cope and in a mad panic about the house (we had just bought our 'dream' house 18 months earlier on a MASSIVE mortgage).

He moved out last April. Just 14 months on, I have met someone unexpectedly and he adores the bones of me. I have very little faith in marriage anymore (about to file for absolute from the Ex) but I love being with my partner, he has done wonders to support me. I am taking each day as it comes. I had to go FT with my work (after working PT for about 3 years) but unexpectedly as well, a very challenging but interesting proposition has come up with work, which could mean I may be able to buy out my Ex in a few years' time with my own hard-earned money. If that doesn't happen, I will just buy a smaller house when the time comes. I really did not expect any of the above to happen but it did. I am now very civil to my Ex but I actually feel sorry for OW. She has been fed a story by the Ex and I think she will realise just how naive she has been while I feel like I have been literally given a second chance in life (Ex was a bit of a cold fish who did not like engaging with the DC).

My last counselling session my therapist reminded me of how far I had come (the bawling mess I was to someone quietly confident and working her way through stuff) and I was amazed at my own strength. Take your time and take all the support you can get. You will need it but one day, you will turn round and think this is the best thing that has ever happened to you. Lots of women have been through it and the better for it! You also learn with relationship what you no longer have to put up with and less likely to put up with idiots! It hasn't been easy and there were dark days and nights where I thought 'HOW am I going to carry on?" but those days are getting fewer and fewer... :)