Modern day relationship problem please lets share

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

My partner of 3 years stays 4 nights with me but still has his place, we have talked about moving in together and he is thinking about it, in the meantime I have just moved to my dream home, I have two children 18 and 7 and I earn 4 times more than DP. We have agreed we will both pay for the furniture and have a say in how we decorate my/our bedroom.

How would you go about sharing costs considering, I own the house, earn more and have a lot of clothes to fit in to my dream walk in wardrobe? I would like him to feel involved but I also need to be fair. He is happy to do the decorating, and he doeas a lot of work round the house.pleas make some suggestions ?

That's brilliant Katie. You left him alone to make the choice and he has obviously been thinking about it a lot. If you had pressured him into it, things could have backfired. So he is now ready to take this next step. Are you happy?

My husband and I rent a home, since his went with the divorce and i lived in a housing association house (result of being a teen mum, silly me).
He earns a lot more than me, but this is complicated by the fact that he pays a lot of maintenance and has a significant commuting/overnight cost with his job (he works away at our expense).
So the way we do it is that we have all the expenses, including food, coming out of one account. We divide that amount by the total of our joint income and then each multiply it up by our own income. Then we pay that amount into the account. In practice, this means that he pays 2/3rds of the costs, even though he is only 1/3rd of the mouths (his own kids tend to be here a lot but rarely seem to eat!).
That, though, is the easy bit!
It's all the other considerations that we both find very hard.
For example, if he dies, his estate will be worth £300k (insurance). We've agreed that this will be divided 3 ways - one quarter for me, one quarter for each of his three kids.
However, when i die, my death in service benefit will only add up to £80k. I want the whole lot to go to my mother, to be secured for my son (or at least to provide for him while she brings him up). I don't have the kind of relationship with his kids as he has with my son. And although it might be fairer to do the same thing as he has done, i'm not happy with 3/4 of my money going to kids that i might never see again if he dies. Am i selfish here? Is he too generous?
It will get even more complicated when we buy a house! He earns more, so should the house be divided equally between the kids? Or should half eventually come to my son and half be divided between his three kids. He prefers the former, because he says all the kids should be treated equally, but i am struggling with this.
Then there is university. His ex only works part time and her bf can't be bothered at all. So his three kids will all get a large grant to pay for university. My son will not, but would have done if i had lived on my own. My husband has said that he will make up the difference but has said that if other people start giving my son money (my father has suggested he might pay a couple of hundred a month) then its only fair that the amount my husband pays should reduce, because he is, in effect, taking money that he would otherwise give to his own kids to give to mine.
The real problem is that, aside from everyday expenses, we disagree as to the definition of fair. He says he wants to treat all the kids equally and certainly that is what he does today. But i struggle with the idea that his kids should benefit from my death, or that my son should lose out if my parents decide to help him through university.
I guess the answer is there is no answer. The good news is that at least we don't argue about it.

Hello Bindibach and Jamie, Bindi, I am very happy whilst on the other he said try, I am slightly anxious, the whole thing is becoming real now. Best find a solicitor quick! I have said we try it for three weeks before making the this it decision... Considering it has taken this long, I am amazed he did not take me up on the October offer, that would have given him a few more weeks of being a semi bachelor.

Jamie, that is complicated but honest, your husband is clearly generous, but that's his decision not yours. If you want your son to inherit all your money then that's fine too, it's your decision.

Considering your husband is so generous, I would not worry about less contribution to your sons university. Let him what he feels is fair to contribute.

Look after that generous husband of yours.

Katie I see what you mean about him "trying" it. That would make me anxious too. The only experience I have of men being like that is when they really were not wanting to commit to me and keeping their options open. I moved on from them and found a man who wanted to be with me every single day and misses me when we are apart. He wouldn't want to be without me and I him. Been together nearly 30 years now.

I totally agree, the think is when he is not here, he is on the phone to me. He never sleeps without speaking to me. He is here Thursday to Sunday. Team sport training Monday after work, gets to his at about 11-12 pm. Calls me then back here Tuesday. Competition night is Wednesday evenings gets to his around 11-12pm calls me then it's Thursday and he is back here.

I know he is at the sports club those nights because we met there and his team mates and wives are all known to me.

Do you go there regularly? Do you see his friends and family?

Oh yes, it's just next to my house, I have keys to his place too. We have no trust issues.

im guessing he is older?

Well I think its down to you really. What do you think is the best thing for you now given that he has said he will move in and try it out? Understandably you feel a little taken aback by the try bit. I would too. What does your gut tell you? What would you tell your daughter if she were in the same situation?

No he is not older he is the same age as me, difference is he has never been married and I am divorced. I think the try bit was just a wy of bringing up the subject, so I will try not to dwell on it. I would advise my daughter to be paient and hang on to a man she loved, especially that he is good man,loving, even tempered, tall, very well qualified snd sporty.

They seem difficult to find, particularly at our ripe old age of 39

Well there you go Just take it one day at a time and be happy. If he is happy and enjoys it why would he ever want to leave.