drugs and alcohol

[reabann]

Been trying to get the father of my children to understand and accept he has a problem with drinking and smoking cannibis. Ive tried everything. I told him I would go to solicitor and draft up an agreement so that he either gets proffessional help willingly and he has my full support and will be able to see children with supervision of a trusted family member in the hope in time we could re unite as a proper family unit or he doesnt see the children until he can give me proof that he has completed rehabilitation,(I have also suggested mediation centre) his response to that was that hed rather not see the children at all, they will come looking for him when theyre older if they want. I am totally shocked and deeply saddened at this response to my offer of support and wondered if anyone has gone through similar and had advice or support on this. We were together nearly six years and I have tried everything, I just dont feel it would be right for my children to see much more. Please help.

The way you have phrased your post doesn't make it sound like you've offered any support at all. You've made threats to not let him see his children unless he agrees to your demands. That's not the way open negotiation really works.

If his relationship with alcohol and cannabis is more important to him than being able to see his children then there's nothing whatsoever you can do about it. He's already told you that it is.

Over the years I have tried to get him to see a GP, when he has gambled a whole weeks wages ive not gone at him, when hes woken up at somebodys house and not sure where he is ive helped him, ive cleaned up after him, we always had a great communication but he cant talk to anyone about why he does what he does. I dont know what else to do, I dont want the children to see any more of it but I love him dearly and hes literally wasting away, I cant bare to see him like this, hes killing himself. Nothing scares him enough to want to do anything about it, or is that what I should do? Walk away? What would you recommend about seeing the children?

You seem to enable him OP. You clean up after him. Kick him out and stop letting your children see this. Tough love is the only way to go. If he cleans himself up then access through a contact centre or a relative.

I asked him to leave back in february and I thought in time hed miss us and realised what he could lose, I feel a great sense of loss over him and cry over him still, the heart ache I feel makes me feel physically ill, tough love is the way to go and my children absolutely come first, but I desperately dont want him to kill himself and I really do want him to get better, I think deep down hes not going to budge and thats what hurts, I really thought we would be enough. Gutted.

I agree, focus on youself and your children. You can't be responsible for him, his addiction comes first. Just sort yourself out.

What would I do? Stop running around after him like his mother and chuck him out. I can't imagine the damage it's doing to you children witnessing his appalling behaviour.

He can come and see them only when he's sober, otherwise he can fuck off.

It worries me about seeing them as hes got very clever at lying and hiding things, and I dont know if hes got anything in his system. Thanks for your advice when I tried to ask him to meet up and talk about things, his exact response was 'dont bother, I love you to bits but you have blown it' he has this incredible ability to turn tables. I feel very sad.

My mother was and alcoholic OP and im not going to prattle on about what I saw. Don't put your children through that, they will keep you strong. This man is hell bent on killing himself anyway. Do what is right, let him do that away from them.

He doesn't love you or his children, he loves himself more and his next bottle of booze.

My father was an alcoholic also. I dont drink alcohol as a result. So when he started drinking after my daughter was born it sent me into meltdown, since hes been drinking I have suffered sever anxiety and have medication for it, I feel a mixture of emotions towards him, resentment I suppose for the toll its taken on me. But I love him and am fustrated as in my heart I know he doesnt want to be saved. It scares me about getting over him, im only 29 but have three children and I worry that he was the one, and ive lost him, I dont want to be on my own forever. Hes coming over to see the children for fathers day but only because ive asked him. Im dreading it. Last time I saw him was last saturday morning he said Im popping it out for an hour and I will come by and see the kids, he never came, he was spotted on a pub crawl out of his face. I get angry at myself for loving him so much.

Popping out lol not popping it out. Silly me.