Moving in together

[Thatslife72]

Just wondering how long you guys were together before you took the brave decision to move in together? It's complicated with my dp there are children involved on both sides, both of us live in different towns children settled in different schools. But have discussed we could compromise and live in the middle. Just I feel seeing him 2 nights a week is not enough after 2 years I feel I need a bit more security, how long did you wait ?

IMO I can't see how moving in together gives you security. It just means you are living in the same house. Are you thinking of buying together? If you are after greater security then surely the next step is marriage? This is just my opinion though.

Well it doesn't give financial security I agree, not sure I want to get married yet I want to try living together first that's just me, I mean emotional security, we get on very well I feel loved etc etc just 2 nights a week isn't enough for me I personally would like to come home to him have someone to support me etc, fed up of being a single mum basically and I really think he's the one, I'm hovering for some reason though do I know a person after 2 years ?

I think that a need for security is not best reason to make a move like this. It is so complicated with 'blended families' and it has to be a very definite decision by both adults that being together all the time is the best and only way to manage your relationship, and is going to be completely manageable for all the children involved.

To deal with the complexities of all the children sharing the same house, possibly moving away from schools and friends (or having to travel), on top of the discussions that you and your dp will need to have about sharing finances, managing discipline, and adapting to living with each others' habits - that should be something you do FROM a very secure place, not to achieve it.

Hmmm So what do you do then live separately forever? Split up cos it's not an ideal situation, hope you meet someone else one day that is local, what reason should you have to move in together? The kids get on well, we get on well we've had family holidays it's surely the next step if not what is? I am actually interested in others opinions that's why I posted so I'd like to know. I don't want to live on my own anymore simple and dp feels the same

And how do you get a secure place without living together and sorting it all out anyway? Already complicated lol

I've waited five years, still waiting, still content to wait. We are doing what works for us now.

Hmm see it's not working for me trolls !

Trolls?

Sorry... Just realised you were talking to another poster...

I waited until I was married until I moved in with DH. I think I treated the relationship differently than if I hadn't already had dc, because it was important for me to feel that we were legally protected and part of one family unit, with all the changes it would mean for my dc. We were together for 4 years when we got engaged and married a year after that.

I think it would have been problematic if we'd moved in without being married tbh, especially as my dc's bio dad isn't involved. DH sometimes looks after them when I'm popping out and he has parental responsibility, which he couldn't have if we were just co-habiting. But in some ways the law puts you at a disadvantage when you move in without being married, e.g. you're forced to combine finances for tax credits, child benefit etc and it can be hard to feel committed to shared finances if you're not married and don't have children together. Just read the step-parents issues on here! So just moving in gives you all the disadvantages of cohabiting but none of the security of marriage.

You have to be extra cautious when children are involved as you're uprooting them, adding extra family members to the household which can create tensions and potentially jeopardising their security and happiness if it all goes wrong.

Do you have similar parenting styles? Similar routines? Do you share the same attitude toward money and budgeting? Housework? Would you be able to afford somewhere with enough space for each family member? It's easy to like someone when you're seeing them twice a week, you're seeing the best side of each other. It's different when you're living together, parenting together, on top of each other, dealing with the stresses of everyday life and if it turns out you have different values or personality clashes between family members, life can quickly become very unpleasant.

I think moving in with someone because you're lonely is a terrible reason tbh. Could you try staying with each other over a couple of weeks during the summer holidays and see how you get along and whether you're compatable, try that a few times over the next year, talk about everything that could concievably be an issue and if everyone's happy, you could slowly merge your families.

Tread carefully though, it's easy enough to move in with someone but it can be very hard to leave.

People move in together for all sorts of reasons. Yours seem as valid to me as anybody else's.

My concern is yr children. (and his) They will be up rooted from their friends/activities/people and places they know for no obvious benefit to them. I'm not sure how you sell this to them. (all of this assumes that they think yr fella and his kids are fab enough to want to live with them) Have you asked them about this? TBH i think this is the real deal breaker, i know that i couldn't do that to my kids (and nor would they want me to. They are very rooted in the small town we live in.) Knowing this i only dated people very local, knowing that if we were ever to get to the moving in stage it would at least be a possibility.

How long have you been seeing each other?

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't uproot my children from their schools for anyone.

I might make the decision to do so if I felt they were going to benefit as much as me, but I'm not sure that a 'blended' family really is ever in the children's best interests. I think that it's a decision adults make because it's what they want to do. Some adults realise it's not going to be easy for the children and do a good job of managing the transition, others expect the children just to fall in because it's what they (the adults) want.

I know I'm not alone in this, but the thought of moving in with someone else, accommodating them and their children, compromising where there are differences, conflicts where compromises can't be reached...

Well, I can't think of anything worse! Give me seeing someone twice a week over that any day! In fact, I think even seeing someone twice a week would feel like too much when I consider the children and all the other things I have going on...

Not directing this at you personally, OP, but I do wonder why some people are so keen to do this.

Post over on the Step parenting board - there will be loads of support on there.

I found it very useful when I was living with my ex.

My ex moved in with me and my 2 DS after 8 months and we bought a house together 4 months later. He had 2 DD who stayed with us 3 weekends out of 4. We had some good times and some shit times too over the nearly 6 years we were together as a family.

If there had been no children involved we would probably still be together because as a couple we were pretty good!

We had completely different parenting styles and that was the cause of our relationship breakdown! He's a very strict, angry, quite controlling person, whereas I'm quite laid back. He ended up being really unkind to my boys particularly when DS14 hit the teenage years and his own kids began refusing to stay.

If you buy together and you have equity in your current property make sure that is ring fenced in the eventuality of a split, at least you can walk away with your equity.

I totally understand your reasons as they were mine too - I wanted family life with him but you need to discuss so much together beforehand! And you might not be able to predict what the issues will be until they actually happen!

Oh I'm not uprooting schools for either of them either is he!!! I said we would most likely be living in the middle of both our towns so they wouldn't be uprooted but would be 10 minutes away as opposed to 2 mins.

I am not lonely at all that's not what I said at all! Very independant, financially etc I have friends , I just like having him around more and it is very difficult sometimes being a single mum on your own with no family, noone will understand that unless they have done it. However I'm not saying I would want to live with any old wanker for that reason we have lived on our own for 5 years, so I'm not desperate and I certainly don't think it's a terrible reason to want to live together !!!!! I love the guy and he is good for us, all the kids get on apart from the odd occasion, though I know that could be different when living together, we would be able to afford a house were they would all have a room. Myself and dp have very simular parenting styles the kids really like him his kids like me. Blended families are not easy we both know that and have discussed till you can't discuss anymore!!! We have a very strong relationship , I didn't really want to defend myself as I know all the bad points about living with someone thank you, I just was curious to know how long others were together for before taking the plunge!!

I know all the financial issues too I've looked into everything and can support myself, but I really think he's the one for us which I haven't felt before, and wereas blended families are difficult it works for plenty and it didn't work for me and their dad as he apparently couldn't cope with family life ! Charming! So it will most likely be another year or so before bit actually happens, I was just interested to hear others experiences and of course I'm nervous about it as I want it to work for ever and me and the kids to be happy. Seeing my dp twice a week isn't working for us and we all want more including the kids ! Thanks though for your replies ...

Oh looby44 thanks for your post I can see exactly what you mean, and is difficult time to find the right one when it comes to children, believe me I known only too well I won't go into why, but yeh I think I have posted in the wrong place as step families is a different matter completely .

Folkgirl I don't agree with a lot u said not all blended families are like that. I had a step dad I had a very happy childhood and 2 dads that loved me with extra family but I've also seen adults put themselves first and not considered children and it's all a nightmare, but I don't believe it can't work and I certainly would not want to live with someone who had extreme differences to me he really is a good guy and good for us all so I'm not just doing it for me. God I think the word of his children too, I've no doubt there will be times I won't think that lol but I really think it can work and life us just too short !!!!

I suppose we're all different, Thatslife. I'm probably in the never say never camp really, but I'm also on my own with 2 children and no family. Neither of my parents is on the scene (one dead, NC with the other) and both of them were only children. No grandparents either. So no one (apart from my brother who, although I'm close to, don't often see.

But even considering all that, I can't imagine moving someone with children into our lives to that degree. I have a child free boyfriend who I see alternate weekends when the children are with their dad. It's just right.

Perhaps I just had such a bad experience with my ex that I don't want to repeat it, I don't know, but the thought of bringing someone into our lives fills me with dread to be honest.

And I wasn't even talking about step parents, I was thinking more about 'blended' families were both adults have children who will need to be integrated into each other's lives too. My exH is my son's 'stepfather' and a better dad than his biological father has ever been!

I do hope it works out well for you, whatever you decide to do and however you manage it

My partner and I have discussed this and we both want to live together rather than 90 mins apart. He has his (5 & 8) kids one week out of 2 and lives with us (8 & 9) the other week. So as far as we can predict we are looking at living together when my eldest is 15 and goes to lycée. Some 5 years hence! She'll be changing schools then and will have a far greater choice of good schools so it makes sense. It gives him time to finish restoring his house and adding 4 bedrooms! However I'm unlikely to sell my house even then. Rent it out probably.
All I'm saying in a very long winded way is that planning for our future and building it (literally) slowly is a good next step for us. In the mean time who knows what fate will throw at us.

Ah thanks Folkgirl, I do actually completely understand what you've just said, and yes we're all different I felt like you at one time I really did, as I've got older and met someone who does treat me right I have changed my mind and opinion.

I did have a bf who tried to impose his thoughts and rules on me bloody ridiculous ones that I certainly couldn't live with and he just had to go, he wanted my kids to be in their room at 5pm every evening (they were 4 and 6 then ) as he needed chill time! I told him were he could go he could sit in his room or go somewhere to chill, other really ridiculous rules and in the end he just had to go!!! I swore that was it I would never let someone in our lives again, 3 years later I met this guy completely different! I still didn't think I would want to live anyone and either did he tbh but things change. I'm not denying I'm a bit nervous about the whole thing, it's not doubts it's just experience and cautiousness, I will make sure my children one way or another. You take care, I really understand how hard it is on your own with no support network so I take my hat off to you x

Wallypops that sounds like your both amazing parents and considering your kids. And at least you get a week were you can live together and see if you get on etc, good luck with everything again everyone has a way of making things work for them, it's just for me 2 nights a week isn't enough for us anymore x

Thats I have been with DP three years and love snuggling up at night with him. We very much want to share a home. Two nights a week wouldnt be enough for me either.
We have 3DC each but they are all grown up, youngest is 17 and stays every weekend with his DF.

After taking 5 of the DC away on holiday to see if they got on we are buying a huge house together. (We didn't think it would work for me to live with him in his house as my DC would never feel it was their home).
We move in two weeks and I am very excited but full of trepidation. He is a messy beggar and I am leaving the town I brought my kids up in for twenty years to live 15 miles down the road.

Could you look at rental properties so you could test drive things for a year or so?

We have been together 3 years, I have 2 dc's and he has none, why are trying living together this summer, currently spend 4 nights together.

I'm in a similar situation to op. We are going for it. We don't live far apart, but can't really find a reason not to live together.
We've discussed it with each child ( my 3, his 2) and wouldn't have progressed unless each was happy. Have decorated spare room for his two to come eow, yes they have to share, as they do at his current house.
Each situation is different. No way would i be happy with 2 nights a week either, I adore waking up with him, spending our evenings together (we exercise and cook most eve s) and going to bed together. He's my best friend - can't wait until we do it! Soon, very soon!
Good luck op!