Husband had an affair - please offer advice

[Believe123]

Hi, I am brand new to this board and unsure what to say or where to start.

We have a gorgeous one year old and I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for 2. I met him when I was 17.

We've had a rocky few years with our little ones health and my mil health plus lots of other problems.

In April my husband told me he wasn't happy. He couldn't tell me why.

I did everything I could to try and improve the relationship yet his behaviour was abnormal and he didn't appear happier.

I found out he was having an affair with a married woman that he works with. I only found out because her husband found out. He has told me it is over.

I want to give it another go. I want it to work. He said his head is completely messed up and he doesn't know what he wants or what to do.

Please help. I feel so upset and emotionally drained.

Thanks

Make a camomile tea, have a hot shower and go to bed. Deal with this mess in the morning.

I wouldn't really take him back, and I definitely would not spend time trying to appease him.

Sorry this is happening to you. (((())))))

I always said I would leave straight away but I can't... I love him and I want our little family unit to work :-(

Or always said he would leave.... Either way I can't face it :-/

Sounds like you were quite young when you met him.

So i would say - get mad at him, get angry at him, kick him out.

Then put your own life together - get a new job/career/hobby/friends/makeover/new clothes/fitness thing etc

and watch him come crawling back and decide if he is still what you want.

"he doesn't know what he wants or what to do" but you "want to give it another go" sounds all the wrong way round. Reading between the lines, it sounds like maybe he is in love with the OW. Sorry to say that.

It only has a chance of working if he knows exactly what he wants, and fights for it.
He doesn't know if he wants you? That means he doesn't, and he's trying to avoid looking like the bad guy (well, an even worse guy!) by saying it.
Plus... I guess this means the OW has called it off because of her husband. Or their marriage is over but actually she doesn't want your H permanently.
So he doesn't want all the hassle of divorce without a "reason".
He's not still there from love, I'm sorry.
If he loved you, he would know what he wanted and be begging you for forgiveness.
I'm sorry - that's all a bit cruel to be kind. Nasty little shits like him get away with (and repeat) this behaviour because we try so hard to keep our families together. 99/100, they're not worth it.
I strongly believe the 1/100 that might survive (properly survive, not limp badly on) start with a man who can say - I know what I want, it is YOU and I will do anything to win you back.

My ex had an affair, it's why we split up. I'm not going to say you should split up or not, but I will say it's really important to take care of yourself. I went into shock and ended up very depressed and bitter, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Get some support. Xxx

Surely, he no longer has the choice, so what he wants to do is irrelevant.

In similar cirucmstances, I kicked my cheating husband out and didn't look back. I'm so much happier now...

If you make it too easy for him he won't ever fight to get you back and he won't value you.
I'm not sure why you would want him back - he fucked another woman while making you jump through hoops to please him because you thought he 'wasn't happy' - it's all so tawdry and predictable. Still, if you have a hope of regaining some self respect and dignity in this relationship you have to kick him out and mean it. If he feels what he has lost he will do everything he can to prove to you he's worth it. Otherwise he will carry on as he is doing, disrespecting you and keeping an eye out for the next shag on the side.

Try not to make any decisions in the first bit of the horrible shock.

Would he leave for a while whilst you process this information and really think about what sort of future you want, and whether he can still be any part of this. For remember - he is not the man you thought he was. Until you work out what kind of man he is (now you know he will betray you to this extent and is an extremely capable liar)

I've never found something so hard in my whole life.

He says he wants to be with me but I'm not sure he does

He says he doesn't know what he wants-this means he's waiting to see how things pan out with OW, if she fucks him off you'll do.

Have a root around for a bit of self esteem & a pinch of self respect & take this option out of his hands. He's a fucking knob jockey that deserves neither you or your child. Show him the door.

It doesn't sound very promising if he's the one that doesn't know what he wants. You can either wait until he does know what he wants or tell him to leave. I think after his behaviour he has a nerve. He should be shown the door

It's only over because the OW H found out--otherwise he would be continuing to lie and cheat. I would suggest he is still with you because OW and her H are still together and his sordid alternative life has been revealed.
Of course he doesn't know what to do--OW does not want him so he plays the "confused card" to buy him time -to keep you anxious desperate for him to chose you.
Ask him to leave at least for a few days until you can really process what you want to do. Take the choice away from him, everything now should be on your terms. Let him see what he has potentially chucked away for a few cheap shags, he should be begging forgiveness at his stage but he appears to be a bit ambivalent.

My stbxh told me 8 months ago he wasnt sure how he felt about us. He moved out a month later although wasnt breaking up with me, he just wanted space. 6 months later he moved back in for a month and he ended it for good last week. I feel relief. I really wanted our family unit to stay together but I know its for the best. Just as he moved back in I found out he'd had feelings for a work colleague (which I suspect was an affair at some point) and the entire time he was back I was so insecure it made me so unhappy. If your relationship is going to work he really needs to want it so that he tries. My stbxh didn't and that just made things worse. Good luck and dont forget, a life different to what you planned is not necessarily worse, it could work out for the best. Xxx

Hi!

My husband filed for divorce six and a half weeks ago after twenty years of marriage. It was a total shock. I have spent many a day in tears just wishing to have my life back, but it isn't going to come back, even if he 'saw sense'.

You are in the first 24 hours. Just cry your heart out love. Just fucking scream about the unfairness of it all. I didn't tell anyone for two weeks, and the first person I told was my now solicitor. In hindsight, that was a mistake. Get people around you now. I tried counselling as well but sadly didn't click with my counsellor. Luckily an acquaintance, has become my number one pal as I learn to live with what's happened. Pay someone to listen, or if that's not possible, tell people - people will drag you out for coffee and let you cry your heart out to them. Embarrassing, but an important part of the dealing with it.

Do not let him make this a dirty little secret.

Not today, but later, imagine a future with that person. Could you ever trust them again? What about his constant unhappiness? It's draining. It is easy to imagine that it can all be fixed but you didn't break him. He broke you. He has to fix this because only he can. If he can't, you should be the brave one and walk away from the coward.

Your self-esteem will be through the floor right now, and will remain there for some time. That, I think is my second piece of advice. Find things that distract you, perhaps make you feel distracted, or comforted, or dare I say, give you pleasure. Find things that will get you out of the house and doing things. Talk to people, do activities. These will all help you build up your sense of independence. Find your selfish gene!

I have no doubt that times are so hard for you now, and you'll be very frightened of the future. I am still scared each day, full on terrified at times, but what is helping me is to build a little dream of my future, where I am back to my best: happy and independent. It's too soon for you to do that, but rest assured I have met so many successful women whose biggest mistake in life was selecting a shit husband. You aren't alone, and his mistake, will ultimately your mistake.

And if nothing else, write him angry letters that you never send!