Hb had an affair and I am keeping him

[SaffyStraw]

My partner of 11 years (married 1 year) had an affair. He says he is depressed and stressed by work, around Easter he changed his behaviours and I knew something was going on. Two weeks later I told my friend and two weeks after that I came down in the morning to find his normally locked iPad unlocked. I looked, I found the evidence I needed. Two days later I sent him a text whilst he was on a work do, she was there too he then lied to her, slept with he and then told her I knew. He didn't come home until following afternoon and admitted to one encounter. Eventually with my pressure and finding more emails he admitted to six month relationship but only met/slept with her seven times. He blamed the depression and said he was in his own bubble of woe-is-me. I love him, I want him ... Have spent the last four weeks talking, making love and checking his emails, calls, etc. I have put her in a box in the loft (metaphorically speaking) and I can contain her. It is not the physical act I have trouble with but the words I have read. In all fairness neither said they loved each other, he just said he had strong feelings of want, desire for her which were different to how he felt about me. Since then we have reconnected and he says whilst down he thinks he was on an ego-trip. He is going to start counselling next week but he also is going back to work, where inevitably he will see her. Am I a fool? He says we are good, he loves me and never wanted to leave me. I still wake in middle of night and check everything for contact none since 27 May. Am I a fool to believe in our relationship or do I make ready for it to happen again? Any past experiences of this appreciated.

OP I just skimmed the PP's and sorry if someone already mentioned Chump Lady (it's early and I just got up) but please please visit the Chump Lady site - read her blog on discovery and untangling the skein of fuckupness. You might not like or believe what she says but I'll bet you recognise it.

Sorry he's done this.

Telling him he has to rebuild you ... is very telling.
You're saying be the strong one and put me back together again. Only you can do that and you're handing over to him a challenge he couldn't possibly meet, you want proof that he cares enough to put you back together, that is something that only belongs to you, he wouldn't have a clue what that may entail and neither should you ever expect anyone to do that, you can't do the "I'm spent, empty, fill me up again" thing to anybody in life cos the only thing we ever have at any time is ourselves. It's such a hard thing to recover from an affair and when it happened to me the bond of trust was broken and I couldn't reconcile that with a genuine future for us, but I hope it works out differently for you OP, it's so painful.

Reconciliation after an affair is a very hard path to choose, with very uncertain outcomes.

He has not yet begun counselling, so you can have no certainty that he will actually learn from this experience. If he does not, then you will be in a very uncertain situation indefinitely. Please do not let a wish for things all to be OK remove your normal ability to assess whether something is really happening.

And you need to remember that your marriage will never go back to how it was. You would benefit from counselling too. You need to be sure what you want in your marriage, and strong enough to really see if he can offer it.

I think you need to ask him to prepare his CV and start job hunting.

akaWisey is right. When EXDH threw my happy life on the floor and pissed on it I found Chump Lady a great help.

You don't need to hate someone to let go of them.

You need to love yourself.

Think first if you are happy, if he contributes toward that happiness, or if you are unsure about him.

Btw, the title makes it sound like you're keeping a pet. Is this a relationship you are thinking about or victory over the other woman?

You are doing the humiliating dance of pick me.

I understand why you want to stay but the approach you have taken is the wrong one. He needs to feel the consequences and do all the hard work in addressing his issues and flaws and in helping you recover.

This isn't happening it seems from your posts

Oh OP, come on, don't fall for the 'depression' bullshit. How many men blame their cheating and lying on depression? Because they cant take responsibility for their own actions, its a cop out and a load of baloney, was he crying with depression when he was sleeping with somebody else? I doubt it.

Don't be taken for a fool OP

If I'd found Chump Lady or MN when I was in exactly the same position as you OP the outcome would have been the same but I wouldn't have ended up as the one suffering (really suffering) from depression whilst ex h fucked up and around with OW's. Don't rely on counselling to sort this one out.

I went to be last night wishing I hadn't started this thread, but this morning I have re-read all your responses and bloody hell your right. He is sleeping soundly upstairs while I continue to prowl around in the early hours, he hasn't begged, he has said sorry once and fucked me on numerous occasions - he seems to have it all his own way - again! What a chump (yes have referred to Chump Lady), I will get through today with my mask on and tonight when the Little Uns have gone to bed will tell him exactly what I think, no more let's make this work - it will be hard but I am strong and have been taken for a fool ... Again. B@llocks this is ridiculous.

Good news saffy, it's so hard to get your own thoughts straight though isn't it?

I spent months (years!) lurching from wanting to make it work & forget about what exh had done, and hating him and wanting to split. If we hadn't had children it would have been a much easier decision.

In my experience, once you lose trust in someone you never get it back. It doesn't matter how much you try to forgive, go to counselling, rekindle romance etc (that's if he can even be bothered to do the same) you can never ever really forget what happened. It will eat you up inside for years and you will become bitter.

Whenever something goes wrong in the future you'll think about it. You'll question what he's doing all the time. You'll check his phone. Even if you never find anything you'll still worry about it.

You might ever say any of this out loud but it will be in your head and it will never go away. I ended up depressed myself because of it. It's a horrible way to live.

Please for your own sanity think hard about whether you can ever get over this. The alternative is hard but it's not impossible. Remember that what has happened is HIS FAULT. It's not yours. You have not done anything wrong yet it's you who is pacing the floor in a state of massive stress, while he's snoring away without a care.

If you forgive him he'll do it again because he knows he can get away with it. You've let him stay so he thinks everything will continue as normal and won't give it a second thought.

Good luck. There are many many women here who know exactly how you feel and will guide you through your own emotions. Ultimately you will do what you think is best for your family but don't ever forget that YOU are the most important person here and your children need a mum who is confident and strong. Forgiving him may destroy that.

Well there you are. The proof, as they say…..

He won't just accept it you know. Be prepared for a fight. Be prepared for him to undermine your position. But if you know beforehand what you want (I presume you want him to show REAL remorse rather than some cheap, fake imitation) he'll see the enormity of what he's done and the pathetic response he's made.

Oh blimey, I was going to say what they all said but yiu have had a change of heart. I think any woman who chucks her DH out deserves a medal, I really do. I think of this a lot. We both work and have a demanding preschooler so life is very full on. My DP is a decent type but then I guess everybody says that don't they. If I found him cheating I dunno, perhaps my first actual response might be to pretend I hadn't seen it and to keep calm and carry on.

What's the alternative? Boot him out, give myself tons of extra work to do and cut my disposable income in half?

I think I would probably do the 'right thing' after any real consideration, but shit. It seems so unfair to me that innocent partners of cheaters have to have their lives pulled apart from the ground up.

I'm a tough cookie though and I'm sure you are too. Time to put your mask and cape on and do what you have to do. MN is great for support at times like this. Good luck, so sorry you're facing this.

Also, having been through the same thing -

I didn't find the making him allow me access to his phone etc helpful. It was deeply humiliating for me. I knew all I needed to but chose to accept behaving like the fucking stasi over evidence that he was not, in fact, sorry at all.

I did the hysterical bonding (see doing the pick me dance). It didn't stop me raging and crying in between.

I did it all OP. But I couldn't forgive him. I didn't forgive him until quite recently and a long time after we divorced. I couldn't forgive him whilst I was with him. It's a deeply personal thing and it doesn't scrub your memory clean either. Sad for you.

I have a completely different viewpoint from most people here. I believe good people do have affairs. Good people do fuck up. And you can get over this.

However, you will never get over it if he is going back to work and she's there. That was a mistake I made, and I found out that after a couple of years it started again but they were a bit cleverer this time. Call me an absolute fool but we're trying again and I fully believe we can make it. But the first thing that had to happen was he had to find a new job.

If you're wondering why I want to try again. I've asked myself would I prefer to be alone bringing up two children or with him. Even if it's different to before.

I can fully understand the ego boost and the belief that if no one finds out no one gets hurt. He is willing to do anything to get us back together. My next question to myself is if I believe there is a chance that we may have a happy future together then it's worth fighting for, it's worth every bit of pain and confusion to make sure my children have a future without having to go through the devastation that us breaking up would bring them. If there is a slimmest of hope that we can have a happy future then I will make sure my DH works to the bone repairing what he broke.

OP what needs to happen is firstly they cannot work together, one of them has to go. Secondly you need him to agree to full honestly with every question you have, however awkward it is for him and however painful it is for you. Thirdly tell him that you want him to sit down and start writing you letters, in these letters he is to write down all the memories that he has of you both as a couple, he's to remember how much he loves you, If you feel up to it you too should write a letter in response, however you can our your heart out with how much it's hurt.

Well - I disagree nikita.

I don't think the OP needs him to agree to an honesty contract, nor do I think she has to lead him by the hand and tell him what to do. He's an adult and almost certainly will know, deep down, what he needs to do, he KNOWS he's hurt her and their DC's just as he knew before discovery that it would. He doesn't need telling. It would be a mistake to bear her soul to the man who has consciously gone ahead and broken their vows although I understand why you'd say that.

But - FWIW I do agree that the work situation would make it untenable for the OP. But that's because I tried that myself and it didn't work so it's up to her. It's all up to her now.

During your 11 years together, did you ever talk about fidelity?

If it is a deal-breaker for you and he knew that, then he decided that the sex was worth the risk of losing you.

Now he has been found out, he would naturally expect to be asked to leave. As that hasn't happened, he will have got the message that actually, no, cheating is not a deal breaker for you. In fact, it leads to a lot more sex for him. Bonus!

Therefore, he is likely to do it again.

His post discovery behaviour says it all really, he threw a grenade into your relationship and now expects you to do the clean up. Actions speak louder than words and so far he's trotted out the councelling line and he thinks job done, not bloody good enough.

op your post is very much like my situation.

Found out on Mon he was having an affair.

He's told so many lies.

He's been told he has depression.

I want to be ok. I'm finding it so hard. I'm a wreck.

I know I want to make it work. He says he wants to make it work.

We just don't know how. We are thinking of a councillor.

I feel so gutted not just for what he's done to our relationship but my little boy too .

I am shocked you have let him back into your bed so easily and you are having sex with him. He really has had his cake and ate it without any consequences!

I think unless you start showing some anger then he may do it again and why not? he know your forgive him with barely an cross word said.

believe

Well I have told him what I need to hear, he has written me a letter. Haven't read it yet making him wait. So angry tonight but little uns still up so just resorted to not speaking, well only to little uns and the football commentators. Hb hates football so we are watching it all night gives me one small pleasure.

The amount of cheaters who site that depression led them to have an affair is hilarious
I know of two similar cases. What pisses me off is that depression is serious and debilitating for those living with it, and these twats using it as a get out clause make me sick.

Hb hates football so we are watching it all night gives me one small pleasure.

Forgive me for saying so, but that sounds a very trivial comment in the midst of something so serious. It's as though you plan to do a little bit of sulking but otherwise it's business as usual.

Vivacia you want to be in my head, there is nothing trivial in my life at the moment. Actually he has gone to bed, that is what he is doing best at the moment - sleeping. You would need to know me to understand that remark, I use 'humour', 'sarcasm' or whatever you want to call it in weird situations, always have done, always will ... probably!

I get ya.....it's like one tiny victory (no matter how trivial it might seem) is one tiny bit of control back. It's an empty victory and it doesn't last long but it's the feeling of control that's important.