Can someone help me get a grip? I am fearing influence of ow on my dc

[justfoundout2014]

I have this awful feeling of panic and gloom and seem to be able to see the next 20 years so clearly and they scare me.

H denies he wants to be with ow but insists he must be allowed to contact her, so we are separated. I know her and have met her husband. I am terrified of her. Have been reading up on narc disorder (her h described her as one) and I feel like we are going to divorce, h will move in with her, she will have plenty of access to my children, she will turn them against me. I know her, she is great with kids, they loved her when we all knew her, but of course didn't know their dad was shagging her. Of course, I can't tell them that - they are only 5 & 7.

They will never know her for what she is, and I will always have to be nice about her, and she will turn them against me. I am terrified of this. I just wish to god we had never met her, yet h is lost to her.

I can see the future and it is so scary.

IME children are not so easily fooled. They tend to be very loyal to their parents for good or ill and anyone trying to make out that you are a bad person will be met with suspicion & derision. Why do you think you have to be nice about her?

She won't turn them against you. Just play nice, tell the truth without resorting to name calling and bitching. Everyone loves their mum, unless they have done dreadful yhings(I am assuming you haven't! )

My 6yo nephew had sussed that his "dad" is a twat by the time he was 4. He doesn't use that language, obviously, and my SIL is very very good at being neutral about her ex, but he still knows. DN is a good boy and visits his "dad" dutifully etc but it won't be long before he either swings for him or just point blank refuses to have anything more to do with him!

Don't lose faith in how much your children love you :)

Why would she want to turn your kids against you? I think you are imagining she has way more power than she has.

Thank you. I am a bit calmer now, but just so up and down at the moment. She is such a manipulative person -I know h is responsible for his own actions, but it feels like she has taken him from me and turned him against me and he can't hear a bad word against her.

When he was sleeping with her in our house, when I was at work, there was another woman they were friends with and ow engineered many a fall-out with her to ensure she got my h to herself. Talking with this second woman the other night, we were both stunned at the situations and arguments that ow caused to put her off for coming for coffee. This woman says my h always seemed to want her there (guess he was trying to salve his conscience) but ow clearly didn't. Going through it all we both had this sick feeling - "Oh, so that's what was really happening." h, meanwhile, insists the two of them just 'clashed' . Why, why is he so stupid and blind? Or is he lying?

So now I can see her doing something similar with my dc. She is so clever. Had me fooled .

I understand your fears.
She sounds like a selfish bitch and a game player.
How long before she chews up your husband and spits him out?
If she likes playing games, a proper partner will be dull, and she'll treat him like shit and move on. Which is fair comeuppance for him I think.
But I have a suspicious she's not going to be around for long.

What others have said . My daughter very quickly recognised the new wife 'idiosyncrasies' (sp?). There is some research somewhere (can't remember the source) to show that younger children analyse what is done, rather than what is said, IUSWIM. Seems we lose this as we get older alas.

He's lying.... Look at things from his angle. He was/is in the middle of a drama where he was cast as 'the object of desire'. Two women (besides you) vying for his attention... what an ego-boost! There was no conscience involved and he doesn't seem to have put up much of a struggle. He voluntarily plunged into the whole thing right up to his sweaty little bollocks, no doubt enjoying himself thoroughly. I really wouldn't blame her or waste too much time feeling sorry for him.

please don't spend too much time with either of them on your mind.

same happened to my dd, her EXh put on the charm with her dc's best friends mother., while she was at work too,

being the breadwinner for the lazy bastard.

but hey,

both of them took their shit behaviour to the relationship, and eventually split up.

just be there for your dc, make their lives- and yours- fun and happy.

let the two shit's destroy each other, which they surely will.
put them both in a compartment labelled "rubbish"
be strong and focus on your lives,

I have dealt with a highly manipulative individual in my own family, although this time she was a new partner of a central family member.

She did her very best to drive a wedge between parent and child, between sibling and sibling and she very nearly succeeded. However, in the end she slunk away defeated - because sooner or later people are seen for what they are. In our instance, her demands became so outrageous/ludicrous that our family member finally perceived what she was all about - in her case, money. Soon after that she was gone.

My advice is:

Minimise your own contact with her, to give her less material.

If you meet, be polite but neutral.

Avoid any contentious topic.

Work out an age-appropriate way of describing what happened in the split to your children - honest but not emotive.
Try to give her only the barest minimum of head space.
Get some counselling if you possibly can.

Best wishes.

IME children are not so easily fooled. They tend to be very loyal to their parents for good or ill and anyone trying to make out that you are a bad person will be met with suspicion & derision.

I'm sorry, but my experience has been the exact opposite of this. I know what I'm saying is not what you want to hear but there it is. I can't pretend it hasn't happened.

to that end, listen to your gut and GET AWAY from her/them. Don't fall in with the current thinking that mothers have to bend over backwards and lie their heads off to facilitate a relationship with people who are pure poison (or influenced by people who are pure poison). I also had the same clanging alarm but ultimately I ignored it, thinking that good would win out. It didn't. I wish I hadn't been so stupid, naive and willfully blind.

Do whatever you can to get away from them. Even my GP said 'get away!' but I reasoned at the time that he was being over dramatic. He wasn't, it turned out.