new mum feeling low about friendships.

[neilsharvest]

Since becoming pregnant my friendship with my absolute best friend since uni, 12 years ago, has been off with me- we haven't spoken like we used to, have struggled not to argue, haven't been able to share all the joys of motherhood with her and it's been horrible. Came to a head recently when I forgot she had a job interview and she didn't speak to me over it for a week.

My other very close girl friend is getting married and her hen night was a couple of weeks ago- my childcare arrangements fell through so I couldn't go- she isn't speaking to me.

My husband's best friend is also someone I have always been very close to- 15 years. We've always spoken, looked out for eachother- now all I get is grief about not going out or going on holiday with that group of friends.

I feel like this sounds like a very minor problem but it is really really getting me down.

Has anyone else felt the same?nAm I doing something wrong? I feel strongly that my social life is still important but no where near as important as my ds and thought my best friends would understand that.

I assume that you are the only one with a child...
In my experience, no, they won't understand it. They won't understand it until they themselves are parents and then they might get closer to you again, but at the moment it seems you are all at different life stages.

It's not really anyone's fault, it's just the way life happens unfortunately. Hopefully you will be able to make new friends with similar priorities to yourself.

Yeah just me with a baby. Thanks for replying so quickly. I think I knew that really- it just makes me so sad. I rely on my friends a lot. I have made one or two good friends through baby groups etc guess I will slightly change the direction of my efforts.

Do people have conversations with friends about this or just let it hapoen?

I have found exactly the same, I have drifted away from uni friends, but it has been lovely that one of my uni friends has now got a ds 3 months younger than my ds2 and we have been seeing loads of each other again and comparing notes.

I have made and kept 2 good friends since ds1 was born 1 from a bf group and 1 from a toddler group, both of whom I meet up with with and without our dc.

I suppose I am trying to say friendships change but can go back to what they were when friends catch up with you in life.

I wouldn't have a conversation about it, I'm not sure what other people would do! I wouldn't bother saying anything because I don't think it would change anything - you would still be the one with the baby and your friends would still be childless... Personally I would just let it happen.

There was an article which went around facebook recently about reasons why "your friends with babies" find it harder to maintain friendships and someone posted it with a comment along the lines of "It makes sense but it doesn't make me feel any better about it..."

I get that people without children don't really get how all consuming it is to have a baby and how it affects every part of your life but it's almost like they are feeling pushed out or displaced?

I was the first by a long shot of anyone I know to have a child so maybe I'm not seeing their point of view but it just comes across as jealousy almost? Like they can't imagine that the baby might be a tiny bit time consuming or important, and that it doesn't mean you're ditching them, it just means you have a different priority right now. Not forever!

I found my facebook friend's comment quite selfish, surely friends are there to support each other through whatever happens and if they can't come out in the evenings or whatever you make other arrangements to see them. I recently moved abroad and my friends don't bitch that I can't continue our relationship in exactly the same way, we talk on skype or call each other and share stuff on facebook instead.

I was the first in my group of friends to have a baby. There were 8 or so of us that all used to hang out a lot and go on holiday together and we were very close. I still joined in when I was pregnant but obviously couldn't once DS1 was born. I'm sorry to say, we've mostly drifted apart now although there are a couple who have just got married and another who are getting married next year and another who is pregnant now so I'm hopeful we'll drift back to being good friends again.

I felt very isolated when it first happened and it still makes me a bit sad now as I miss the laughs we used to have. We were just at different points in our lives though and they didn't want to give up their young and free lives (understandably).

I've made some other good friends in the last few years and we all have children so it's a lot easier.

My advice would be to join as many baby and toddler classes in your local area as you can. I used to run mine and that meant I met EVERYONE and got chatting to loads of people in the same boat as me.

Hopefully you'll meet some new people soon

I have walked away from friends when they have been pregnant, because I am not particularly interested and have never wanted children. I see it as better for both of us because I would imagine it's not great to be a mum to be/new mum whose best friend isn't interested in the most important part of your life.

All I can say is that it's probably nothing personal (although I realise that doesn't stop you feeling hurt).

Bertie In my case I do realise how all consuming having a baby is, but it's a part of their life that I don't want to have to consider, iyswim.

If I didn't do it, the obvious lack of interest, in that I don't want to talk about their baby, or meet/hold him or her is going to bother them.

Thanks for all the replies. It's good to know that people have been through this and got back close to old friends. Abbey I think that's a really strong decision to make- very pragmatic and will definitely save you both the awkwardness and upset that I'm going through.