So cross with MIL

[cannotbelievethis]

We do not have a great relationship with MIL. DH has come to terms with the fact that she prefers his sister and her young dc and it feels she is only a mum to him through duty. We have 2 dc age 10 and 7 who she has had very little to do with over the years. Never once has she cuddled them, talked to them or played with them. Now she has grandchildren by his sister she seems to be making so much more effort with them. We normally would see her every few months (duty visit), but this year we have no seen her since Christmas. DH finally succumbed a few weeks ago and suggested we get together. However, she is apparently busy every Saturday we are free (until into September) and she will not meet us on a Sunday as she goes to church! So we have left it for now. I cannot believe she will not miss church for one week to see her son. He is hurt, I think it is very sad. How can she be so cold?

Its not a palatable fact of life but sometimes parents don't get on with their kids and vice versa. You don't mention a FIL... where is he in all this? Is DH older than his sister? Do you live at a greater distance than your SIL? If church is important to MIL has your DH rejected religion?... Can be all kinds of reasons why they don't gel.

Thanks for reply. Dh is the youngest and apparently a 'difficult' baby whereas SIL was a 'good' baby. Unfortunately FIL died before I met dh, MIL is bitter about this (understandably) but when dh and i do anything nice she says things like 'We could never do that' and stops the conversation in its track. We live the same distance from MIL as SIL (2 hrs). DH has by no means rejected religion but does not go to church every week.

Age gaps are significant although usually it's the younger ones that are seen as deserving of help. Being male is significant because I think mothers sometimes regard a son's children as 'his wife's' whereas a daughter's children are 'hers'. (Just an observation) When you talk about doing anything nice and getting a bitter response is there a money element at play? Have you and DH in any sense moved away from the socio-economic group and SIL stayed more true to the roots? Have seen that one cause distance before. Is DH more independent and self-assured and his sister more clingy/needy/wanting opinions? How often would he telephone Mum?

I think the "not missing church" thing is a red herring on her part. An excuse. Even if she really really doesn't miss church surely she could visit afterwards (most services finish by lunchtime) or you could travel to be at her house for when church finishes.

I'm an evangelical Christian, rarely miss church, but if I had family members who I really wanted to see, and if that was the only free day then I'd do it. Family is much more important than 2 hours of church on a Sunday.

I think she's bluffing.

To me this sounds like a protracted case of 'I'm pissed off but I'm not telling you why'. Either she's trying to manipulate him into being a better son or there's something he did (or didn't do) either recently or in the past that hacked her off but she's not saying and prefers to sulk.

Church-goers eh?... Talk a good game...

I have just about come to terms with her not really regarding our dc as her grandchildren, although it is hurtful when we are all together. There is no money element really except we have been lucky with property and now have a nice house. However, SIL and her dh have better paid jobs so much more spare cash although SIL always complains about being badly paid (she's not). I think SIL moans a lot with her mum and tells her all her problems. DH never moans about anything to her. She does not seem very united with her dh and MIL thinks he is useless, whereas Dh and I are very close. DH did phone MIL weekly but got annoyed she never phones him so now it is when he feels guilty (approx every 2 weeks).

I think there is a lot of trying to manipulate him. She can be rude and nasty so he thinks 'that's it' and then she does something nice so he feels bad. This has been going on all his life as far as I can tell.

Think you've nailed it actually. MIL feels useful to her DD and involved in her life because DD cracks on she has it tough, whereas DH has properly cut the apron strings, doing well for himself and happy with a nice DW (and I bet she doesn't like you much). Rather than his success being a reason for pride and rejoicing, she's probably opting to see it as rejection with a touch of sour grape 'it's all right for some'... 'rubbing our noses in it'... thrown in for good measure. Speculation of course.

To be honest, would you want her living round the corner and as involved in your lives as she is with your SIL? Knowing all your business etc. Sometimes 'cold' is a blessing tell him.

Thanks so much. That does sound about right. How can a mum be resentful of her son being happy? But he is definitely better off with people who love and appreciate him and let him know that.

I live at a distance from my mother (89 years old) and make the duty visits (she gets on much better with my siblings who all live within about 15-20 minutes away). Although she is elderly, she does have a fairly active social life - including church on Sunday. She meets her life-long friends there so it is very much part of her social calendar.

So when I travel over for a week and stay in a nearby cottage - she doesn't like my dog! - I meet her at church and count that as part of my visit. She actually enjoys having another of her children in 'her bench' and is thrilled when the friends pop over to have a chat and say "Oh hello Sadwidow. Nice to see you here again".

My mother doesn't change her routine at all for my visits. I have to fit in with her usual weekly schedule, but I have come to terms with that over the years. For example, after church she goes to my DB for Sunday lunch. She would never cancel that and say, "I am going out with Sadwidow for Sunday lunch this week".

She won't be around forever, so I'll keep doing my duty.

I think it is normal to moan to your mother about your life! I know that me and my sister do it to our mum. Maybe he could try getting an emotional connection with his mother and telling her how he feels etc?

Why flog a dead horse? It is sad and horrible but I would reduce contact. She sounds like a nasty person and surely contact with her would be upsetting rather than nice for your children if she isn't engaged with them. Keep away and spend time with people who like you .

Sounds so much like my mother and sister.

My mother was so involved with my sister's life and was always overcompensating for what she saw as disadvantages. She stood so far back from mine, she never saw any, and didn't want to know about any!

Still, I did my duty, my sister got the hassle.

I'm not sure about trying to get an emotional connection - it all back fired for me. Best to support him, and let him know he is loved and appreciated.

FWIW, my mother did try and show some appreciation two weeks before she died. I accepted it.

Thank you so much for the replies. At least I know it is not just us and I think you are right Cogito. I am still trying to come to terms with MIL not bothering with DH. Any tips on how to stop feeling so angry with her would be useful. Thanks.