On the subject of texting and boundaries, my DH and my neighbour have exchanged texts since we moved away nearly three years ago. It's not all the time - maybe a text exchange once every few weeks and usually fairly innocuous although there is a warmth in the tone that is certainly uncharacteristic of the way in which she corresponds with me.
I've always known about these communications - ie: my DH has never hidden them from me, and although a vague sense of over-familiarity or maybe even impropriety (ie: isn't it a bit rude as a woman, to address yourself to the male in a couple when you know both parties?) has irked me beneath the surface, I've never felt threatened by it or even really been bothered by it at all. Maybe because I've never considered her very physically attractive. I even used to joke about her having a thing for him and saw fit for him to manage the neighbourly relationship because I knew we'd get a more favourable response. They are of a similar mindset. And agree for example on a mutual hatred of such frivolous things as shopping, for example, in stark oppositon to my feelings on the subject! However, I've never seriously considered that he would find her attractive in 'that' way!
Maybe because we're thinking about moving back to the same area, and sparked off by some irritation on my part at DH for replying to a text from her when we were on a family day out, it really has started to bother me. To see if I was making a big deal about nothing, I read the text exchanges through again recently, and although there is nothing particularly untoward apart from repetition of a 'missing you' theme from her, there is nothing overt. It just feels a little too familiar, a bit mutual appreciation. When I said I thought it was inappropriate my DH agreed that at times it has made him uncomfortable and argues that he has tried to keep it strictly friendly. Arguably he has and he hasn't. He keeps it very straight, but continues to respond liberally and initiates conversations. I think this is encouraging her so I asked him to tone it down, keep it polite and friendly, but brief and find a way of including me into it so she really gets the message that we are a united front. In short, be a bloke about it and refer her to the missus! From comments he has made in the past, he does know something is inappropriate about the way she talks to him, but in fairness, I've never had a problem with it before so I've let it happen. I don't think it occurred to me that he was getting something out of their relationship too. And I realise lately that I find the fact of being excluded from these communications quite rude and disrespectful to our relationship dynamics both as a married couple, and also as neighbours. Does that make sense? Even before we moved away, she has a bit of a proprietry attitude towards him, which I ignored, because I really didn't feel it was reciprocated. I'm not big on confrontation, but I also sent her a veiled warning alluding to a jealousy on my part at her clearly favouring him in the neighbourly relationship. Her reply indicated that she totally got the message, however, she continues to text him and he continues to reply and I feel really upset by it and thoroughly disrespected by both of them. Maybe he feels I'm blowing it massively out of proportion, but I have a horrid thought that she is triumphant at having the edge over me - when I reflect, she has always been a little competitive with me.
I am effectively powerless to do anything in this scenario and I am dreading moving back to an area where we are likely to see each other on a regular basis! Am I over-reacting? Should I just live and let live?