Hubby moved out saying he needs space

[Grimesey]

Me n hubby ad a rough couple of mths with silly arguments over house work n stuff, we have a 2 yr old, since having our ds we have drifted and stopped trying I think, he went to benidorm friend to tue on a stag do wen he cum home he wanted go bed and we had a row cos I sed u need spend time with r son u av bin away 4 5 days, the day after we was stil not talking and he txt me saying he was goin to his dads 4 a bit cos he is fed up so long story short he's gone he just says he needs space he's not happy, I av asked him if something happened why he's bin away he says no but I don't no, he says he doesn't want the marriage to end but he needs space. He is a fantastic dad and is taking him nursery and picking him up, I work and we have our own business I no he's stressed at work and stuff but I just don't no wat to do, his sisters say just giv him time but how much time do I giv him. I'm devastated. Xxx

It gets easier the more you take control of your life and the less you are in contact with him, his family and their mealy-mouthed excuses. It's still very upsetting to have been rejected, especially when he's selfishly trying to leave things up in the air rather than make a clean break, and it's going to hurt for a long time.

Suggest you get legal advice and a steer from CSA (or the new equivalent) about your financial position. It's early days and whilst you hope he wouldn't try to stitch you up, it's better to know what's fair in advance rather than agree to something unfair just because you're upset and not thinking properly. It'll also show him that you are treating the split as final.

Another suggestion is that you don't meet at your place to sort out money but somewhere neutral like a café. It'll make it easier to hold it together and it'll reinforce that your house is your sanctuary and your home... not his.

Hi I am trying I have sorted my tax credits and council tax, he watched ds last nite why I went out with friends for tea, he kept asking who was goin how I was getting ther, wat plans I have for weekend, I'm playing it really cool trying to show him I'm moving on, I'm still in shock but I think I'm doing really well all things considered. I agree with the neutral place to meet. I can't believe that he thinks it's ok to walk out on his wife and son cos he's not happy, n wants be on his own, f*ing idiot. Xxx

I was in a similar situation to you last year OP.
My EXH walked out on me and my 6 month old DS, saying he didn't love me anymore, didn't care what happened to me and that his family had told him to leave me.
I was shocked.
Now, im not for a minute saying things were easy -I had been diagnosed with pnd and he set up his own business the same month as DS was born, so things were stressful. And we argued over absaloutly everything once the baby arrived. But when the shit hit the fan, he walked.
We were living in his family's town, all my friends and family were 2 and a half hours away. He left me at lunchtime on a Friday..
I begged him not to. He went anyway. And continued on his regular drinking spree that weekend.
I went home on the Monday, told him I needed to go home - he barely acknowledged it and barely said goodbye to his son.
Once I went home I realised he wasn't the man I thought he was.. He never helped with the baby- telling me "you're on maternity leave, you're paid to mind him"
And "I'm not going to stop drinking at weekends just because we have a baby" to name but a few choice comments.. And there was the pushing and shoving me out of his way., pressuring me to have sex when I didnt feel ready 4 months after the birth..
So many reasons not to stay...
I went home and never went back..
Except to get my stuff when I knew he wasn't going to be there.
Long story short ( or not so short as I read over this!)
I moved home, got a job and a house to rent and my parents look after DS.
He took me to court for access, and made my life hell when he realised I wasn't coming back.
In April of this year he told me he was "only going to be gone for a few days" and he would have come back.
I have never been surer that I have done the right thing for me and my DS as I was that day and each day since.
I just wanted to tell you that while it may be a shock and painful on the short term, stay strong and look to the future. A future where you and your DS can be safe and happy, and while you will always have to have contact with him regarding your DS at least you will be free of him calling the shots. Needing space is one thing, being a bully and coming and going when it suits him is another thing entirely.

Thankyou, I also was diagnosed with pnd wen ds was 18mth old so it has been hard plus I came of the tablets by myself ( silly I know) then went back on them, I just believed he Wud be here no matter how many silly rows we had but god was I wrong, I am trying my best but it's really scary I keep thinking omg who is ever gona want me 40yr old with a 27mth child, he wil do rite by bobby but it's crap cos this is not wat I want we had so many plans and now I'm having to start over alone, sorry I'm shocked. Xxx

In my other post, i said i thought it was normal for people to want to spend time with their friends.
Spending their time with friends on a lads holiday in a place of drunken debauchery is not, however, normal.
I can hazard a guess as to what he got up to in Benidorm. He's now trying to extricate himself from your relationship on his own terms.
See a solicitor. Contact the CSA.
Make it clear that things are now on your terms.

Hi sorry it's just habit, well I am just moving on as best I can, he's picked bobby up today from nursery and asked how I am and how I have been at work I said I've been ok. I will find out if he has cheated the flat is just up the road from our house and I know lots of people who are my friends. Do you think he will realise what he has done he has been in flat since sun, everyone thinks he will and will want come back, I hope he does and I tell him f* off I really do. Xx

Hey, i think you're doing brilliantly. I'm also 40, i have a 13 yr old and a 9 yr old, and i don't want "taking on" by anyone.....i'll decide when and if i want to be involved with anyone else! Keep going, it's very early days x

Sorry you have been put through this. I think you need to take control of the situaiton as has been suggested already.

I am not sure if you are aware when referring to someone returning/coming home, it is differnt to cum, which can offend some, as it is sperm from a penis.

Morning, Thankyou, I didn't realise hope I haven't offended anyone. I'm just getting ready to go to work and tonight I am going to water combat with my friends just to get out the house, will keep u all informed. Thanks again. Xx

Talking of penises, some people are being them on this thread.

Talk about kicking someone when down.

And as if she meant sperm. Seriously is it that hard to support someone?

OP you sound strong , I hope you can move on and also reach some solution for access.

Fanjo, thanks my head is up my arse, I'm ok regarding that so far, so will see. Stickem thanks also. Xx

I also agree. I think assuming the man is lieing is a little unfair. What if in fact what he and his family say is true and in fact he is depressed and stressed out. I think it is worth considering the possibility of saving the marriage by considering that he may be suffering and in a few months may be feeling better if he gets to a doctor and sorts it out.

Thanks I'm just so let down by him, I hope karma comes round soon he seems to be really calm saying let's move on and if we're meant to be gether it will happen. wtf I am hoping I will tell him to do 1 . Xxx

Morning just an update, we agreed he would have ds sun at 1pm to sleep at he's flat why I went out with my friends, I knew he was going out sat with he's cousin to Manchester so I rang him at 12.30pm to make sure he was up, no answer my sis said he had put a pic on fb at 5.50am so I guessed he would be rough in bed. I txt him to say I was on my way up to his flat with ds it's only up the road, he eventually rang me at 12.55 saying he had only just got up and was ruff I said tuff I'm on my way. He took ds for a walk as he could not drive I txt suring day see how ds was he went his sisters with him, mon morn I txt c how son slept he said he woke up at 4.40am I said he would take time for ds get used to going there, he's asked for a couple of weeks before he sleeps again so he can get blackout blinds and safety gates, I said no get them by friday as I am going to a wedding he turned up at my house sat with all new clothes on went out Manchester all day drinking, so in my eyes as soon as he got the flat he's priority should have been making sure it was safe for bobby, am I right? . Monday he was at his flat his car was outside he seems to be having a lot of time off it's our business so I have told him he needs to get back into it otherwise it effects me and bobby. He came Monday and the tosses had took his wedding ring off when I asked him he joked saying he had pawned it I asked if I should take mine off and he joked again about pawning mine I told him I didn't think it was funny he said I'm only joking with you, so I took mine off and told him once money is sorted I want a divorce he seemed shocked at this and asked if ots what I want to do, wtf am I suppose to do, he's said he has get his head straight and that he has been drinking every night which is not him at all. I am disgusted how hw has treated our marriage. When he went I just could not believe after 3 weeks he taken ring off so I txt and asked if he had met someone and to be honest with me I got a reply saying why because I've took my ring off, I never replied, I'm not sure I even want him back, he's having ds sat sun why I work he's said he needs work sun I said tuff u sort out childcare I am so pissed off with him I want to punch him lol. Why seem shocked at the mention off divorce when he's took his ring off. He says he's not going out now that he needs concentrate on work and sorting his family out but will see, I just can't get him. Xxx

I think you're spending too much time chatting and interacting with him. It's muddying the waters and not allowing you to move on. Sounds like he was looking for a few weeks/months 'free pass' to act like a single man, whipping off the wedding ring and bringing women back to his bachelor pad, where having a baby around would cramp his style. He's assuming that he will just click his fingers at some point and you'll roll over and let him back home. That's why he's shocked that you're talking about divorce. He's taking it for granted that you'll be there waiting.

So I'd suggest a few things. One is to drop contact unless it has something strictly to do with the care of your DS. No more 'jokes' about pawning wedding rings etc. Make it a regular contact schedule so that DS is settled and knows where he is. Then go see a solicitor about divorce and get well-informed about all the implications.

Hello just a update, it's been 4 wk and I'm doing ok, he's going back to live with his mum, he hates the flat and it's not pratical for ds. He's still been turning up here all the time so I told him he had to stop and stick to the days we agreed, he came sun and asked how I was doing I said I'm doing ok he said that a couple of people had told him that they had seen me and that I was looking good and happiest they had seen me in years I said really I hadn't spoke to anyone and he said that they had just seen me, I don't know who they was but I was quite chuffed lol. I told him that I was moving on like he told me, what does he want at all? He was having ds why I went out when I was getting ready he kept asking who I was going with where I was going who would be there and I'm like what's it got to do with you I don't ask you anything, I had a really good day and night I bumped into a lad I went to school with and he asked if he could take me out, I said no because it's way to early and I felt like I was doing something wrong, but it was nice confidence boost. Should I speak with him and ask what's happening because when he left he told me to move on and see what happens with us but it's 4 week and I'm getting mixed signals from him and I'm not 100% sure if I want him back but when do we say well that's it let's end it all together should I just leave it. Xx

I think you should keep going the way you have. You are doing so well.

As time moves on you will probably find you will lose more and more interest in him. So next time someone asks you out you will feel more sure.

My bet is he will suddenly declare his love and state his mistake, but by that time you will have moved on and won't be interested.

Find a different babysitter that doesn't give you the third degree on where you're going and who you're with... One reason you felt disloyal chatting to the person you went to school with is because you're still way too close to your ex. He's still running your life at the moment. So don't 'ask what's happening'... tell him you've moved on. But mean it. You may be getting mixed signals but you don't have to give them out yourself.

Thanks aussiebean I will and I hope he does I do get the feeling that he does but I ain't gona say anything just incase I get it wrong. Xx

Thank you cajito I'm not going to say anything and he knows I'm moving on and I fully intend to and if my friend is out tomoz I may well let him take me out ha. Wil let you know Monday. Enjoy ur weekend. Xx