What would your advice be?

[JaneFonda]

My DN is 19 and has come to me for advice - I'd like to hear other views too really.

DN has been with her boyfriend for about 6 months. I've met him a few times and he seems really lovely, and they are very well suited together.

From what she's said, he treats her incredibly well, and is kind and considerate.

DN rang me earlier because she had seen a message that her boyfriend had sent to his friend. DN had met this friend a few days ago, and he was saying how nice he thought DN was. DN's boyfriend replied saying, "yes, I just wish she was hotter".

DN is obviously devastated, and I am so angry with her boyfriend - I think that is an awful thing to say but I don't know what to suggest - I don't want to tell her to break up with him, because it is her decision after all.

WWYD?

Reassure her she deserves better. That she actually deserves someone who does think she is hot.

There's no going back from something like that so id say leave him she deserves better

Tell her it's her decision but she should find somebody that a) thinks she's hot and b) doesn't talk about her behind her back.

I'd be fuming if I were you. She must be really crushed :(

Little ratbag! I would dump for that offense. Show her this thread?

Any chance it's one of those crap boy jokes where he means the other way round? Ie that she's super hot?

What was the reply? Cos then she cld tell possibly if it's a kind of In joke or if he is indeed a ratbag

If he is a ratbag reassure her that she shouldn't put up with that..

What you tell her is to confront him. Let him know that she doesn't appreciate having her relative 'hotness' discussed with others because it's demeaning sleaze-ball stuff, she's disappointed (always a killer that word) and she thought he was better than that. Six months in, this could be the real him talking or just a mistake. Difficult to judge but I think he deserves to suffer a little.

LTB no doubt

Maybe he was just saying it to his friend as a sort of cool thing iyswim.

But I would advise her to confront him

I would advise that she got rid of the creep.

If that is his attitude, it will only be a matter of time before she is dumped for someone "hotter". This will stay in the back of her mind for a long time and can eat away at her self esteem if she isn't careful.

Get rid of the shallow prick and get yourself someone who deserves you.

I wouldn't advise at all! Her decision.

I'm not sure if it was a rubbish joke - the reply was "yeah well I'd prefer a nice girl over a hottie any day"

I am trying to be very open and not try to influence her IYSWIM, but I agree about her self esteem being damaged from it so I am very worried.

Maybe she should dump him for his friend, telling him 'You're nice, but I just wish you were hotter.'

why was she looking through his phone messages ?
terry Wogan used to always say whenever he played The Corrs " it's a shame they are all so plain looking "

Who wants to be someone's second choice? Dump immediately!

So none of you have ever made an observation to a friend about something your partner has little control over that would potentially upset? "I love dh but I wish he didn't snore so much" "dp is so good but it annoys me when he/she nags all evening asking what he/she can do" blah blah. Given the fact he treats her so well I think ltb is a bit of a leap for one off the cuff comment to a friend!

I think your dn needs to confront him and tell him he's upset her and take it from there. If he's truly a nice bloke who behaved like a young fool for a minute he will be mortified and try everything he can to show her he thinks she's fantastic. If not then she can decide she's worth better. We all say stupid stuff, don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Is the boyfriend also 19-ish?

When I was a teenager the relative physical merits of our male peers were discussed with forensic vigour. I doubt she can come back from this, it's such a hurtful thing to hear, but calling him abusive names is a big overreaction.

The message wasn't meant for her. I don't blame her for feeling hurt and angry, but he doesn't deserve to be lambasted by strangers for something he said in private.

I doubt it'll end well between them, that sort of knock infects all other areas. Her self esteem will have that mark now for a long time. Poor her, and at that age it's even more hurtful. Doesn't sound like a great guy if he's so bothered by such things. Doesn't bode well

He didn't say "she's fugly I'm off to dump her" so saying he's "so bothered" by these things is a bit of a leap. Also how do you know her self esteem won't recover? Surely that depends on how good her self esteem is to start with?

Only on MN can a young lad be hung drawn and quartered for a single comment despite all of his other actions appearing to be above reproach!

Today, how true