Need advice from single parents

[worndown]

Just how hard is it being a single parent?
In particular to more than one very young child ( ours are 4, 2, and 4m)
I have sadly concluded that my relationship with the father of my children is going nowhere and is in fact destructive. I have probably known this in my heart of hearts for some time.
His behaviour towards me is never physically abusive but he does have a terrible temper and every few weeks will go off into a rage about something I have allegedly done. During these rows I am not allowed to speak up for myself ( His favourite phrase is "this is no time to defend yourself" closely followed by "for once in your life just take a telling". He occasionally admits a few days later he was in the wrong, feeling stressed and using me as a kind of verbal punchbag , but NEVER says sorry, seems to think it is all ok and gets annoyed with me if I show signs of feeling hurt after he has decided it is all over and done with.
He has never hit me but does stand over me waving his finger in my face in a threatening manner and he once threw a cushion at me , later saying "for goodness sake it was only a cushion."
Between rows he treats me with total lack of respect. During my last pregnancy I had various problems and found it very dificult towards the end. Not once did he say anything like " go and put your feet up, I'll do that" or ask me how I was feeling, how I had slept or whatever.
There is no intimacy or affection left at all. He has not paid me a compliment in about 4 years ( I can actually remember the last one!)
To be absolutely truthful I find him physically repellant ( he is overweight, does not keep his teeth clean or shave regularly)
He would not consider counselling ( gets very angry if suggested) anyway I don't think it would do any good.
Apart from the terrible example he is setting our kids he is a very good and loving father.

So my question to those of you raising kids alone after a relationship break up is just how hard is it? What has stopped me asking him to leave is that my life would be so demanding physically with the three kids , so difficult financially, in fact I am concerned I would just be replacing one type of misery with another, and completely upsetting both our families and depriving our kids of their dad at home.It seems awful to accept things the way they are, but the alternative is really daunting for a different set of reasons.
I am quite a brave person and not scared to be alone or anything , just concerned I would be physically worn down doing everything for the kids myself ( he is a very involved father, apart from to the baby whom he has practically ignored from birth )as well as all the jobs around the house he currently does.Our house is old and needs constant ongoing repairs which he is very good at once he gets round to it. I realise this may sound very mercenary but I am trying to be practical.
If we did not have children I would not hesitate for one second in asking him to leave.
Please advise, even if you have never been in this situation I would appreciate your input. Thanks

Worndown, you have answered your own question! Your life is incredibly hard now and you have three children. One less responsibility can only ease your burden!

I feel terribly sad for you. You do not deserve to be treated as you are being treated and your children do not need to be in an environment where this sort of behaviour is the norm.

I am no longer a single parent but was for seven years. I have several friends who are single parents and we all come from a variety of backgrounds and circumstances. Being a parent is hard, being a single parent is hard too but it is also immensely rewarding. The happiness and contentment that comes from being out of a destructive relationship, regaining ones sense of self worth and enjoying ones child/ren for themselves cannot be quantified. Children are happy when they are in a stable, happy home and often being a lone parent supplies this in a way the two parent partnership did not. It is easier being a single parent with a network of support but the network of support helps all parents whatever their circumstances. Also, IME it is easier to develop that network of support when one is on ones own, particularly with other women in the same situation.

Worndown, you say that if you did not have children you would not hesitate to leave him but what does he actually give thats good to your childrens quality of life? It maybe a cliche but life really is too short to spend it with someone who treats you so badly and whom you feel so negatively about.

HTH, let us know how things are going, Winnie

Worndown - I'm glad Winnie has given you some advice drawn from experience. I've been a single parent for 5 years but did not come out of a bad relationship with her father so don't really have a compare and contrast situation.

However, the bad news first:

It is hard being on your own. I don't know whether you work or whether you plan to (or could afford to) but if you do you will be knackered ALL the time.

Your house will be a constant mess.

You will have to be thinking of at least 10 things simultaneously.

If you don't have family nearby to help, you will have hardly any social life. But that's ok because....

...you will have no money!

HOWEVER

The good things:

You make the rules, there will be no playing off one parent against the other

You get all the credit when your kids are fantastic (you can blame the dad if they're not!)

You have an excuse for the house being a mess all the time.

You will have the evenings to yourself, no more bickering, being put down etc.

Your kids will grow up, realise you were wonderful, and you will not always be skint (or as skint!)

I am being a little flippant. But, if you do split up, try to ensure an amicable arrangement with their father to give yourself a break. Plus, ensure he contributes financially to lessen that burden.

Hope this is of some use. It is not easy but there are lots of single parents out there so it's not impossible. All the best.

Worndown, I sympathise, your situation sounds awful. I agree with everyone else's comments. I was a single parent for 2 years after leaving a relationship that was wrong for me. It wasn't at all abusive, but was not satisfying emotionally, intellectually or physically. There were many, many times when I thought about going back for all the wrong reasons, (money, security, loneliness) because it was hard. But I survived because:

I made friends with other single mums (and married mums). I cannot tell you how much these friendships helped me and meant to me. We would cook for each other, stay at each other's houses sometimes, share advice and moan together. We also took turns to sometimes give each other a break (although not as much as I would have liked!)

I tried and tried to maintain a civilised relationship with my ex and to ensure that ds saw his father. Since dh was very hurt that I'd left, this was hard as he ignored me and our son for the first year. However, he has since come round and we are good friends. He sees our son every other weekend, pays maintenance, takes him on holiday, calls him every day and has a very good relationship with him.

I wish I'd had more family support at the time, but my parents lived too far away. Even if your families are upset, it's your life and you should explain this and ask for their help and support if you can.

Look after yourself! Easier said than done sometimes when you're on your own, but I tried to get the odd night out. And I did drink too much the first six months, but then I got a grip and realised that it wasn't helping. (Glad this is anonymous!)

Money is a pain, but your ex will have to pay maintenance. See a solicitor about whether you could stay in the house since you are the main carer.

It's interesting that you say if you didn't have children you wouldn't hesitate to leave. I think that tells you something about the relationship.

So, my advice in the end is that it's hard, but it's worth it if you are in the wrong relationship. And I firmly believe that children are happier with one happy parent than two warring ones. Hope this helps. Good luck whatever you do.

worndown
never knew my h had a twin brother til I read your posting! Mine also shouts at me, sometimes for an hour at a time. It is a nightmare. Like me, you say he is a great father, but part of being a good father is treating his wife properly. My children see their mother being told off every day as part of normal life.

Why is he doing it, and does he understand that it?s pointless, stupid and unkind? If so, how does he justify his behaviour? Is he feeling neglected himself and taking it out on you? Is he unhappy in his career? What would his reaction be if you said firmly that he has to stop shouting at you, or the marriage is over? Would he make an effort to change his behaviour, or would he accept divorce? Or would he be able to start talking about what he wants out of marriage, and what he is prepared to give?

I?ve also got 3 children, and have looked at the economics of being a s p. I earn £32,000 a year, and even with wftc, don?t think I could go it alone until they are all at school. I wouldn't want to go on benefits because we'd have to sell our house and move to somewhere rented. I don't count on maintenance, as there's no guarantee that he'd pay it regularly etc, and anyway, I DONT WANT to get into legal wrangles with him. My monthy salary is £1900, mortgage and dds are c £900, food/petrol is £150 a week x 4.5, other bills are £1-200 a month, leaves c £100 from my salary, plus whatever the wftc came up with. A friend in a similar situation gets c £400 a month. £500 a month won?t pay for childcare for 3 kids, we would need around £1500 a month for childcare. But after they are all at school, it would be possible to be a s p and maintain a lifestyle roughly the same as what we have now.

Worndown, I am in exactly the same situation as you are. My husband has decided he wants to split so I am being forced to deal with "becoming" a single parent on my own (children 9, 5 and 4m).

I also ask myself silly things - I KNOW me and the children would be better off without him (although I do still love him but don't actually like him). For what he actually contributes to them, it hurts me to say, but they wouldn't actually miss him - it is me that takes them swimming lessons, football practice, over the park, etc.

It is the day to day things I worry about. He is still living with me at the moment (although he is in the loft) and the days that I work (Wed and Thur) he takes the two eldest to breakfast club at their school while I drop the baby off at my S-I-L. If he actually left, there is no way I could actually get my two eldest into breakfast club as it doesn't open until 7:45 and I have to leave home at 7:30 so that I have enough time to drop the baby off and get into work.

It is also the practical side of how I would manage to pay for things. I get paid £14,000 and work only two days - I could not increase my days as I wouldn't want to be away from my children any more than what I am (although I do like working) and also it wouldn't actually benefit me as I would have to give my S-I-L more money.

I take home (with overtime) about £1100 a month - our mortgage is £650, other direct debits about £300 a month and food shopping £100 a week (x4) so straight away I would not have enough money to even survive.

Why I am talking about this as though it won't happen I don't know as it is happening and it is happening now - I am a single parent really except he does still live with me and does contribute to the household bills (we have a joint account).

The only thing that keeps me going is a good friend of mine left her husband 2 years ago (he was a very dominating, control-freak, very manipulative, etc.) and she decided to leave him. The one bit of advice she gives me is "to not leave the house" as he will go eventually. Two years on, she is living in a new area with a new man, new job and she is just so happy and settled. When I think back on how she was 18 months/2 years ago, she has come so far and I hope that in 2 years time I can look back at this period in my life and feel I have moved on.

Bumblelion
You will be ok. I am sure you will manage and will be so much better off without him and so much happier. Besides, he should be paying you maintenance for the kids ! You can take the bastard to court if not. Have you looked into what benefits you can claim ?
Keep your chin up - you will probably feel a lot happier and meet someone who is more deserving of you.

Worndown,

I have read your message and feel so sad for you. You do not deserve a man like this. Being a good father is not enough. You deserve respect. Just because he is good with the kids does not mean he should treat you like that. Maybe if you did stand up with him he may respect you - I don't know as I've never actually been in that situation but my mother and father have both been married twice now and although their relationship is very amicable they have both had nightmare partners !! My mum's ex was a complete bully and my dad's current wife is the same. A bullying cow. My dad never stands up to her and it just gets worse whereas my mum stood up to my step dad and kicked him out - we moved to a smaller house and she managed on her own with my brother and I although we were older and at school. Have you not got family who can help with childcare and re the money. Make him bloody pay maintenance !!! My brother is a barrister specialising in family law if you need any advice I know a lot of good family lawyers.

bumblelion - hope you don't mind me asking but, what do you do to earn such a good salary for 2 days work? How many hours do you do over those 2 days? I'm in need of a career change, preferably a lucrative one.

Tinker, I am only a secretary for a large building company. I have worked here for over 15 years and every time I have tried to leave they have offered me more money to stay. I work in London and work from 9:00 to 5:30 with over an hours travelling in each direction but, as I say, it is only two days a week.

Bumblelion - thanks for that and lucky you. You could earn more in 3 days than I get full time!!! Just jealous ;0

Thank you all for your wonderful responses.
I smiled when I read the financial calculations , Bumblelion and tempname2 - I have gone through these calculations again and again in my head. Tempname my incomings and outgoings are very similar to yours.Sorry your husband is so similar to mine too.
To add more detail, I work four and a half days (on average, doing shifts) a week and am the sole earner. My husband is the full time at home parent ( purely because my job pays much more than his) Like probably most of you we don't have an extravagant lifestyle, most of my wage goes straight on the household bills. I just don't see how we could get by financially if we split up as my salary would not cover childcare ( and they are so well looked after by their dad). I can't see how he would contribute financially as he has no job ( and is frankly workshy about any job other than raising the kids)
I know some of you have said he can't be a good father due to how he treats me, but in all other respects he is. I am not defending his nastiness to me, just that it doesn't negate all his good aspects regards the children.
I really don't know what to do. I feel I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Accept the status quo and feel bullied and unhappy, or make the break and be a worn out physical wreck and probably unable to maintain my lovely home I worked twenty years to achieve!!! Which would you choose? (forcing a smile)

Yet more similarities, Worndown! I too am the one who goes out to work, for the same reason. The difference is that my h shouts at me because he is unhappy in our marriage. He wants to leave, but he can't because he knows I couldn't manage on my own financially until the children are at school. I, on the other hand still love him! I've tried and tried to be his type of woman, but I'm just not smart or clever enough. I might manage it one day, but he doesn't want to wait around for it, or forgive me for past mistakes.
I've thought about something like buying the house next door to ours if it comes up for sale, and us divorcing, so that he could carry on looking after the children, and they could stay close to both of us. It might work because we are both committed to our children. Financially, we could do it on a Buy To Let, if we increased the mortgage on our present house to provide a deposit.
If your h reformed his ways and stopped bullying you, would you want to stay married to him? What would happen if you simply got up and walked out of the house when he is shouting at you? The fact that you don't take action suggests that you are afraid of physical violence, though you said otherwise. Do you think he is just trying to reassert his leadership of the family which he has lost in some way because you are the provider? Unsympathetic point: Why doesn't he go on a course to improve his job prospects, so that you could have a turn at being at home for a change? Or get a weekend/evening job to increase his self respect?
Sorry to repeat this point, which you have denied twice, but a good father shouldn't be driving the mother of his children to be considering divorce!

Tempname I am in the same situation as you as I still love my husband although I don't actually like him (for the way he has been/is treating me). He went out the other weekend with a girl from work who he knows I have a "problem" with and it hurt so bloody much (I was in tears all day Saturday - after he had told me he was going out with her - and all day Sunday. The one time I felt okay was when he had actually p*ssed off out. He was also out Friday night just gone - when I asked him if he was out on his own he only said no. He is also out with his mates from work this Saturday and I know she is going to be there too. The funny/weird thing is that he is talking about replacing all the fence panels in our back garden whic is going to cost over £500. Because he is going to spend this money on the garden does it mean he has no real intention of ever going - I have told him I will never leave.

My friend who did leave her husband and is now happy thinks he will move in with the girl from work straight from our house, although when this will be I have no idea. I know she is now living on her own as she has left her partner. The one thing that worries me the most is getting the two elder children into breakfast club at school the two days I work in the office. I cannot physically do this without being late for work (a once off wouldn't be a problem but not two days a week, every week) so I can't see how he can move in with her as she lives in the same village where he works which is over an hours drive from our house.

(Excuse the typing I am trying to type with a baby in my arms).

Dear Worndown,

I sympathise with you completely. I am a working, divorced, single mother of 4 children aged from 3 to 9 years. I had to throw my alcoholic husband out because life had become so unbearable. Your husband sounds almost like a clone of my ex-husband- concerning the fat/ lack of personal hygiene.

All I can say is that life as a single mother (in a foreign country, in my case) is hard BUT oh so much easier than being worn into the ground by the constant verbal abuse, fear, anxiety and suspicion. After years of verbal and physical abuse, you completely lose all sense of self respect and start believing the insults, regardless of how strong you are.

Do something about it NOW. He is not giving your children the sort of example they need and it might actually give him the incentive he needs to do something about his problems. Being a mum is difficult enough without having some nerd eroding your confidence. You will be amazed how well you can cope on your own. Anyway, how can he ignore the baby, what kind of a father is that?

There is a solution to every problem and you would be amazed how quickly you become a competent DIY-er, etc; you will also quite often find yourself receiving help from quite unexpected sources.

I'm sorry if I'm sounding too dogmatic but I've been there, seen the film, read the book and bought the T-shirt. You can do it.

Yes it is awful but I feel very sorry for you. I have always gone from one relationship to the other which is easier in the short term but means you have more problems if the next relationship hits the rocks, which it always seems to do. This man doesn't seem to respect you - if he can't even be bothered to clean his teeth, yeuuch - and his anger sounds frightening.

A few things I can say to help:

Try and stash some money before you consider leaving. See how much you can put into a totally separate bank account, open a savings account in your own name if you need to and DON'T TELL HIM. Also look at things like jewellery that you can sell if there is an emergency, like your engagement ring. Give them to a trusted friend if you need to and NEVER throw a diamond ring back in his face, no matter how much satisfaction it will give you (I did this and boy, I lived to regret it).

Get him to fix up the house as best you can, as soon as possible. You and your kids are going to need somewhere to live and if you're a working single mum you don't want to be messing around with builders too.

If you don't have a job, get one. You will need one if you make the break and it is much easier to get one now, no matter how hard it seems.

Also you say father of your children, not husband so if you are not married you need to find out about how everything would be divided. Go to the Citizens Advice or a solicitor if you can afford and again, DON'T TELL HIM. You need to know where you stand.

Tell your friends but ask them to keep it secret at the minute. They probably suspect something is up and when things have gone wrong for me, I have always been surprised by the amount of support my friends came out with.

This probably sounds very cynical, never mind mercenary, but I've been there! And I made a dog's breakfast of things sometimes so hopefully you can learn from my mistakes. It's really tough and I would be lying if I said sometimes I have not cursed my decisions but sometimes splitting up is for the best. And if you take away the day-to-day bad-mouthing and the rest, that's going to make things easier for you too. Good luck babe!

Just hoping your okay... Zoe xxx