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Original poster

MIL invites dh ONLY on trip to Oz....

17 replies

jampot · 26/03/2004 16:38

My dh's birth mum last night asked my dh if he would like to go to Oz next year with her and her hubby to meet his half sisters.. I think I'm pissed off with her but not entirely sure why.

It would mean taking his 2 week holiday (he has set holidays) in the Summer and a week of unpaid leave (which we can't afford) and it would obviously mean we miss out on our family holiday as (a) he'll be saving to go to Oz and (b) he won't be here! Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
papillon · 26/03/2004 16:41

Are u sure that she means to exclude you? Are u and the family able to go as well?

expatkat · 26/03/2004 16:42

No, I'd be pissed off too.

On the other hand these are highly unusual circumstances. . .his birth mom (new in his life?), meeting half sisters. Can you definitely not afford to go too? That seems the most obvious answer, for you to join. His birth mum can't object to that.

Original poster
jampot · 26/03/2004 16:44

The offer was just to dh - and no we can't afford for us all to go (not sure we can afford for dh to go) as we are trying to move house.

OP posts:
papillon · 26/03/2004 16:46

What does your dh think about it all?

Hulababy · 26/03/2004 16:47

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel aggrevied either. I would ask DH what he feels about it.

Original poster
jampot · 26/03/2004 16:52

He's really smitten with her right now and anything she suggests he tends to go along with quite happily. My sisters and I get together on Boxing Day and have done for years (since before our mum died) and also on Easter Sunday. It seems to be the only time the three of us get together. Well for Xmas 2003 my bmil said to dh that she would like us round to her on Boxing Day which of course we had to go along with. And now she's said she wants us round for Sunday lunch over Easter!

OP posts:
MrsGrump · 26/03/2004 17:07

AT risk of being the odd one out... I'm not sure it's so bad. When you say "birth mum" was this a mum he was estranged from from early childhood, and hasn't been long back in touch with? If it's part of him rediscovering family he didn't know he had... I don't know. It's only 2 weeks, but it doesn't seem so selfish to keep it simple and let him go and just deal with meeting siblings he has never met before without the distractions of his own family. It'd be different if the birth mum did this every year. Is there any way you could afford to go with him?

papillon · 26/03/2004 17:42

Would she maybe contribute towards the fare - so that you could all go?

It would not be nice to miss out on your annual family holiday. Have u talked to him about it?

Chandra · 26/03/2004 17:53

Agree with MG, if it's the first time I guess that should be terribly important for him, and not selfish at all, now if he's to be with them every year that another thing...

PCPlum · 26/03/2004 18:36

Looking at it from your dh' point of view it will be the opportunity of a lifetime. Not only does he get to go on a holiday with his birth mother but he also gets to meet his sisters for the first time. I can understand how galling it must be for you. You get left behind to deal with everything and miss out on a holiday yourself. Would you be able to save enough for maybe a weekend break somewhere? Not only would it give you a much-needed family holiday but it would give you something to look forward to.

Original poster
jampot · 26/03/2004 19:18

I guess you're right - I am being selfish. I really wanted to go to Ireland this year on hols to sort out a couple of houses we have an interest in over there etc (and meet up with my cousins) but he now says we can't afford it 'cos we're moving. I guess I feel it's okay to spend on something he wants to do but not something I do.

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 28/03/2004 05:35

I'm sorry, but irrespective of the circumstances (opportunity to meet half sisters etc) I don't think you are being selfish. Why the heck should you and the kids not get a family holiday... I think your dh's birth mother is being crassly insensitive however.

If she can afford to cough up for him to go, she can afford to at least subsidise you too.

Jimjams · 28/03/2004 10:04

How old are your children? If they're still young and hard work then I think 2 weeks in Oz is too much. If they're a bit older and able to amuse themseleves then I think it could be bearable.

Did his bmother have any other children? Did she bring up young kids herself? If not she may not realise that she's being unfair.

I agree with hmc- you either all go, or none. Puts you in a very difficult position though.......

suedonim · 28/03/2004 20:20

I've a friend who found her birth-mother after 30+ years. She specifically wanted to meet her bm alone a few times, until she was sure that the relationship was going to continue. She later introduced her dh and children into the equation. Maybe that's a factor for your dh and his sisters?

I'd be a bit annoyed about my holiday, I must admit, but I wouldn't worry too much about being on my own for a couple of weeks. I've always found the thought of dh being away worse than the deed and in some ways it's a holiday in itself - eg having the bed to myself! Do you have any family/friends where you could go for a break, yourself?

Original poster
jampot · 29/03/2004 09:43

Thanks for your responses ladies. First of all, we would be paying for dh to go on trip (if he does go). Also it transpires now that they are going in February (my dh has no time off in Feb so would need to take all the time as unpaid leave!)

Our children are 11 and 7 so not hard work at all.

I've been trying to analyze my feelings over this and last night it ocurred to me that I feel she is "the other woman". It's our wedding anniversary today and dh is always moaning about money and I know he hasn't got me a pressie. I couldn't help mentioning it last night and he said it's a waste of money and if I wanted to go an order myself some flowers I could go ahead and do it. This p'ed me off because only last week he sent his bm a lovely bouquet of flowers for Mothers Day (and baulked at giving the children something to spend on me)!!!

OP posts:
kiwisbird · 29/03/2004 09:55

I think that if the money perhaps wasn't such an issue then you wouldn;t have to feel that it came down to you and her - there is a lot of "cost" for you and not just money. It is hard to reconcile the loss of pay, holidays and possibly putting off a house move for such a trip. It is very unusual circumstances.
It is something only you and DH can sort out I feel though, but you are not being selfish, you are being affected so you have every right to object!

Jimjams · 29/03/2004 10:23

oh dear jampot. No wonder you're annoyed. I suppose he will start to view her more realistically soon. He sounds rather rose tinted about her at the moment.

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