He's gone to stay with a friend

[happywannabe]

Regular; name changed - very adrift.

Married for 16 years. DH has been very unhappy for a long time. When we talked about it it was always frustration with work, though we talked about the fact that it was really his attitude that was making him miserable rather than the work per se. He has been grumpy for ages. This year has been particularly tough and I have been really very emotionally down, but having HRT now and things are feeling a little more normal. DD is off to uni in September and we have been told we are going to have to move from our (rented) house.

Obviously we have been discussing what will happen when we move and during one of the discussions I said I would "not die" if he left. This was news to him as he has always felt/known that I adore him and I guess felt he just couldn't leave for that reason. Since then we have gone from a much more candid than ever before discussion/assessment of our relationship to, this morning, him announcing that he was taking some time off work and going to stay with his mate for a few days. This is a very good friend of his (whose emotional/marital history is not ideal - but perhaps it gives him plenty of experience to relate to...).

I've not told anyone; not even the DCs (he does work away sometimes and this will appear normal). He says there is no-one else; I'm not naive but the circumstances would have me thinking that this was precipitated by our discussion giving him an opportunity to reassess how responsible he is for my happiness.

It seems his main reason for unhappiness in the marriage is that I am fat. I am fat - but I guess I never realised it was such a big issue for him. I haven't even begun to unpick how I feel about that one. There have been issues relating to him withdrawing for a very long time and I think he has gone away to see if he is able to (re-)commit without withdrawing; if he can see a future for us together.

I don't want a relationship where he stays because he feels he must, ie trading his happiness for mine. We've discussed the fact that this doesn't make anyone happy anyway. But I am, frankly, in bits.

I don't know what to say or do.

Would not know what to advise, just wanted to offer support and hand holding. I imagine it's very upsetting that weight has been mentioned, I'm overweight myself and would be hurt if DH mentioned it was a problem.

The fat thing sounds like he just dragged it up out of somewhere as an excuse for being a miserable bastard. My theory is it's a thing he knows you feel a bit sensitive about so he thought he'd throw it in there. I would further suggest that if you went on a diet and exercise regime and got all sylph-like he'd find something else to grumble about next. (Or maybe that was just my ex.)

The time-honoured response is to say you can lose 12 stone of excess weight overnight by divorcing it. Well, it's an option...

I'm so sorry OP.

It sounds like there has been a long term breakdown of this relationship. The weight thing is a red herring to me, honestly. And fairly nasty of him to even bring up, unless it's in a very gentle way. He sounds like he needs a lot of counselling if he's going to be happy I mean that in a completely neutral way. I just think that when a person is unhappy for literally years on end and they never change their behaviour, seek out counselling, talk to their spouse about it properly, etc. then they honestly don't have the emotional skills to be in a relationship.

I can imagine you are looking for ways to make this better. I would resist that. Let him do his own thing and leave him alone as much as you can. You don't want to coax or convince him back. If he's going to make a go of it with you, then he needs to decide that on his own.

There's always a risk that there's another woman involved -- but you know what, that's all the more reason just to leave him to it.

All the best.

Thanks Jayne. Of course I am upset but we were going for total honesty so I can't really complain.

Annie, haha, but I'm not at the point where I want divorce or even to threaten it. To be totally fair, he had said it was an issue before - I guess I just didn't realise how much of an issue. And I do wonder whether if it is the focus of the moment and if I was sylph-like it would be something else. Perhaps it's easier for both of us to blame it on the fat - because if it's not the fat then it's just me that he doesn't want to be with, not isolated parts that can be discussed but the whole package, that can't be changed.

Oikopolis thanks for your insight. It was said very gently and with great reluctance. He doesn't feel he does have the skills to be in a relationship, I think, unless that is a red herring as well.

I am resisting trying to do anything but let him try to find out what is going on in his head. It's good to be reminded why.

I think it's really cruel of him to use your weight as a reason to leave. I'm overweight too by the way but if my husband had an issue with it (which he doesn't by the way) I'd expect him to work out with me or go on long walks with me to encourage me to lose the weight whilst spending time together. To just say it's your weight and then sod off to a friends makes me feel it's just a red herring (for example my ex husband turned around and said the reason he was leaving me was because of my mother- whom he'd hardly spent any time with in our whole marriage).

Whatever happens I really don't think you should be changing yourself to make someone else happy. Long term it's just going to make you miserable.

Fairy did you ever get a decent reason from your ex? Or did he just stick to the mother story? Of course I agree you can't change for someone else but I am interested in the whole concept of what a relationship asks of you. For example DH was living a very carefree life when we met (basically out of a car) - seeming to be very happy with it but in fact rootless and miserable. Now he has roots and stability but that doesn't seem to have done it for him either. This feels quite classic mid-life crisis to me. I feel that I have changed a lot just because of the demands of children and just growing older, and part of me completely understands that he wants the old fun back, probably the old me back. So do I.

I agree. It's a red herring, please please don't take it on board. I think that sometimes people leaving a relationship feel they have to have a reason. It is also what people who are cheating do. I know you don't think there is an ow but just be ready for all eventualities.

I think (and this is coming from someone who is in their third marriage :) ) that some people are just miserable bastards essentially and spend their whole lives feeling like life is passing them by only to fail to enjoy the life they actually have. My first marriage I was the one like that. I left. The second one (the one who blamed my mother) was like that. It's sort of a mid life crisis but doesn't necessarily have to be mid life. Can be any time I think.

I never really got a solid reason from my second husband. It ranged from my mother, me always being miserable (even though he was the one with clinical depression), to not being in love with me and wanting to be in love with someone again to basically saying I was boring "it's like living with a nice family but it's not my family" as well apparently.

And then I found out he'd gone back to the ex he had before me that he'd been speaking to all along on Facebook. But I don't think she was the reason for him leaving. I think (being brutally honest here) he'd just had enough of me.

I think it's possible to disect all the reasons people do things for days.. but ultimately it's not making either of you happy. I do think there has to be compromise in relationships but I also think you need to agree on basic fundamental stuff and appreciate each other for who you are. I finally have that with my third husband.

I generally however think relationships are hell. Or maybe just other people are..... :)

I think he has indeed gone away to figure out if he is miserable with me or just a miserable bastard

And then of course what to do with that information. I feel as if I am waiting for a judge to pronounce sentence though. Waiting - not my best thing.

I don't think you should wait for him to make all the decisions. What can you do for yourself? What do you like to do? Find some things that will build your own self esteem so you can start to make decisions about what you want to do. When my dh left I decorated my bedroom pink and purple as I knew he would hate it and I had always wanted it like that and I made a list if books I always wanted to read and treated myself to a kindle and began to work through them. I also loaded up my mp3 player with typical "fuck you" tracks and went out walking with my headphones in for hours everyday. Helped me get a bit fitter and made me feel better too.

Things seem bleak now but honestly they will get better x

Yeah, I know. I know only part of it is waiting for him. But actually we have both just lost sight of who we are. Both so committed to the kids and the relationship that we seemed to let go of anything that felt threatening to that. So you asking me what I like...I feel like I don't even really know. Perhaps that is just shock and grief talking and in a while I'll be all over good times for myself.

But at the moment I just feel pretty bleak.

Appreciate the contact though