Cutting off contact with baby's father

[GuavaEater]

My daughter, who lives with me, has a 9-month-old baby and is separated from the baby’s father because of his violence towards her. His name is not on the baby’s birth cert.

He has refused to take any therapy for the blind rages that come over him, so we’ve had to make sure that his time with the baby is supervised. As I am usually the supervisor, I can say that he is a very sweet and loving father, but he keeps on threatening my daughter whenever he doesn't like her decisions.

After recent threats of stealing the baby, turning the baby against her, etc. we are tempted to cut him out completely while the baby is too small to really miss him and before she is old enough to be aware of this conduct.

We do not live in the UK.

I’d be interested to know what people advise.

I think people will say: the baby has a right to see/know her father. Rather than the other way round. So you can't really cut contact. Although, I completely understand how it seems more convenient to do so. (I have been in this situation).

Won't the child's father put up a fight?

What does the law say in the country you are in?

These decisions are often not as straight forward as the first seem.

You will have to deal with your daughters baby asking questions in the years to come. And that the father may have a different set of events.

Seek legal advice.

A father who is not on the birth certificate here has no parental rights. He could go to court, but is unlikely to.

Yes, we are trying to look at it from the point of view of what is in the best interests of the baby. And of course, I only have an advisory rule, my daughter very much makes up her own mind.

I would put the risk of him hurting the child physically or emotionally above explaining to the child in later life why her biological father is not around. I would be happy to explain to a teen I made a decision with her safety in mind. All a parent can do is make a decision based on the facts available at the time.

If he's continuing to abuse the mother at every opportunity and threatens to abduct the baby I would say that ending contact is very sensible. This is not a man ready to be a good father. Good fathers think about their children's needs first whereas he sees the baby as a means to meet his needs - to control her mother. Good fathers don't abuse their babies' mothers.
Unless you live in a country that would hand him contact/residence on a plate because he's male then go for it. Keep his contact details, photos etc so you can share them with the baby as she gets older but contact really isn't in her interests now.

Was the supervised contact arrangement something determined legally or something that you've put in place yourselves?

If any person presents a risk of emoti

Emotional/physical harm towards a child they should not be presented with the opportunity to do it.

Father or not. If he is threatening to take the baby etc he is a risk. If his threats are in the form of text or email please keep them. It sounds like he is still trying to control or intimidate your daughter.

Some father.........

Thanks for all your opinions.

No there is no court involvement, the supervised contact is an informal arrangement in our place.

It seems like these are things that he says when he loses his temper, like a child having a tantrum. He is addicted to mariguana and, from what I've read on other threads here, mariguana is not what it was in my young day, and these tantrums seem to go with the territory.

Anyway it looks like my daughter is choosing to continue trusting him and, so far, he is very affectionate and careful with the baby, even when she is being difficult.

I just worry about the effects on my dgc if we have to cut off contact when she is old enough to understand.

I'm going to close this thread now as this crisis has passed and my daughter seems to have taken her decision for the moment.

Thanks again everyone for taking the trouble to give your opinions.

If he presents a constant risk to your daughter, he's therefore a risk to you and the child as well. Especially if he's threatening to take the child. He's not on the birth certificate.

Cut contact until a time where he accesses therapy, and shows genuine changes in his behaviour.

If the access hasn't been established legally then there is nothing to stop anyone dropping contact completely and leaving it to him to fight for access. Puts the ball in his court and whether he chooses to pursue contact or not, that's what your grandchild will understand about him in due course.