I don't know how to help her.

[Spicymice]

I have name changed as this is about somebody else.

Sorry if it's long but I don't want to drip feed.

My niece is 21 and has been in a relationship (lives with him he's 26yo) for about 2 years. They have just had a baby boy around 6 weeks ago.

Before the baby was born there were issues. Mostly centred around his insecurities resulting in him accusing her of affairs when she was 8 months pregnant and pressuring her for sex in the week leading up to the birth. He accuses her of not loving him because she refused to have sex with him.

I managed to get her to come an stay with me for a few days but she went back to him.

Once the baby was born he seemed to relax a bit and was showing himself to be the doting father and loving partner ( I was not convinced but kept my mouth shut).

However she has just text me saying she is upset as she refused sex last night due to tiredness and he argued with her that she is sleeping with someone else! WTF she has a 6 week old baby!

I have tried over the last few months to explain that this is not a healthy relationship that he is abusive. I have e-mailed her the info for woman's aid and talked to her regarding housing/money etc but she remains with him. When she is with me she seems to think clearly but as soon as she speaks to him or goes back to him she forgets what I have said or what he has done.

I have tried talking to her mother but she is just so wrapped up in her life and new relationship the only concern she has is that my niece will leave the abusive fuckwit and move in with her thus spoiling all her fun

The sick thing is DN is currently awaiting a court date for charges she has brought against her father for child abuse (she reported it 2 years ago) which the fuckwit boyfriend is aware of. I have tried to get her to attend counselling but she refuses.

I live 200 miles away and I am going to visit her at the weekend but I am at a loss of how to handle this and what to do next.

I very much appreciate any advice and thank you in advance.

There's a useful link to the Womens Aid website here which gives some pointers on what to say and do in this situation. Your DN is vulnerable in a lot of respects, she probably lacks confidence, and she will be very reluctant to accept that his behaviour is abusive. Especially not when set against her father's behaviour which sounds very serious indeed. She will be highly motivated to keep her little family unit together and, if you are too heavy-handed in your intervention, he will play it that you are out to get him and may force her to choose.

Support in your niece's case is going to mean being a continued presence, taking her seriously and boosting her confidence in whatever way you can.

Thank you for your reply.

I am trying to advise her without pointing out what a complete shit he is (not easy) and I remain pleasant in his company as I am aware he could use any attitude from me as a weapon.

He hasn't hit her but I feel that is the next step he will take if he cannot emotionally control her. I am sorry to say but I am so frustrated with her and a little angry. She is a bright women and I have tried hard to be a strong influence in her life.
It was me she came to about her father and I have been there every step of the way. When she is with me she knows the relationship is wrong and she and her little boy deserve more and to be happy but it's like once he is with her the fuckwit changes her mind and convinces her it is her fault.

It's quite normal to feel frustrated and even angry with someone who seems unable/unwilling to help themselves in an obviously bad situation (been there, got that T shirt) just don't let your dn see that's how you feel at times.

But being there for her is unfortunately all you csn do.

I think to some extent you need to accept that you can't live her life for her. It sounds like she knows you are there for her, and you have made your feelings on the relationship clear. It must be incredibly frustrating for you, but she is the only one who can make the choice to leave. In the mean time all you can do, is keep doing what you are doing. She is lucky that she has your support. Hopefully eventually she will make the right choice.

Thank you everyone.

I suppose I wanted one of you to be able to wave a magic wand and make him disappear

I try to remain calm when I speak to her and so far I have refrained from calling him names and saying what I would like to see happen to him. I just keep repeating that only she can make decisions in her life and that no matter what she chooses I will be here for her.

What I really want to do is grab her and her beautiful baby punch fuckwit in the nuts and bring her home with me.

Maybe not a magic wand but I hear that for surprisingly little cash nasty bastards like her boyfriend can be made to disappear more permanently.... (Haven't researched it much, honest)

BTW.. you don't have to remain too pleasant in his company. You don't have to be overtly unpleasant for him to know that you're onto him. Your presence as guardian angel may be all that's acting as a restraint.

I have thought about that Cog

I am as pleasant as I have to be more so to ensure he does not take it out on her once I have left.

I made it quite clear to him a few months ago that she is very loved and protected and should anything ever happen to her the person responsible would be best leaving the country.
There are members of my extended family who as lovely as they are live a violent lifestyle (not that I condone it) and fuckwit knows this. I think this is one of the reasons he hasn't laid a finger on her.

The situation is not helped by the fact the her mother who lives in the same city appears not to give a shit what happens. I worry that I wouldn't see any physical abuse if it was happening.