He snores horrendously - AIBU not to share his bed?

[sus14]

I've posted before about the crap marriage I am in where there has been physical and verbal abuse in the past. I was all set to leave and indeed did earlier this year, before h decided that me and dd could move back and he would move out to a hotel. He's now reinvented this to mean that I made him walk the streets! It changed a bit when me and dd went on holiday a couple of months ago and it gave us a decent break, and he was nice when she rang and ok about the holiday (which he was meant to be on), so we fell into giving it another try and he moved back.

It's been up an down with a couple of verbal abuse episodes (always in front of dd) but on the whole much better. However today we had this awful scenario.

Dd is very excited about fathers day. Now I don't share a bed with h 99% because he snores massively loudly and I have insomnia issues anyway, and 1% because quite often i can't stand to be near him. He rants about it occasionally. This morning she said in front of him to me - so on fathers day please will you share a bed with daddy to make him happy. He said - ok so is that a done deal and I said but it would mean i have no sleep at all, so no. He went ballistic and starting ranting on and on about what a crap wife I am and how I just think about myself and how we never have sex etc (in front of dd).

I'm just so utterly miserable. Recently I got down to the final 2 on 2 ft jobs which would have made it financially possible for me to leave. But I didn't get either of them. I'm recovering from a bad virus and I'm not sure if that is making me feel down. I just don't know what to do. Everytime I think it could be ok and it could be nice (I just booked a table out for just the two of us for lunch on sat as dd has a party) then something like this happens and I feel as trapped as always.

I meant to change my life this year and get a new job and separate , but I'm massively failing at both. DD is obsessivley worrying about her parents splitting up, it's a huge burden for her and it would be better just to get it done. The only way I can make that happen is to move to my parents and I can't mentally take that, I really can't as I feel so fragile, h won't move out for anything. Previously he had said I could part buy him out and when my parents agreed to stump up the cash he went mental and said we were plotting against him and he would never leave this house. I can't afford to rent. If we sold I could afford something but in a different area , doable for primary school but would mean she would be in a different secondary school . She's so attached to this house and worries all the time about leaving it (even worries about whether she will have to leave it as an adult). But there is no way on this earth that h is leaving this house unless ordered to as part of a divorce settlement, and that would take a long time.

I was having counselling which was great but I just can't afford it. I've found a great solicitor but again don't have the cash to move on with this - and how can I do it when we're living together.

and i feel so depressed when i think that I would never be able to go on holiday on my own with dd - i look back at that time and feel so homesick for it - it was so lovely and calm and I could decide what to do with no drama.

sorry very self indulgent post. not sure if i have some sort of post viral depression as normally i don't feel so utterly defeated like this. I just don't have the fight for any of this anymore.

I am really sorry to read this.

It sounds very much like he manipulated that request out of her. That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. If he had a speck of humanity, he would be ashamed of himself. He is abusing her by the sexual talk in front of her, the verbal abuse of you in front of her - no wonder she is suffering so much.

And you, you are so strong to have coped with all this. Don't see yourself as weak or defeated. What you describe would be so much for anyone to bear.

Have you spoken to women's aid? They may be able to help and advise.

god i hadn't thought of that. i don't want to make even more of a big deal of it by asking her if he asked her to ask me though. he hasn't seen much of her recently as he's been busy at work including at weekend so i'm not sure when he could have suggested it to her but it would be right up his street to do so.

i've had several ranty emails from him today (to which i confess i have sent ranty emails back!) and he has said he has had enough and will leave. I've responded by saying it's all talk and he won't ever leave, it's going to be up to me to sort this out, as ever.

i can't believe he's even maniuplated our separation earlier this year to be me throwing him on the streets when i actually packed up and left with dd - he suggested we come back and he would move out as she was getting exhausted with commute to school. so it's not exactly as if i threw him out! plus i had good reasons to do so (incredible verbal abuse and manipulation).

I wish he would just leave. It's so bloody hard work leaving someone who won't leave when there is a child and a house involved. it's just so much disruption to her. i know this is wrong i totally know it and i have had a lot of support on here in the last year but it is so hard to actually make that step. and what is so annoying is that i had done it, and then he just decided to move back, and by then i didn;t want to move dd again.

no, no, of course you couldn't. It's good that she at least has you with her best interests at heart! It's just something for you to consider. How is she affected by it all? Whether he directly asked or hinted or whether repeatedly raising it at you in front of her caused her to say it - it's the same thing. Drawing her into the issues of an adult sexual relationship and / or his belief that you are not but should be sexually available to him and it's wrong. That's not something she should be exposed to.

It takes a lot to get out. Do you have current help and support to help you now?

my family all understand, it's taken them a while to realise but they do now. my parents have even offered to remortgage so that i can give him a small % (this came when HE suggested releasing some equity and then when nuts when i found a way of doing it). i've told most of my friends and I've gradually been telling them we're trying again so it feels like going around in circles.

at the end of the day its' only me that i can do this. and i need to issue a divorce petition as it's the only way i retain any control. he won't go to mediation ,he won't leave, i don't see that i have any other options.

i really don't think either me or dd could cope mentally with staying at my parents again, it's a long way from her school and it makes it hard for me to work - when he went i found it much better.

i know that ultimately i just need to make a decision and stick to it as at the moment he's able to persuade me round (even if it takes a few months).

i'm so pleased i went on holiday on my own with dd. It really showed me i could do it and how happy i could be. She liked the holiday but hated it being one parent but i think that is just an adjustment thing, sadly.