Ex-DH has been on holiday

[TortillasAndChocolate]

My ex hasn't seen DS for a couple of weeks as he said he needed to go away for work. He came to get him yesterday with a tan and said he'd been on holiday to Crete.

To give some backstory, he works for himself, and rarely pays maintenance. Sometimes he does, more often he doesn't, and he's stopped for the last month as he said he was struggling and couldn't afford it. I can now see why. (CSA is pointless as he can make it look like he earns nothing)

As an aside, I also had to fork out extra money for childcare on the days he would have had him in the last fortnight.

I want to book a holiday but because of my situation I'm struggling financially.

Would you say anything? Or just leave it? If I do say something, he will get really angry and say it's always about money with me, and he's so glad he left me. So maybe it's better to just get on with it.

I would explain to him about the childcare, as really, that should have been his responsibility.

But he doesn't sound big on responsibility, tbh, so I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for the cash.

I'd say something just so that he knows you're wise to his little game. No, it won't make any difference to his behaviour but I think sitting on this will just make you more resentful. You can be clever about it e.g. e-mail a simple demand for regular maintenance, adding in some reimbursement the extra childcare required while he was on holiday (and use the word 'holiday'). Ignore any abusive phone-calls you get in return but keep hold of any abusive texts or e-mails as they may come in handy in the future.

Thanks. Yes maybe text or email rather than phone or in person is better.

The funny thing is, about 3 weeks ago he came round and said, I just want you to know, I won't be going on holiday until I can afford to give DS the same amount of money I spend on the holiday. That was short-lived!

The reassuring thing about liars is that, once you know they're a liar, you can relax and assume everything that comes out of their mouths is bullshit. Saves a lot of time being disappointed :) Given that you're getting nothing out of him anyway, why not go to the CSA (or the new equivalent) for the maintenance? Sure he can try to crack on that he earns no money ever but he doesn't sound particularly intelligent and the HMRC hotline is just a phone-call away....

If he was working (as he said he was) he should certainly have the money to pay for the childcare.

If he was on holiday he should equally have arranged this with you properly in advance and included the cost of the childcare in his budget.

Unfortunately its incredibly hard to make someone assume their responsibilities if they don't 'get' it.

God it makes me so cross that some people are so bloody selfish.

I know, it makes me really angry. I for understand how someone can enjoy a holiday knowing they're not providing for their child.

Sometimes I just hope that my DS finds out what he's like when he grows up - but then other times I hope he doesn't, as I just want him to be happy.

Tortillas I know - being in the 'right' doesn't make up for seeing your children let down.

Hogwash has got it. Your DS will work it out for himself in the end.

He actually rang me just now to say he would have some money for me next week. I said ok, that would be good, I'm struggling at the moment and he said, yeah so am I. I said, ok but you have just been on a foreign holiday and he said, but I did it really cheaply

In his bizarre world I think he genuinely thinks he does the best he can. The problem is, if I contributed the same amount of money to DS's upbringing as him, he would have starved years ago!

And thanks everyone for your messages. It's just nice not to feel on my own sometimes

Oh OP that is really galling. Especially the feeling that he has you over a barrell iykwim

These men who don't provide for their kids are kist prize twats