surviving after the affair....

[Phoenixrising99]

My husband left last october after an affair with a woman from school. He told everyone it was a breakdown and not about her.

Fast forward to June, it has been a hard ride and i thought i was starting to cope.
However, he now is with her and tells all that he is really happy. Last week they waited together at the school gates for my children who have never hung out with her. It got into a slanging match where I called her a slapper and told her to get away from my kids etc.
My question is this: After all he has done to me and is now doing....why does it hurt so much and with all that i have read, about trying to get my husband/family back together (if i could forgive him etc, I would like the chance to at least try)... how on earth do i cope with the heart pain?

Its like i am fighting with myself all the time...I .can see how he has lied/disrespected me/continues to treat me like this yet why do i still feel sad and 'want him back'....yesterday we spent a day emailing each other, horrid emails with me telling him to keep the slapper away from me and my children, that he was a loser and to hurry up with my financial offer etc.... I am still shaking with hurt and anger....
And i still have to deal with friends who still hang out with him and next will be my children having to spend time with him...
I just cannot cope with all this...when will it end...

Sorry you're feeling so upset but, in relationship break-down terms, October is practically yesterday. The end of a marriage is a hugely traumatic experience because it not only affects you on a personal/emotional level being so comprehensively rejected, but also your life has to change and your DCs' lives have to change. As well as struggling to come to terms with the hurt, you sound like you have financial worries and may be looking at a house move. Disruption. IME it takes at least 2 years to feel in any way normal and stable.

To be so quickly replaced by someone new just adds to the visceral feeling of rejection. Turning up at school the way they did is therefore deeply insensitive on his part. (He's responsible for his family & not her) Plus, after however many years you spent together with the accumulation of happy memories and shared experiences, it's tough to switch off old feelings. Above all, it feels unfair that he's skipping into the metaphorical sunset with his new partner and you're still on the starting blocks and going nowhere. 'Comparison is the thief of joy'

I think you're going to have to reorganise your life and detach more if you want to stop feeling this way. No contact with him for a start beyond what is strictly needed for the children. Legal matters put straight to your solicitor. Angry personal e-mails are only going to make you feel 10 x worse and rejected all over again. You may need to make new friends if you find it difficult to be with people who know him. Relocation might even be required for a fresh start. Time to start thinking of the future and making small steps towards it, however difficult it may be from here.

Good luck

I remember your first post phoenix - maybe because that was the nn I was going to change to

I split from my stbxh in September last year. I can't add too much to cog's excellent post but just to say that you will have times when you are coping and feel like you are moving on and then times when it seems to come crashing down.

You are only hurting yourself by getting into an email 'war' with him. It might feel good to get it across to him but trust me, he's not listening.

FWIW, I am always suspicious of those who have to declare to others how happy they are especially knowing it will get back to you.

Go back to basics, baby steps. Make small plans to move forward.

I wish you strength and peace of mind.