Mother issues

[AdamantEve]

Had a recent breakthrough in thinking about my family, mainly DM.

DM constantly paying for and buying things for my younger siblings e.g holidays, iPads etc etc, then moans to me she has no money.

Aside from her selective generosity, DM is just...selfish? Always talks about herself, obsessed with appearance and that of others, always commenting on whether I've lost weight or not.
When I got engaged EVERY conversation around that time was about how she and her partner were planning to get married - it sounds petty but it was me who was engaged, not her, so why couldn't we talk about my wedding plans?!

After telling her on the phone DP had proposed to me, she text me 4 photos of her and her partner! Totally unrelated to the event! It's as though I can't have something happen to me without it being turned back round to her.

I think she's always treated me as a confidante rather than a daughter? I remember her talking to me aged 5 about my bio DF having an affair...this is completely inappropriate I now realise and there have been MANY similar situations over the years.

I know it sounds horrible but she is starting to irritate me a lot as it feels a bit like she is in competition with me and that's my role whereas my (much younger) siblings are treated like her children should be (in more ways than just having things bought for them!)

I've only mentioned a few things that are the tip of a huge iceberg really and I don't think I've really been able to express what the issue is. But the crux of my post is to ask how do I process the feeling that my relationship with DM doesn't feel like I think it should?

She certainly sounds as though she has narcissistic tendencies e.g. talking about herself, flashy gifts, uninterested in others. 'Queen Bee' attention-seeking types are always difficult to deal with. She also sounds rather immature with poor boundaries if she treats a child as a confidante. How old was she when she had you?

FWIW is there is no one 'right' model of how someone should relate to their mother or vice versa. We're all individuals with our own personalities and, when you have children of your own some day, you'll realise it's very easy to make mistakes and look like an idiot, even when you have the best intentions.

So I would suggest that you take your DM on face value as a human being - warts and all - rather than imposing some idea of perfect motherhood on her that is out of step with reality and getting eaten up with resentment as a result. Engage with her the way you would anyone else e.g. if you think she's being ridiculous or insensitive or she's oversharing personal information, say so.

Yes, immature definitely sums her up I think.

I do have two children of my own and I think it's actually through raising them that I've started to question my own DMs behaviour. Only the other day she said she couldn't remember what secondary school I went to, I can't imagine how you'd forget something like that about your child! And she's young and has no general issues around memory - I sometimes feel like she's trying to be as completely disinterested in me as possible!

She's clearly very self absorbed and I would also say that she is one of those people who finds being a responsible adult so much of a challenge that they prefer to identify with children and teenagers pretending they still are one themselves. How young a grandmother is she?

Its often the case that when women go onto have children of their own do they question the ways in which they themselves were raised. Men who partner up with narcissistic women rarely stay the distance; they are either dumped or become willing enablers to them. Narcissists as well find it almost impossible to hold down any relationship.

I would think that your mother is indeed narcissistic in terms of personality and such people do not change an iota. They certainly never apologise nor take any responsibility for their actions.

Do you have any sort of relationship with her now?. Given her past behaviours towards you as well I would be thinking carefully about the overall amount of contact she actually has with your children. Such people really do not make for being good grandparents.

I've just come back to say I've had to leave this for the time being as posting this has made me think about things in a different light and I'm feeling angry, hurt, confused...all kinds of negative emotions which are increasing day by day with ongoing things my DM keeps doing!

So I'm not in the right frame of mind to discuss it all now although will probably come back to it in time. Lots of issues here I think.

Thanks to those who replied