I need to forgive my Dad because he needs my help..

[MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday]

But I'm finding it difficult.

In a nutshell my father is a self absorbed selfish, fantasist, who made my childhood miserable and my mum's life awful,..verbal and sometimes physical abuse, until he had one of his many affairs and left when my brother was a baby.

Now, at 68 he is dying slowly due to his 40 a day habit . he has emphysema and other lung problems, is frail, terribly depressed and housebound. He lives 120 miles away from me and has a housekeeper for day to day stuff and my brother lives a few miles away and pops in twice a week. He holds my brother (who is much younger than me) to ransom with emotional blackmail saying he will die if he moves away :(

Said brother is struggling, as he has a g'friend who lives in london in the week and they both want to move nearer there, but he can't because of Dad. I have only found this out today.

My brother needs a chance.. he's just turned 30 and has a future with his g'friend. SO I need to step up and step in. I can't do bi weekly visits at that distance (I work, have teens) but I could manage weekly at a push. I know I should.. he is my father, but I am struggling, because even after many years, I cannot really forget or forgive him for being a lousy father to me, and he is a tedious liar still, and now a massively morbid one...all he talks about is how soon he will be dead!

How do I DO this? I need to.. I feel obliged, and also I want to take the pressure off my brother ( I am very angry with Dad for his blackmail too) and I kind of want to man up and be the better person despite everything.

But HOW?

Why do you need to? Just because he's ill doesn't mean you have to give up everything and rush to look after him. Harsh, maybe, but what dies he deserve?

I think mostly because if I don't step in, my brother will be tied until he dies, and I can't bear that for him.. knowing my dad it could still be a couple of years away!

Also, I don't want to be as bad a daughter as he has been a father, because tho he doesn't deserve it, I will feel guilty if I don't. I haven't been needed til now :/

sadly it doesn't sound like his illness has mellowed his character or changed his behaviour or attitude. It sounds like he is emotionally blackmailing your brother. If it was me I would be supporting my brother and encouraging him to live his life as he wants. Your father has had his life and chosen how he has lived it and now it is for you and your brother to make the most of yours

From what you say, you feel you have to do this for yourself and for your brother, not for your father. So, if you do decide to "step up" as you put it, keep telling yourself that.

Once you get in to a pattern, I expect one of two things will happen. Either your dad will continue to be unpleasant and you'll walk away knowing you tried and that your brother is "free" or you will make some sort of peace, either with him or just within yourself.

Good luck OP

You must feel terrible but your loyalty is to the man who has stuck with you and cared for you all your life.

Tell him he must live his life with no regrets and you will support him in which ever way he chooses to go.

Having gone NC with a parent and having been confronted with the question of, "what would I do if I received a call asking for my support in her old age...?" I would suggest that you and your brother get together for a serious and frank talk about this.

You need to make him realise that there is no expectation on him to devote his life to this man.

If he chooses to continue to support his dad, then that it is his choice and you can't change your life to save him from himself. Your brother needs to live his life.

As monkey said, he has had his life. He lived it how he chose to live it and now you and your brother need to do the same.

Dreadful situation for you, Medusa. I hope your DP and DCs are supportive to you; whatever course of action you take you don't want to create problems at home.

Talk to your brother face to face and ask him how you can best support him (because that's the crux of this, isn't it?). It may be that your moral support for him will be enough, or he might feel that you taking on some of his visits to your father is what's needed.

Sorry to be indelicate, but has there been any "official" prognosis for your father's condition? I'm just thinking that if you knew there was only a matter of months to contend with you might be able to put up with more than if he had years more ahead of him.

You don't HAVE to do anything. He has a housekeeper, so I'm assuming he's not short of money. Don't let him manipulate you. He made his choices and you shouldn't be made to suffer because of them.

Your brother has to make his own choices. He sounds as if he didn't have the same relationship with your father as you, so you can't really compare.

I understand that emotionally it isn't easy. Practically, is he entitled to any support from the council? I know there are charities that will check on people who are on their own.

I would also question the seriousness of his diagnosis, given his past behaviour. Could he be exaggerating to get you to dance to his tune?

Take care of yourself, OP.

I would also feel an obligation, if only a selfish one to myself, I would not want to feel guilt or regret once he is gone. Harsh and selfish but true. And there is the small chance of a new relationship with him. I agree your bro need a break, and if you can, go on a Saturday and do 'your duty' and see how it goes? Up to you. Best wishes.

He hasn't changed. He is vile holding your brother to emotional guilt that he will die if your brother doesn't go in.

You are not a bad daughter. This man is an abusive lying cheat.

You will get nothing but a guilt trip.

Help your brother get away and leave this man to his just desserts of a lonely old age.

The only thing you "need" to do is facilitate your brother being able to make choices for himself, not to step into the breach and care for a selfish and horrible old man 120 miles away. Attempt to help your father make his own arrangements for care if you wish but don't do the travelling and visiting if that's not what you want to do. Doing it will have no time-limit and you are unlikely to be thanked for it either: you could be shouldering this unwanted and undeserving blackmailing burden for years. He's made his bed and he should be left to lie in it in my opinion.

Another vote here to not get sucked in - I suggest if you feel guilt over not doing anything that you and your brother club together to get him some paid help. That's more than he deserves.

My aunt looked after my abusive grandmother for years - all she got was her own health ruined and no thanks - and Granny made sure she spent all her money so she left nothing to any of her children - she gloated over the fact. How my aunt nursed her for 10 years baffles me. As it was, my aunt had no life and no thanks.

I've been NC with my mother for about ten years. If I got a cry for help from her, I'd tell the poisonous aul' witch to fuck off.

I totally get where you are coming from. You would not be doing this for him but for your brother. Support him. Help him have a life. Personally I would do that by helping him break the FOG.